


A Bride for Orochimaru?!

by WhiteLadyDragon



Category: Naruto, ロック・リーの青春フルパワー忍伝 | Rock Lee's Springtime of Youth | Rock Lee & His Ninja Pals
Genre: Ableism, Abuse, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst and Humor, Autistic Character, Betrayal, Bonding, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Dating, Deconstruction, Disabled Character, Drama, Dramedy, Dubious Morality, Emotional Manipulation, Existential Crisis, Explicit Language, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Foe Yay, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Het and Slash, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Inappropriate Humor, Interracial Relationship, Jealousy, LGBTQ Female Character of Color, Loneliness, Mental Health Issues, Mind Games, Minor Violence, Multi, Reconciliation, Relationship of Convenience, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Satire, Self-Discovery, Sexual Tension, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Tsunderes, Uneasy Allies, Unhealthy Relationships, Unintentional Redemption, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 23:45:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 71,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6214951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiteLadyDragon/pseuds/WhiteLadyDragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when the speed dating party turns out to be an unprecedented success for everyone's favorite Snake Sannin instead of a failure? If something sounds too good to be true, usually it is. Alternate take on Episode 36 of RLAHNP, "Orochimaru's Search for Love!"</p><p>DISCLAIMER! With the exception of original character Aina, all featured or mentioned fictional entities are from Kenji Taira's spin-off manga series, Rock Lee and His Ninja Pals (Rock Lee's Springtime of Youth), which in turn is based on Masashi Kishimoto's manga series Naruto. This fan fiction is written purely for entertainment and generates no profit whatsoever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Total Fluke!

Loneliness is no fun no matter the day of the year. But something about the holidays drives it in like a final nail in the coffin bearing all your hopes and dreams.

But then, what is loneliness?

It depends on who you ask.

…

Aina ambles up to the barrel and calls for order with a slow and steady ring of her cowbell at arm's length. "Gooooood mornin', everybody! The first official meeting of the Reptile and Amphibian Appreciation Club has officially begun. How are y'all? Did y'all find my house well enough?"

I…I may have had a teeny bit of trouble.

Aina sets down the bell. "Oh no, I'm so sorry, Minori! What part of the directions did you have trouble with?"

Oh, it wasn't the directions. I was just having such a lovely time at the pond that I would have forgotten about the meeting, had I not seen you coming and calling for me.

Ah, that's what you meant? You had me worried there. We do spend a considerable amount of time here.

Of course, Masa. I may be slow, but I'm not stupid.

"Now-now, my friends. What matters is that we're all here together. But I'll be mindful of this in the future. Let's start with introductions." She clears her throat and her round, brown face breaks into the broadest smile. "My name's Aina, but you can also call me Kame. Everybody does! I'm a farmer an' handywoman by day, intrepid nature-lover also by day. And I love reptiles an' amphibians most of all!"

It's a lovely day for December, a tad on the cool side but still warm enough to set up chairs, stools, mats and logs in the backyard in a circle beyond the porch. Between the seats and the barrel that serves as a makeshift podium, a round wooden table sits bearing snacks and punch. Dry leaves of brown and gold snap off the trees overhead now and then, with a lone leaf drifting aimlessly on the breeze before landing in the punch bowl.

There's just one thing wrong.

She claps her hands in encouragement. "Who'd like to go next? Anyone? C'mon, don't be shy. We're all friends."

Ah, I'm Minori. I love going for a swim in the pond and sunbathing with other turtles.

Masa, and I love rats. Fat delectable morsels, they are. Once you get past the fur and tail and smell. But their smell makes them easy to find, so there's that.

Save for a rat snake coiled on a mat and a pond turtle on a stump up front, all the other seats are empty.

Aina stands there with her large calloused hands clasped to her chest for some minutes more, but eventually her smile shrinks a millimeter for every second that ticks by. Thirty-five minutes have now passed since the time she'd printed on the flyers. The first thirty had been out of courtesy to allow any late members to drop in so they could all start together, and normally she's very lenient about time. But…

She slumps over the barrel with her jaw cupped in her hands and peers down at the ground, unsure what to do next. Like a tree, she's rooted in place that way for an hour more, until Masa grows bored and slithers off the pillow to retreat to the shade. Minori asks for help off the stump, feeling rather hungry herself.

The woman cradles her loyal turtle in her palms, her eyes stinging a little but not quite at that threshold where tears fall out.

"Oh Minori, where could they all be? I'm sure I gave the right time and address…"

Had everyone gotten lost? Had she put the flyers in the right places? Had she made enough flyers? Perhaps she hadn't picked the best date for this meeting? After all, it is the first of December. The time where people go out and start looking for Christmas presents.

Whatever the reason, all Minori can think to say is: I'm sorry, Aina. I…don't think anyone's coming.

…

This same day on the other side of the village, Lord Orochimaru stealthily cuts his way through a bustling line of shoppers trying to get into a department store boasting their annual Leaf winter bargains. He hides his pale angular face in the labels of a trench coat, his blazing yellow reptilian eyes behind a pair of sunglasses, and wicked designs in his heart.

"Just wait, little Leaf brats," he hisses under his hoarse breath with a toothy smirk. "I'll lie in wait until you're lured in by the incredible deals…then catch you in my trap!"

Before he gets the chance to monologue the specifics of said trap, however, a sales associate stops him before he can sneak through the pooling crowds into the front entrance. "Uh, pardon me, sir, are you here alone?"

Orochimaru pauses in mild surprise at this man's straightforwardness. And why not? He can't recall a time when anyone, man or woman, tried to flirt with him in earnest. Mostly because he's too intimidating for most people to handle, or so he thinks. Not that he's totally wrong. "Are you coming on to me? I'm flattered. I'll think about it, but let me carry out my plan first."

The employee, well-meaning but uneasy at how his question has been interpreted, smiles nervously and clarifies. "Uh, no, no. I'm sorry, that's not what I—we're having a family sale, sir. Only families and couples are allowed in today. But perhaps you can come back for our next sale?"

He blinks, taken aback by indignant surprise. That has to be one of the stupidest things he's ever heard. After all, money is money no matter who it's from, right?

The line speeds up and forces him out of the way, and before long he can feel multitudes of eyes on him like rubbernecks slowing down to gawk at an accident on the side of the road. They make very little attempt to hide their muttered comments to one another from his earshot. Then again, Orochimaru always had excellent ears.

"Who's that guy?"

"Looks like he came alone."

"Who's he, Mommy?"

"Now don't stare, honey."

"Must be all alone, poor thing…"

Poor thing…poor thing…poor thing…

Something about this whispering gets under his skin and latches his fingers into his scalp. Maybe it's the patronizing? Maybe it's rage from the lack of fear in their eyes (even if he is supposed to be in disguise)?

Or is it something else?

Whatever it is, he makes his escape with what dignity he still has: "Hmph! Fine, then. If that's how it is, I'll just take my business elsewhere."

But inside he's screaming into a dark swirling abyss.

What's wrong with him today?

…

That evening after putting the chairs away and making Masa and Minori their supper, Aina sits on the porch to watch the sun sink below the tree-line. She eats another one of the carrot cupcakes she'd baked for the meeting, licking the thin coat of frosting off the top before biting into the moist, earthy goodness.

She licks the crumbs clinging to her lips. "Ah, well. I can always try again next month," she says to herself. "Of course everybody would be busy gettin' ready for the holidays. Come January, the hustle-n-bustle is bound to calm down by then. Oops, I plum forgot about that. Ahaha! I'm so silly."

But the more she dwells on it, the more the thought becomes saddening than comforting. How many years has it been since she started living on her own? How many Christmases had she spent without Mama and Papa? Too many, frankly. Minori and Masa are wonderful companions, make no mistake. They are quiet, independent, and generally clean.

But there are some needs even turtles and snakes cannot fulfill. After all, humans are social animals at heart. Reptiles are solitary ones.

"It'd sure be nice to have somebody to watch this sunset with me again. Somebody to spend Christmas with. And all of winter, for that matter. And spring, and summer, and fall, and winter all over again…

"Hm. I wonder…maybe it's finally time for me to find a mate? 32's plenty old enough for marriage, and I can't say I dislike the idea of sharin' my life with somebody nice," she murmurs with a blush.

She scratches her head as she cleans up the remnants of the cupcake and sucks on her fingers. "But…where do I start looking?"

…

"You? A normal ninja again?" scoffs Kabuto in disbelief that same evening. "I can't believe there was ever a time when you were 'normal' to begin with. Besides, I thought you hated the Leaf and their normalcy?" What spore of madness has infected his master's head this time?

Orochimaru stops stuffing his satchel to turn up his nose, his eyes narrowed into slits. "Of course I hate them. That hasn't changed a bit. The nerve of some of them; would you believe they wouldn't let me shop in their store just because I'm single?"

Kabuto folds his arms. "Then why, pray tell, are you going back there?"

"Simple. I'm going to reintegrate into their society and earn their trust, and then…"

He clenches his white, bony fist in front of his smirk. "I'll destroy the Leaf from the inside."

Kabuto droops in exasperation. "My lord, you never thought to try that before? Oh, never mind that." He shakes his head. "It'll never work. After everything you've done? There's no way they'd take you back. You're an S-rank missing-nin. They're more likely to execute you than give you another chance."

"But they haven't yet, have they?" Orochimaru asks his right-hand man, smugness flashing in his unnatural eyes. "I understand your skepticism but remember the Will of Fire. They'll forgive me if I put on the right show. Especially if I approach that thorn in my side Rock Lee and his sensei first. They're so nauseatingly optimistic, it'll be no trouble tricking them into believing I seek 'redemption.' Why, not only will I destroy the Leaf, I could even have them turn on Lee for instigating their doom to begin with," he adds with a devious chuckle.

Kabuto groans and pushes his glasses back up on his face. "Ugh, I don't suppose I can stop you. Once you set your mind to something, no one can tell you differently." It's one of many traits about his master that the fellow outlaw has always found profoundly admirable and yet equally frustrating.

"When this inevitably backfires and you need us to bail you out, we'll be holding the fort here."

Orochimaru scrunches up his angular face and sways his long dark tongue back and forth. "This won't backfire. But thanks for the assurance."

He resumes packing, setting his sights on the village for tomorrow morning. Even if it's only for a while, neither can say they won't at least miss their banter.

…

"Thank you, have a nice day."

"Yep-yep-yep! Y'all have a nice day, too."

Aina reaches up to ring the bell a few more times before letting the door swing shut behind her. She has always loved bells, can't get enough of them. High above the buildings the crows flutter by, calling, "Ba-kaaaa! Ba-kaaaa!"

She trots down the street, her right hand full of crafting supplies and her left clutching her notebook. This Christmas she's going to make a new nest for Masa and a raft for Minori (or perhaps a little sailboat? Aina isn't sure yet). She makes a stop at the Yamanaka flower shop, only to frown at the CLOSED sign dangling from the window. Ah yes, of course. Winter is coming. Not the best time of year for flowers.

She's going to miss smelling them, even if it's only for a while.

So instead she takes a seat on the sidewalk and opens her notebook to a sketch in progress of her prospective mate. They have no distinguishing features except for a giant smile and two dots for eyes. Unfinished doodles of small animals, children and flowers surround the figure.

Aina cocks her head, recalling what Mama and Papa had told her about finding the right mate long ago. Man or woman, it mattered not. What did were three very important qualities:

1\. They must be stable, financially and emotionally;

2\. They must love animals and children; and

3\. They must have a steadfast sense of humor.

Everything else was negotiable.

She fishes out her pencil and sketches in more details, sighing deeply as her mind tries to conjure up what this perfect spouse could possibly look like. How she'd love to have the kind of marriage Mama and Papa had!

"Aha. Tsunade is all those things," she thinks out loud, clutching the notebook to her chest with an infatuated smile. "She'd make a good wife. But Shizune said she only likes men, so unless she changes her mind one day, or one day I wake up as a man…I'm afraid we won't be watchin' no sunsets together."

(As with many things in life, Aina's view of Lady Tsunade is rather rosy.)

Speaking of Shizune, she sees those familiar feet and high heels ambling her way from out of the corner of her eye. They are accompanied by the pitter-pattering little hooves of Tonton.

"Aha! Good-mornin', Shizune! Good-mornin', Tonton," she bellows, putting down her notebook to fish a radish out of her pocket for the pig. "You both look nice today."

Shizune jumps slightly at the booming voice but smiles back at the vegetable woman once she collects herself and recognizes her neighbor. "Ah, good-morning, Kame. How are you?" Tonton wastes no time scurrying up to Aina to snatch the white radish out of her hand, having learned to expect handouts from this woman every time they encounter each other.

"I'm wonderful! Everything the same."

Tonton "oinks" in delight and gratitude after she gobbles up the offering, lifting her head to let Aina scratch her chin. There's always something magical about winning the favor of an animal.

Aina puckers her lips and smacks them affectionately as she slowly moves her hand to rub behind Tonton's flappy ears. "Little Tonton loves my radishes, don't you, dear? Yep-yep! Say, Shizune, what's that you got there?"

"What, this? Oh, just a flyer about this speed dating party happening tonight. Here, you can have it, if you're interested."

Aina blinks and makes an O-shape with her mouth. "Speed…dating? What's that?"

Shizune clears her throat. Every time they meet, she takes special care not to sound like she's talking down to Ms. Kichida. Goodness knows the temptation is strong. Sometimes it's easy to forget she's speaking to a woman her own age and not a child.

(On the other hand, sometimes she wonders if Aina would notice either way. Goodness also knows some villagers aren't so tact, and yet she remains indiscriminately cheerful all the same.)

"Er, well, it's a social gathering where people who are interested in finding a romantic partner sit and talk to each other for a few minutes at a time. To see if there's any potential for future dates," Shizune explains, steepling her fingers.

"Oh. Does that actually work? A few minutes don't sound like enough time to get to know a body, never mind somebody I wanna marry."

"Is that right? You're looking for a husband, Kame?"

"Yep-yep-yep! A husband, or wife. Ooh! Will Tsunade be there?"

Shizune ignores that last part for the sake of propriety. The vegetable woman has always been a bit off-kilter. But she's always been good to her and Lady Tsunade. If at any time they have an odd job to do—whether it's cleaning the gutters or unclogging the toilets—she's the first to volunteer. Tsunade likes her because she works for free. "Maybe not. But if you find someone you click with, that you see potential in, you exchange contact information with each other afterwards. Then you can take all the time you need to make acquaintance."

Aina nods in understanding at last, folding up the flyer to slip it into her pocket. "Mm-hm, okay. I'll have to think about it, but if it'll help me find somebody…"

Shizune chuckles affably. "Well, be careful not to think for too long. The party is tonight, and I'm not sure when the next one will be."

Thank you for the radish!

"Aww, you're welcome, little Tonton! It's no trouble a'tall."

Shizune glances at Aina, perturbed. It's not uncommon to see the woman conversing with random animals, though one cannot deny how troubling it is to hear anyone mimic the sounds said animals make. Indeed, in her ears, Aina's response comes out as a string of overenthusiastic piggish grunts, snorts and squeals. Tonton, she can understand. Aina, not so much.

Aina switches back to their common tongue like nothing has happened. "Thank you for your kindness, Shizune! Will I be seeing you and Tsunade there?" Aina has a dreadful habit of forgetting titles.

"Um, I may go but I'm not so sure about Lady Tsunade. She's a…a busy woman, after all."

"Oh yes, I understand completely. If she has any jobs she wants me to do, please don' hesitate to send for me. Otherwise, give her and Katsuyu my regards!"

There's a bounce in her step as she continues on her way home. Hopefully the party will be over in time for the sunset. Even better, hopefully she'll be watching it with someone nice by the end of the day.

Ooh! She could even bring some of the snacks she'd made earlier. They do have to get eaten.

…

"Gaaah, enough already! We all know this is bound to fail miserably, so let's just get this over with!" Is it just him or does Tenten get louder and screechier with every line she utters? It takes more than just agitated yelling and screaming to be a good straight man.

Orochimaru hides his contempt behind a blank innocent façade (well, as innocent as someone who looks like him can be, at least), and Rock Lee shows him the way to "the battlefield of romance."

Said battlefield is tonight's Leaf Speed Dating Party at a local upscale restaurant. Between the enormous shoes and the dozen tacky ewers Lee has made him wear, and the pink bow tying Manda to his back like an infant whose parent had to take him along because they couldn't find a babysitter, it's a miracle he can move a millimeter. Never mind get through the door.

"Now remember: always smile, and be polite," rambles Lee without pausing once to take a breath. "When asking questions, be assertive but positive. Ask three for every one she asks you."

"Wow, you sound pretty convincing," remarks Tenten, impressed by the surface quality of Lee's dating wisdom. "I'm surprised you credible you sound."

"But of course! Guy-sensei taught me everything I know!"

"Aaaaand just like that, your credibility is gone," she laments. It may be the only sentiment they can agree on. After all, if he were the love guru he's currently toting himself as, he surely would have caught that Sakura girl's interest by now.

Inside, the place is abuzz with nervous single men and women dressed in their finest, interspersed between round tables adorned with expensive finger foods and finery. He stays along the wall, his load too large for him to comfortably stand in the center of the room.

He wipes the thin film of sweat coating his forehead—surely they can stand to turn down the thermostat two degrees—only to stop himself when he spots Tsunade's assistant and two of her friends staring anxiously at him. He doesn't see Tsunade, though. Not that he'd expected to. The Slug Princess currently has two great loves in her life since dear Dan passed on: drinking and gambling. He reckons she only took on the title of Hokage to gain access to a steady income to feed both habits.

But that's neither here nor there.

Orochimaru settles himself down, cracks his most winsome smile and turns on the charm. "Good evening, ladies. You all look lovely tonight."

Shizune is wearing bright red lipstick and a pink silk dress for the occasion. "Oh, um, fancy seeing you here, Orochimaru."

He laughs. "Please, call me Orochi. Everyone does."

Shizune's even worse at faking a smile than he. "S-so…what's with the shoes?"

First thing a woman wants in a husband: stability. "I'm very stable. Isn't it great? Bad economy, downsizing, consumption taxes, I say bring it on!"

Her first friend with the perm and glasses pops the next question. Women rarely travel alone when it comes to social outings. "Ah, Orochi, what's that on your back?"

Second thing: fatherliness. "Oh, this is Manda. I raised him myself!" Manda, always a good snake summon, raises his head and beams at them, his horns scraping lightly across the ceiling.

Her second friend in the white dress and bandana moves in with the third. The questions keep coming like sticks from school-age children poking at a dead thing. "And…the jars?"

Third thing: a similar sense of humor. "Oh come now, they're my sense of humor ewers!" He takes the olive-colored jar bouncing off his hip and holds it out in offering. "Which one do you ladies like?" He laughs a bit louder than he should, a fact that he realizes too late, but it doesn't escape his notice that Shizune and her friends have begun backing away from him. Like he's gearing up to attack them.

All eyes are upon him, just like at the department store. His ears ring with that wretched child's words: Poor thing. Poor thing. Poor thing.

Team Guy stays back behind a snack table whispering among themselves, dressed as servers. "He's crashing and burning," mutters Tenten, wide-eyed with pity.

"I do not understand," says Lee. "The plan was supposed to be perfect. How strange."

Neji shoots his teammate a look. "You're strange," he grumbles. For someone who presumably hates wearing dresses and lace, he sure is quick to get into those when the plot demands it. (Not that he doesn't wear them well. He could almost rival Kabuto and even Orochimaru himself in that respect. Almost.)

Could this be the end for Orochimaru? Had Kabuto and Tenten been right all along? Is he wasting his time? Should he just go ahead and sic Manda on everyone while their guards are down?

Before he can decide, and before any of the ladies can ask any more questions, a booming voice cuts in on the conversation: "Oi! Would you look at that marvelous specimen!"

Startled, he turns his head to the source of the voice and sees a large brown-skinned woman bounding up to him. Her black, curly, wiry hair puffs out around her round head like dandelion seeds. Her droopy eyes, bright and brown as honey, lacks any trace of shyness but rather seem to be shimmering with awe. In her hands jostles a plate of what looks like cupcakes. She's garbed in a worn blue striped yukata that looks more appropriate for a man than a woman.

The stranger seems completely oblivious to the other guests staring at her as she comes to a stop in front of him. "My goodness, what a big beautiful snake," she gushes, placing the cupcakes on a table to pull out a magnifying glass from her pocket. "I ain't never ever seen anything like it before." She circles around Manda with the glass over his coiled scales. "Such vibrant coloration, such impressive musculature…and what brilliant eyes! Hello there, ya handsome fellow. What brings you here?"

Manda, always open to compliments, flickers his blue forked tongue and puffs himself up with pride.

Orochimaru isn't sure whether to be irritated at this abrupt interruption or relieved that now all eyes have moved from him to this woman. Whatever he's supposed to feel, he speaks up: "Eh, can I help you?"

The woman stops her oohing and ahhing and looks up at him. "Oh, howdy! I didn' see you there, friend." She leans to the side and notes the bow binding the giant snake to his master. "Say, is this here snake yours?"

"Y-yes, that's Manda you're ogling. He is in fact mine." He must admit it's been a long time since he encountered someone who also loved snakes.

"He's gorgeous! You musta taken perfect care of him," she marvels. "And he's so big! I didn't think there were any ecosystems that could support a snake of his dimensions. He must be super-duper rare. What species is he? His horns make me think of a viper—a very large viper, my goodness—but the shape of his head and musculature make me think of a constrictor…"

"Species?" He hooks a lock of his hair around his fingers. He enjoys talking about snakes but he can't say he isn't a bit put off that she doesn't seem to recognize him or Manda. Aren't they still notorious anymore? "Ah, well…Manda is a species all unto himself. You could say he's a python but he does carry a little bit of venom in those fangs. As for his origins, he's from Ryūchi Cave."

For some reason he vaguely finds his mind slowing down a notch.

Come to think of it, now that they're standing face to face, she does rather smell. Does she not shower regularly?

"You don't say! I don' recall ever hearing of a place like that before. Boy oh boy, I should go up there sometime! Ooh-ooh, we should go up together! Any friend of snakes an' such is a friend of mine, too."

In spite of himself, he flashes another smile that somehow feels slightly less fake than the other ones. Not that that's saying much. "Uh, hold on, I like your enthusiasm but we've just met. I don't even know your name."

Around this time, Shizune and company find a way to escape the increasingly awkward situation and politely see themselves out to search the room for more appealing dates.

"Oops! I plum forgot. I'm Aina, Aina Kichida. But everybody calls me Kame, yep-yep. Call me Kame."

Kame. "Turtle," huh?

"I'm Orochimaru. But…you can call me Orochi." He accepts her hand to shake it. Her grip is too tight, her shake too hearty. It takes her longer than it should to let go of him. She's got an odor to her, strong and musky. Loud, overbearing, and stinky. Not to be shallow but even if he's going into a sham marriage for the sake of destroying Konoha, can't it at least be with someone just a little more…tolerable?

Unfortunately, no one else approaches him thereafter. She's the only fish nibbling on his line in the proverbial sea of love. Nibbling quite eagerly, at that. He'd look like a complete idiot to turn her down, especially in front of Lee and his friends.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait. Maybe he can make this work for him? If he takes up dating this pathetic fool, perhaps it'll make him seem that much more trustworthy? At least they couldn't accuse him of being a gold digger.

But what if they get suspicious of him because he'd be dating under his league? Would it make him look desperate?

"Oi, what massive feet you have!" Aina gasps in the meantime, peering down at his canoe-sized shoes.

"Why, that's because I'm very stable. Er, would you care for a humor ewer?"

Aina claps her hands like she's just found everything she's ever dreamed of. "Oh, how'd you know? I love pottery! If you don' mind, I'll take 'em all! Ahahaha, oh Orochi, I've only just met you and you already seem like such a funny and nice lady."

Orochimaru bites back a sneer. This always happens to him, and it never gets any less annoying. "I'm a man," he corrects her.

"Oops! Are you? I'm sorry. Your pretty hair and eyes musta thrown me off, ahaha. Not that men can't be pretty too, 'cause they can. It's just that's usually the first thing most folks think when they see pretty faces. Aha, that's okay. Man, woman, somewhere in between…it's no matter to me. Say, what say you and I go outside and watch the sunset? I wanna get to know you better, and I don' reckon there're many better places to do that than in front of a sunset."

He's not exactly the type to sit around and watch sunsets—he has no reason to think she's alluding to anything else, since she's demonstrated zero subtlety throughout this conversation—but how can he say no? He's a patient man. All contracts have to start somewhere. Putting all her other glaring faults aside, she seems friendly. And, more importantly, gullible.

Besides, he can't recall hearing anyone call him pretty before, never mind say it and mean it.

A part of him can't wait to go home and rub it in naysayer Kabuto's face. See? I told you I still got it. Take that, Kabuto.

"Ah…sure. Let's." His eyes roving back and forth one more time to check for any other takers—of which he finds none—he gestures to the exit. "After you."

Stars shimmer in her eyes, her faintly scarred face breaking into a broad foolish smile. His knuckles practically snap and fuse back together into odd uncomfortable shapes in her grip as she takes his hand again.

"Yippee!"

...

"Oops. I plum forgot." She stops to take two cupcakes off the plate, dragging Orochimaru and Manda behind her all the while with little apparent effort. "Anyone who wants a carrot cupcake is welcome to what's left," she announces. "Made them m'self, and they gotta get eaten."

Lee grins at this unexpected twist. "Ha, I knew it! The battle looked hairy at first, but in the end our teammate managed to turn it around and secure victory! I knew he could do it. Looks like you were wrong, Tenten."

Tenten shivers, either out of shock, disgust, anger or a combination of the three. "I—I was wrong? But I'm never wrong about anything…this was supposed to fail. This is a total fluke, it's got to be! Just watch! Something's going to go wrong any second now!"

Neji cups his chin in his hand in thought. "Hold on. Isn't that Ms. Kichida, the local vegetable woman? Kiba sees her now and then when Akamaru needs a check-up. She's a bit touched in the head…"

"I'm not sure I like this," mumbles Tenten. "I know they say love is blind, but this is kind of extreme. Is it really okay to let these two go out? This is Orochimaru we're talking about, after all."

Lee wags a finger at her. "It is not our place to dictate who our new comrade finds happiness and redemption with, Tenten. But if it worries you that much, we will keep an eye on him. Look! The advice I have given him is clearly working. Guy-sensei will be so pleased at his progress. I know I am."


	2. It's a Date!

The clouds drift across the tender orange sky as smudges of light purple with gold halos. Behind them the solemn faces of Tsunade and Hokages past on the mountain squint at the dull red sun setting in the west. Orochimaru likes to think it's because the stone-carved faces can feel the end of their beloved village creeping over the horizon, dragging the sunshine out of their sight one last time.

But first he must endure this minor bump in the road: standing at the railing with a cupcake stuffed with shredded carrots growing stale in his palm—yuck—and engaging in idle chit-chat with…Ms. Kichida.

Aina finishes her pastry with a satisfied smack of her lips. "Y'know, I got a snake friend, too. Her name is Masa. She's a rat snake. I'd love you to meet her. She'd adore you, I just know it."

A colubrid. Not surprising at all. Orochimaru for reasons that need no elaboration has always found the venomous snakes and constrictors more interesting. Otherwise, Aina is right about his affinity for serpents, and their affinity for him. "Do you, now? Masa is a good name."

"Hee-hee. I've got another friend named Minori. She's a pond turtle. Something tells me she'd like you, too."

Turtles? Eh…

It has not escaped his notice how much calmer she's gotten since they moved outside. Her voice drops a few decibels. It's like watching a sort of metamorphosis, in a way.

But calm does not always mean quiet. She's just as chatty as she'd been inside.

"Can I pet him? Manda, I mean?"

"I suppose you could. He's tame." For now.

She's surprisingly gentle going about touching his summon, and takes care not to do so with the hand she'd just licked clean. When Manda lowers his head, she tucks her right arm behind her back and rubs him under the jaw with her left pointer finger. Manda closes his eyes and leans into her, flickering his tongue in contentment. It's a gesture he typically does himself, in fact.

"Incredible. You mus' be some kind of master to befriend a snake of such size and capabilities."

His ego swells a little at the word "master," and he tilts up his chin accordingly. "I like to think so. I am the Snake Sannin, after all."

Aina stops scratching Manda and blinks. "What's a Sannin?"

If Manda weren't still tied to him, he might have fallen over in shock at the sheer idiocy of this question. "What's a Sannin?! You're joking, right? Have you been living under a rock?" he demands, breaking Lee's rules about being polite and positive. Somehow the cupcake manages to hover in the air when he throws up his hand, only to land back into his palm when his outburst ends.

He realizes his mistake when he sees Aina lurching over, covering her ears. "Wh-why're you shouting? Sssssh. Please don't shout," she pleads, for the first time in this encounter appearing quite meek. "I don' like it when people shout."

Crap. He can feel Team Lee's accusatory eyes on his back, their judgment sharp enough to cut through the window. "W-wait, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I was just, er, caught off-guard by your question. Do they say nothing about me in school anymore?"

If such is the case, then he truly has sunk to the level of a washed-up has-been. He musters the willpower to force the thought from his mind. It's too depressing to dwell on it. He's on a date, after all.

Aina returns to her default upright but open-armed posture. Fortunately for Orochimaru, she seems to be the forgiving type, for once she takes her hands off her ears, she sighs. "Phew. No, I don' live under a rock. Though I do live in a house out on the edge of town. It's made of rocks, if that counts. It's also my shop. And I'm afraid I don' know what they talk about in school. I didn' go to school. Mama-n-Papa taught me everything I know. But they never said a word about Sannin."

Ah. There's his answer. It's not great, but it's much better than the first scenario.

"Why, are you famous? Are you like, a member of a travelin' musical group?"

He inhales deeply. He cannot afford another faux pas. He must maintain an iron grip on his temper. "Not exactly. I'm one of the Legendary Sannin, the greatest shinobi to have ever lived. I happen to specialize in snakes."

Naturally he omits the less savory parts of his résumé, or rather those parts considered less savory to most small-minded "normal" people. On second thought, perhaps it's more favorable that she doesn't know who he is? This way he can spin any story he wants about himself. Who would stop him? Neji or Tenten? Lee and Might Guy would never allow it. Not if it means hindering his "quest for redemption."

"Oooohhhh, a shinobi. I'm not sure what those folks do exactly—except that it sounds noisy—but from what I understand, they are very important."

This woman cannot be for real…he bites his tongue.

"Which means you must be super-duper important as the creamiest part of the crop. Ahaha, that's neat! I think I'd like to have you come visit us as a guest speaker."

He arches an eyebrow. "Us?"

"Yep! I'm the president of the Reptile and Amphibian Appreciation Club," she declares, jabbing a thumb at herself. "And also the only official member. For right now! It's a new club, don't you know. We were s'posed to have our first meeting the other day, but…"

She taps her thick, round pointer fingers together. "Nobody showed up. But that's because my silly head forgot it's Christmas shopping season again. So I rescheduled it for next month. Say, you should come an' speak! A fellow of your abilities is bound to draw in kindred spirits from all over the place."

Not an unreasonable assumption (unlike some of her other ones), but Orochimaru, with his infinite understanding of cruelty, can think of a more plausible explanation. No one here in Konoha—or abroad, for that matter—cares about the underrated science of herpetology. He figures he ruined reptiles for everyone else (and then Jiraiya went on to ruin amphibians, if in a different way. Not that he ever found frogs and toads that special, to begin with).

"Hn. You flatter me," he says, smug once more. "I'll consider it."

"Sure thing. No hurry."

Suddenly he feels a twinge of strange pity coming on for Ms. Kichida. The kind one may feel upon witnessing a dazed animal staggering about with a carelessly discarded can lodged over its head or plastic rings choking it by the throat. But it's not necessarily of a benevolent sort nor is it strong enough to compel one to try and help.

(Not unless the reward is worth the effort.)

"But enough about me for now. I've had my turn to speak. I want to know more about you. For instance, what's your blood type and star sign?"

"Aww, little ol' me? I'm a Type A Taurus," she says with a blush, the broad smile back on her face like nothing's happened.

Type A Taurus. He hasn't observed her long, granted, but she doesn't act much like a Taurus. More like a Gemini. Ah, well. Astrology is more complicated than people care to take into account. Ignoring that, that's practically his total opposite. Fine by him. This way he won't have to worry about getting attached. There's little, if not no probability of this working out.

If you believe in these things, that is.

"Type B Scorpio," he responds in kind, one eye roving on the ground far below. Maybe he can find a way to get rid of this abomination yet? There's nobody here in Konoha he doesn't dislike. He could drop it on any one of their heads and no one would be any wiser.

The cupcake, of course. He's referring to the cupcake.

Aina slaps her thigh. "Type B Scorpio, huh? Well! That explains a lot."

"What do you mean?" Maybe she's found something unattractive about this fact? Good. It wouldn't look quite as bad if she dumped him compared to the other way around. It'd also help to gain more of Team Lee's sympathy. One can't help the blood type or sign they were born under.

"It'd explain why you're so proud of your reputation. Scorpios are very passionate about many things. And I think it's why I feel attracted to you. You an' me are opposites! You an' me are complementary. We'd go together like rice-n-beans, like peas-n-carrots, like waffles-n-maple syrup."

Never mind. After throwing up all these food analogies, she's a Taurus, all right.

"Ah, I see. Like yin and yang." He rolls his eyes. "I…can't say I'm not vaguely feeling the same," he lies.

She giggles, not catching on. Even her giggle is loud and hearty.

"What do you do for a living?"

"Me, I'm a farmer an' landscaper, mostly, but I also like to bake an' take care of animals an' I'm pretty handy with a hammer and rake. Got a broke toilet or a dirty roof or just some hedges that need a trim? I'm your lady. Yep-yep. That's how I earn my bread-n-butter. 'Cept I don't eat much actual bread-n-butter. I'm talking about money you use to buy bread and butter, ahaha."

Oh, great. He's stuck with a hick. A hick who has likely never been within 50 meters of a deodorant stick.

"What about you, Orochi? How do you buy your bread-n-butter?"

"Well, until recently I was the leader of a certain organization…"

"Is that right? You're a white-collared fellow. You wear white collars to work."

"Now don't be mistaken. That doesn't mean of course I don't still know my way around the outdoors. I spend my fair share of time outside."

"Ahaha, that's all right. No matter what you do, you can never ever escape the call of nature. It's where we all came from, don't you know. What did your company do?"

"We…it'd be more apt to call us a school. A school, and a research facility." That's not technically a lie.

"Ooh, a doctor an' a teacher! I'm a bit of a scientist myself. I wanna breed a new type of radish that tastes sweet, but still has all the goodness of a regular radish. If we had vegetables that naturally appealed to the palates of kids, then maybe they'd wanna eat them more."

How positively banal. Orochimaru can think of many more interesting applications of genetic modification, and he must quell his excitement lest he start blurting these ideas out loud.

(Although, considering how welcoming she's been around him, he begins to wonder if telling her them would make any difference…)

"So it sounds like you quit. How come?"

"Feh, I was getting bored and the paperwork prison we call bureaucracy was wearing on me. I felt I needed a change of scenery. For right now, I'm going back to being a normal ninja." Again, not technically a lie.

Aina shrugs, cushioning her jaw on top of her hands which she lies flat on the railing. "I understand. I don' know a nit about politics, but I do know sometimes you gotta slow down and smell the flowers. Whatever you get up to, I hope it makes you happy. A job ain't worth doin' if you ain't happy doin' the job."

Well, at least he can be sure she's not drawn to him for his money or status. Maybe it's because of his shady occupations but there's something a teeny-tiny bit disarming about the fond way she regards him. The simplicity of her manners is almost juvenile, like they are two children and one is asking the other to come play in the sandbox with her for no apparent reason apart from she is lonely and she sees a companion who seems equally lonely.

It makes him think of how Kabuto used to look at him when they first started out. And Karin, and Jirōbō, Tayuya, Sakon and Ukon, Kidōmaru and Kimimaro. Even Anko, a long time ago. At some point or another, they all used to look at him like a sort of…hero? Master? God? Someone taller and stronger than all the rest.

Whatever the word is, he misses it. He misses being admired. Admired, feared, respected, needed. Back when he wasn't a joke villain.

It's this moment of silence when Orochimaru, not wholly on accident, relaxes his hand over the railing and drops the cupcake.

Down, down, down it plummets, whistling a one-note tune as it somersaults in the cool evening air. Imagine this sound as that made with a slide whistle when you pull down the piston.

Imagine also his delight when his sharp eyes pick up which target it hits at ground level.

Splat!

"Hey, look ever'one! It's raining cupcakes," howls none other than Lady Tsunade, her blond hair sticky and tarnished with frosting and chunks of baked carrots. She must be tipsy, having just stepped out of the bar. Normally it's unadvisable for a woman to walk the streets alone at night, especially if she's inebriated. But no one who values their well-being dares mess with the Slug Princess, a normally quite gregarious drunk who is still very much capable of violence if you aren't so gregarious in kind.

At any rate, Shizune hurries to greet her, her fishing for a date apparently unsuccessful. "Oh my gosh, Lady Tsunade! Are you all right? What happened? I told you I was coming after the party to take you home."

Tsunade swipes a clumsy finger across the top of her head to sample the morsel. Her face scrunches up after she licks up the crumbs. "Aw yuck! Is'is carrot? Booooo! Gimme choc'late! Ahhhh! Gimme booze-infused choc'late!" She sticks out her tongue towards the sky like a little girl trying to catch snowflakes.

Orochimaru quickly ducks out of view, if indeed his ex-teammate could have seen him all the way up here. He hides a snicker behind a hand. His night has officially been made.

Aina, failing to notice this hilarious sight below them, gasps. "Oh no, you lost your cupcake! Don't you worry, I'll go back inside an' get another one."

He declines the offer with a wave of his other hand, calming down. "No-no, no need to trouble yourself. Look, it's getting late. I should be getting home. I…"

Once more he spots Team Lee loitering beyond the window, by this point beginning to look bored (well, Neji and Tenten look bored; Rock Lee on the other hand keeps his nose and hands pressed to the glass, that insipid grin never leaving his face nor the stars from his eyes). Ah, there's an excuse he can use.

"I need to take my friends home. It's a school night, you see."

Of course Aina buys it, turning to face the same direction. "Aww, are those your friends? They're adorable! They must really like you to come out with you. You're a teacher, though, so it makes sense that they should like you."

Ah yes, she seems like the type to see nothing weird about a 50-something-year-old man hanging out with teenagers.

"If you'd like, I'll walk you home, as well. Unless, of course, you already have an escort," he says with as much charm as he can muster.

Aina peeks down at her feet. They are big, calloused, and cracked around the heels, tucked into larger worn sandals that still seem too big for her. Her toenails are long and stuffed with dirt underneath. He refrains from cringing. Not everyone is as fastidious about their appearance as he is.

It's a shame. A thorough pedicure could possibly salvage those. Possibly.

Hmm…

"Ahaha. Actually, I came here by myself. I'da come with Masa and Minori but Masa didn' feel like going out—not that I can blame her, it's getting chillier and she's outgrown the sweater I made her—and for some reason this place don't allow turtles. I'm hoping to change that with our club. But golly, they let you bring along Manda. So you must be very influential like you said you are. It'd sure be nice if we had you on our side!"

She makes sweaters for snakes? Now that's adorable.

But is it him or are her armpits getting even more pungent? With Manda still tied to him, he can't scoot away. "Yes, yes, I'll consider it. So would you like me to take you home or not?" he presses.

"Oh sure! Sure as sunshine. Dating is so much fun! We oughta do it again."

He shrugs with his usual air of "very-well-I'll-humor-you-if-you-humor-me" confidence. "I see no reason why we can't. You like me and I like you."

Aina bounces in place, clapping her hands all the while. "Yaaaaay! How's Thursday sound?"

He has to pause on that one. "Hold on, did you say Thursday? Don't you mean Friday or Saturday?"

"Nope, Thursday. Thursday's the fifth day of the week, and 5 is a magic number." She kicks the toes of her sandals against the concrete, swaying back and forth by the waist. "It is for me, at least."

"Really? What about 7 or 8?"

"Nope, it's 5. Definitely 5. Don't get me wrong, 7 and 8 are nice numbers, too. I jus' like 5 more. It's whole and safe."

Okay, then…

Thursday, Thursday…not a typical designated date night, that's for sure. For that reason, Orochimaru reckons whatever they decide to do the next time they rendezvous, they won't have to suffer the company of too many people. Besides, nothing comes up in his mental calendar for that particular day.

"This coming Thursday, it is."

"Yippee! You can meet me at my house. I'll show you how to get to it. I know! If the weather stays nice, I'll take you up to my favorite fishing hole! We'll have a picnic an' everything."

As accustomed as he is to being the one calling the shots, Orochimaru decides to let this one slide. The objective is to woo this poor girl and win back the trust of the village. He hopes the weather will still be decent for it.

"A picnic by the waterfront. That's a wonderful idea. Come, let me show you to my balloon."

…

"B-balloon?"

Orochimaru frowns. "Yes, I travel by hot-air balloon. Walking is for peas—"

He stops himself before he can finish the word "peasants," taking a supremely rare consideration as to who he is speaking to. "I mean, it's an efficient way to travel, especially when you wish to get up or down a mountain. Why? Is something the matter?"

"No, not really. It's jus'…I never been in a hot-air balloon before. Can't even fathom how you steer it. Come to think of it, I never been off the ground before a'tall. These old feet have been planted to the earth for as long as I can remember."

"Ah. Are you afraid of heights?"

"I don'…think so. It's not the heights so much. I'm jus' not sure about being, um, off the ground," Aina explains, again tapping her fingers together and glancing at them.

Orochimaru can feel his patience wearing thin again. There's no way he's going to walk all the way down this mountain and across the village with the burden he carries. But at the same time, he must keep working to win this woman's favor. So he offers this solution:

"No need to be afraid. There's no sensation of movement under your feet when it comes to hot-air ballooning, and I'm quite apt at piloting. It couldn't be simpler. And, if it helps, perhaps you could…close your eyes and hold my hand? At least until I drop you off."

Aina doesn't answer for a moment, taking her time to ponder his offer.

Her sweet time, and his. He claps a hand over his head when he can feel one of the vessels inside his brain throb in frustration.

"Uh-oh, have you got a headache, Orochi?"

"Huh? No, no, I'm just, uh, combing my hair." He covers his tracks by running his fingers through his long, silky, ink-black hair. Maintaining this hair has never been easy, and it just seems to get harder as time has marched on.

Aina scratches the back of her head, weighing her personal preferences against the problem at hand. "Well…I'd much rather walk home. But it is getting dark, and I wouldn' want the kids to miss their bedtime because of me. Plus, you've got so much to carry home. If balloons are as fast as you say they are, then…

"O…okay, I'll do it. If it means I get to hold your hand," she says with a nod and an awkward beam. "Holding hands is always nice."

He smiles back. Ohohoho! Orochimaru, you are still one smooth operator. "Excellent. Then away we go."

…

The ride across the village is awkward for almost everyone in the basket, the greater part silent apart from the hum of the local nightlife far below them. The only one unaffected is Aina, who has scrunched into a tight ball on the floor with her face buried in her thick thighs and concentrates on stable thoughts of the ground. Her ears are obstructed by a pair of ear-muffs, which she'd conveniently had on her person. Sometimes manual labor requires the use of tools that make a ton of noise.

She's this close to breaking all of his hand bones. Fortunately, despite his thin physique Orochimaru is strong, and while she isn't looking or listening he summons snakes from out of his sleeve to support himself while he manipulates the burner. Below them, Manda hangs on by a rope.

Lee, Tenten and Neji stand opposite of Aina to balance the distribution of weight. "I…I must say, it was nice of you to offer everyone a ride home, Orochimaru," comments Tenten uneasily. "I think."

"You think?" he shoots back, barely masking his irritation with a semi-unpleasant laugh. "I mean, of course! Isn't that what teammates are for?"

"Um, is Kame all right?" asks Lee, pointing to the silent woman. "She does not appear very comfortable being in here."

"Oh, pay no mind. She agreed to come onto the balloon with us this way. Now, since it's a school night, how about I drop you three off first before I take her home?"

"To the contrary," insists Neji, seeing no reason to hide his lingering suspicion of the temporary ex-criminal. "We prefer to be dropped off second. There's still the matter of where you're going to live."

He narrows his eyes at them. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you certainly can't return to Oto. If you're so intent on rejoining normal society as you claim to be, you have a better chance at accomplishing that by living in normal society. If Kabuto or any of your former underlings wish to do the same, they can come to us," says Neji firmly.

"I agree. But, who in Konoha can he stay with on such short notice?" asks Tenten, a finger pressed against her cheek. "He sure isn't living with me, and I doubt your family would want him around either, Neji."

"Ooh-ooh! Orochi can stay with me!" Lee cuts in cheerfully, rapidly waving his hand about in his teammates' faces. "I have plenty of space and we can do our morning and evening training sessions together! If you want, I can even lend you one of my jumpsuits. Green, red and orange are the best colors to wear on the path to harnessing the power of youth!"

Orochimaru doesn't even hesitate in giving his answer. "No."

"Aww, are you sure? I think you would look powerful in a green jumpsuit. I do not mean this to insult you but your current attire is not so conducive to turning over a new leaf. Like the snake you have such a great affinity for, you must shed your old skin to let your new one shimmer in the sunlight."

He, Tenten and Neji all look at him with a range of moderate to total disgust. He did not just make a leaf pun. Followed by a snake metaphor. He can't decide which is worse.

Ignoring their disapproval, Lee snaps his fingers as if he's just received another idea. "Wait! I have got it! You can stay with Guy-sensei, instead! He is closer to your age so it would not be so awkward, and he would be just as happy to take you in. Especially after we tell him of all the progress you made today. How about it, Orochi?"

Oh, no. This runt's faux-father figure is just as bad, if not worse. After all, Might Guy is where Lee gets most of his quirks. But what choice does he have? No one else will shelter him, and he can't suggest to move in with Aina. Even he knows it is much too early into this courtship to take such a step. She probably wouldn't mind—she seems the type with a bleeding heart—but everyone else would.

Guy will have to do, for now. At least until he can find a way to contact Kabuto without arousing further suspicion. He's truly itching to rub it in his face on how wrong he was about this plan.

He hisses, "All right, fine, whatever. I'll room with your sensei. At least until I make enough money to get my own place."

"YES!" Lee pumps his fist in the air, nearly knocking Neji out of the basket as he bops him on the jaw with his knuckles.

Aina, who hasn't heard a word of this exchange, turns up her head. Her eyes are still squeezed shut. "Oi! Are we there yet?" she calls out lamely. For someone who can't stand shouting from others, her own voice sure carries far.

Orochimaru turns to her and squeezes her hand. "Just a moment. I'm bringing down the balloon as we speak. That's your house over there, with the fence and the sign?"

"What?"

"Ah, yes. 'Kame's Produce Stand and Animal Clinic.' Here we are."

"What?"

He waits until he's landed the aircraft safely in front of the little stone house just outside the gates before he pulls off the earmuffs. "We're here. You can open your eyes now, Kame."

Her eyes pop open on his command. "Is that right? Ahahaha! Say, that wasn' so bad. Thank you, Orochi! You truly are a nice fellow."

Neji rolls his pale lavender eyes towards his feet. "Nice, indeed," he mutters. "Though that depends on how you would define 'nice.'"

Having never understood sarcasm, Aina takes this as an affirmative of her impression and does not let go of Orochimaru's hand until they reach her fence after stepping out of the balloon.

"It was a pleasure to make your acquaintance," he tells her. "Shall we meet again Thursday afternoon?"

"Yep-yep, same here! It's a date! Oh-oh, one more thing."

"What is it?"

She bounces in place again. "Can I, um—I think I'd like to kiss you. May I, please?"

Lee makes an undignified squeal of excitement from inside the basket ("Go for it, Orochi; you may regret it for the rest of your life if you back down!"), to which Tenten responds by whacking him over the head with a paper fan to hush him up ("Shut up, Lee!").

For some reason he can't articulate, this request makes Orochimaru balk. There are very few things that can do that. He was under the impression that women preferred to wait until well after the first date to give out physical tokens of affection, and besides no woman has ever kissed him before apart from his mother. But he'd rather lose function of his arms again than admit that, especially in front of the brats.

He swallows and plays it off with a little flirting of his own. "How forward of you. I like that." He turns his head to offer his cheek. "Very well, I'll humor you."

"Yippee!"

He feels Aina loop a plump arm around his neck, a warm gesture that immerses him in the smell of her armpits one last time for the night, and gets a brief but sloppy smack on the cheekbone that his date punctuates with a shameless "Mwah!" It ends as quickly as it'd begun.

"Thanks for the ride, Orochi! Good night, everybody!" She's practically dancing the rest of the way up to her door, laughing to herself in the meantime with all his ewers jiggling in her arms.

"Good night, Kame," Lee cheers, having quickly recovered from Tenten's assault. "Boy, you must have really charmed her at the party to have her kiss you like that." He sighs dreamily. "If Orochi can find love in spite of himself, surely I, too, will one day do the same with Sakura…"

"Whatever you say, Lee," dismisses Neji. "Now, to bring him to Guy-sensei. Orochimaru, are you coming?"

The sannin's back is still to the jōnin and two chūnin. Even after Aina has disappeared humming behind her door, his hand stays on top of the burning cheek she'd kissed. Is it her exuberance? Is it her smell which is just starting to dissipate from his nostrils? Perhaps he's merely exhausted from his first scrimmage on the so-called battlefield of romance and is still resistant to the idea of squatting with Konoha's so-called Green Beast?

Whatever the matter is, he snaps out of it when he whirls around and catches the three staring at him: one overjoyed with this turn of events, the other two concerned.

"What are you all looking at?" he growls, tossing his hair to expose one blue tomoe-shaped earring to them. His composure restored, he makes his way back to the balloon. "Hmph. Let's get this over with."


	3. Guy Smells Promise, Kabuto Smells Trouble, Anko Smells Blood, and Aina Just Smells!

As Orochimaru had predicted—and dreaded—all the way over here, Might Guy's square black eyes glisten with manly hot-blooded tears upon seeing the wayward soul on his doorstep asking for shelter. After Lee fills him in on the fortune that has smiled upon their new comrade this evening, Guy dives right in to embrace him.

"So your karma is already turning around! I can feel the energy of youth flowing through you right now. I'm so proud of you!" he sobs, clutching Orochimaru to him so tightly that he can feel his spine starting to bend like a boomerang. Guy lifts him up off the ground until his feet kick about on reflex, staining his clothes with tears and snot as he crams his face into his chest.

How he wishes the brats weren't watching. Were the circumstances a bit different, he would have taken advantage of this unwelcome intimacy to wrap snakes around Guy's throat and squeeze every drop of life from him in the same manner he would squeeze toothpaste from a tube.

But instead he bites his lip and forces himself to relax. He can't say he's used to a plan continuing for this long. By now something or someone would have blasted him and Kabuto into the stratosphere.

"J—just so we're clear, Guy, I don't intend this to be a permanent arrangement," Orochimaru chokes out when the former finally puts him down. "This is just until I get back on my feet and can afford my own living space." He digs the heels of his hands into his back to crack it back into position. He really needs to think about getting a new body soon. This one feels like it's reaching its expiration date. The wear-and-tear he's had to endure from his many brushes with the Leaf brats has only accelerated the decline of its condition.

Lee tugs on his sleeve. "No, no, Orochi! Remember you are Guy-sensei's student, now. From now on, you are to address him as Guy-sensei."

Lord Orochimaru, a student of Might Guy? Please! He answers to no one, especially not to a bombastic lesser shinobi younger and weaker than himself. Besides, if you asked him, Guy is shooting much too low with his philosophy. It doesn't matter how much you push for harnessing the "power of youth" when your body is going to break down eventually regardless.

Cue image of wrinkly elderly Guy bound to a wheelchair with a catheter poking out of his suit, holding up a trembling thumb and flashing a toothless smile because he forgot where he put his dentures (which unbeknownst to him clings to a flap of skin and fat on the side of his neck, having fallen out of his mouth while taking his third daily nap).

Now if you were immortal…maybe then you'd have something there worth pursuing?

The kids are rather eager to dump him here with their teacher as soon as the deal is struck—with the exception of Lee, who spontaneously asks if they can have a sleepover to celebrate Orochimaru's victory.

"Your unconditional support for our comrade is admirable, Lee," Guy comments with a thumbs-up. "Unfortunately, I'm going to have to say it's a no-go." He flips his thumb upside-down. "It's been a rigorous day and we have another long one ahead of us tomorrow, so we're all gonna need as much sleep as we can get to replenish our chakra. But maybe some other time, okay?"

"Ah! Yes, Guy-sensei, of course! I will sleep the best and the hardest I have ever slept! I will not let you down," his protégé vows, and the two share their usual tender embrace complete with spinning around in a circle and a shower of sparkles—some of which manages to fly into Orochimaru's eyes—before the master sends his students on their way. As much as Neji and Tenten love Guy, neither of them are particularly cuddly by nature, and make sure to step aside when moments like these come on.

Guy need not tell them so but does all the same: "Good-night, everyone! Be careful walking home."

"Good-night, Sensei! And good-night, Orochi! See you tomorrow!"

Orochimaru finds it in him to wave back at Lee. "Er, yes. Good-night. Thank you for today. I guess. Phew…"

But he should have known better. The next thing he knows, he's on the floor in his pajamas—the maroon ones with the white snakes on them—clutching a plush purple snake to him while Guy sits cross-legged next to him inexplicably garbed in a green nightgown, pigtails and make-up. They're like two girls having their own sleepover.

Give me a break. I'm in no mood for one of these genjutsus right now.

(Some call them genjutsus; others call them skits. There is no real way to tell between the two, and in the end it matters not. Each one is a world unto itself, and you must play along with the temporary reality established by them. Even change your sex to the opposite one.)

"Gaiko" takes a hairbrush and starts brushing one pigtail to bring out its natural sheen. She opens up the conversation in a giggly, gossipy tone: "Sooooo, Orochiko, my kid brother Lee said you met someone special today."

(So this is why he'd sent the kids home. He's testing him.)

"Orochiko" shifts her eyes towards the wall opposite them, fending off an incoming blush.

"Hmph! Maybe I did, maybe I didn't…what's it to you?"

"Well, is he cute? I mean, this is a he, right?"

Orochiko pauses to think about "his" giant puffy hair, his droopy puppy-eyes, his broad smile, his thick dumpling-shaped figure barely restrained in his yukata…his smell…

But of course she's not going to admit to Gaiko that she picked (got stuck with) the least attractive male there because apparently he was the only male to find her attractive at all—no, no, no! She refuses to believe that! That's not what happened at all! She's plenty attractive! The problem is that most men are so cowardly. They're intimidated by her. Aino could stand to look better and he may be a hayseed but he's fairly sweet otherwise and he did have the courage to talk to her despite that. Orochiko likes men with guts.

Plus, he'd called her pretty and talented. Not that she wasn't already aware of these facts. It's just nice to have someone else acknowledge her greatness once in a while.

Her pride and equally boundless imagination enable her to spin another yarn: "Well, of course he's cute! Cuter than cute, in fact. You should have been there, Gaiko: the boys couldn't get enough of me. I was so popular that I could barely get through the door without at least a dozen of them flocking over to drool over me. But, in the end, you can only choose one pretty face out of all of them, and this girl settles for nothing less than the best."

Gaiko puts down the brush to flap a hand at Orochiko in a teasing and greatly exaggerated manner. "Hee-hee-hee! That may be true, but I wouldn't rush into anything if I were you. Youth is about exploring the entirety of the fields of love with earnest and honesty. You don't have to pick one flower so quickly. You don't want to end up trapped in a regretful marriage with an unsavory man, after all."

"Who said anything about marriage?" Orochiko scoffs, taking up a bottle of midnight purple polish to paint her nails. "I don't even know if I want him as a boyfriend yet. Of course I'm keeping my options open. All I'm saying is he…meets most of my standards. So far."

Gaiko winks. "Ohohoho, what's this? Suddenly you don't sound all that self-assured. Is your tummy catching butterflies thinking about him right now? Lee says he even kissed you before he went home! Is that true? Somehow it sounds like you to chase after the straightforward types. I just hope you're not getting into something with a guy who's too…aggressive."

"Gah! Now look what you've made me do!" Orochiko snaps, holding up her pinky finger. "You've made me paint all over my finger! Now I have to start my nails all over! You're going to pay for that!"

"Ooooh, am I mistaken or did I just hear a challenge?" Her eyes alight with fire, Gaiko yanks out the fattest pillow from under her. "That can only mean one thing: Pillow Fight Jutsu!"

The genjutsu/skit concludes with the mother of all pillow fights that rocks the apartment to its very foundation and leaves the place in a whirling cloud of down feathers, furniture in various states of upset and fragmentation, and ripped cloth. No one calls the authorities to shut them down, however. This sort of late-night roughhousing is normal for the Green Beast.

Orochimaru can't remember who wins the brawl—he decides to call himself the victor in his mind, though he will admit Guy is nothing to sneeze at. He can throw a mean pillow.

But his is meaner.

In any case, when he comes to, he's laying limp over the kitchen table like a dish towel. He only gets to enjoy a minute's worth of true peace and quiet before his ears split open to the howl of an—

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWH!

HOWH-HOWH-HOWH-HOOOOOOOOOWH!

…air horn. That's new.

"Wake up, lazybones!" Guy shouts, back in his usual bowl-cut and loud persona and none the worse for wear. "It's a new day! Up and at 'em! Breakfast is burning on the stove. Come get it while it's hot!"

Orochimaru hovers in mid-air, his hair sticking out in every direction like a startled and furious cat and his jaw clenched nearly to the point of shattering his own teeth. He rolls off the table and kisses the floor.

For Pete's sake. If the Leaf ninjas just want to try to break him the whole time he's here, they should have just put him with Morino from Torture and Interrogation. Something tells him he'd have a much more relaxing time with those guys than with Team Guy.

Only the fortitude to see this plan through to the end stills his hand from succumbing to the temptation to rip off Guy's tight smiling face and hang it on the wall like a Hokusai print. A bloody vibrant mess to broadcast to all of Konoha just how he feels about it after all this time.

Alas! This fantasy stays just that, and with it he forces down his disdain for the super-spicy curry rice and udon Guy's made for breakfast. Must he put so much spice in it? No wonder he's always running around like his ass is on fire. Because it is on fire.

Who knew that Might Guy was a masochist? Then again, that might explain his excessively rigorous training regimen…

He's going to need a whole bottle of antacids after this, lest he find a gaping, oozing hole in his stomach come lunchtime.

Guy spins his chair around so the back of it is facing Orochimaru, and then straddles it so his feet are planted squarely on the floor. He wraps his arms around the back of the chair and grins at his new roommate. "Eat up! Come on, you can do better than that! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you know. You need all the energy and proteins you can get. What's the matter, got no appetite?"

"My appetite is fine," he hisses, wincing as the sixth forkful of curry and rice squeezes down his throat. "I just would have preferred eggs for breakfast, that's all. Or am I not allowed those, either?"

"Eggs? Oh, yeah! Why didn't you just say so?"

By this point Orochimaru's head is steaming like a fresh bowl of onsen tamago. "I would have if you'd taken the time to ask me…"

Wasting no time, Guy proceeds to crack five eggs in swift (and, the sannin notes begrudgingly, efficient) succession and pour the slimy yellow contents of each into a glass. He throws the glass across the table for it to glide into Orochimaru's hand like it's a shot glass.

Ugh…

"Excuse me, what's this?" he demands, tilting the glass to eye the yolks floating on top of each other in a bath of raw albumin. "Just what do you take me for? I may be part-snake but that doesn't mean I'm a total animal!"

Guy shrugs, and Orochimaru can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not due to the playful delivery of his answer: "Hey, I'm not saying you have to eat the eggs raw. You've still got free will; cook them however you want! But you might want to be quick about it."

Guy is rarely sarcastic, being a man of his word.

Orochimaru cocks his head and glares at him. Free will, my foot. This is another test, isn't it? Guy is gauging his progress on the path to righteousness by the way he prepares the eggs. Immediately his mind analyzes all the different ways to cook eggs and what morality they are associated with.

Let's see…obviously I can't go with balut because that'd mean I was chaotic evil. Well, I am chaotic evil, but the point is to get Guy to think I'm moving beyond the "evil" spectrum. Besides, even if I wanted balut, these are chicken eggs, not duck eggs, and these aren't nearly developed enough to pull it off.

What if I did rolled omelets instead? That'd put me more towards lawful good. No, that won't work! He wouldn't believe I've reached the polar opposite end of the spectrum this soon. Or would he? He seems dumb enough…no, it's not worth the risk. I'm skating on thin ice as it is.

I know! I should go with okonomiyaki! That puts me at chaotic neutral. That sounds much more realistic.

His mind made up, he uses a Wipe Transition Jutsu to cut the scene to the next one and skip the tedious part of actual cooking. Between the two men now sits a large steaming plate of egg okonomiyaki with the works.

Back home, Orochimaru usually has his underlings do the cooking for him, out of laziness—sorry, conservation of energy for more important tasks. Yes, reptiles and reptilian people must be careful how they expend their energy since their metabolism is so closely tied to external conditions of their environment. But when he absolutely has to do it himself, he's pretty good at it. Cooking is a lot like chemistry, except in cooking you can eat the concoctions you make and not die. If you know what you're doing, that is.

And judging from the look on Guy's lit face when he helps himself to a slice (half the platter, and without asking first, the pig), he agrees with his culinary skill. "There's a lot going on in this pancake…very chaotic…but somehow it works. Really hits the spot. Definitely chaotic neutral, but that's way better than chaotic evil! By a long shot!"

He cracks a broad smile, the kind a snake wears after catching a fat juicy morsel. HA! I knew it! Was there ever a doubt?

"Any progress is good progress, my student!" Guy gives his trademark thumbs-up and sparkling smile.

And just like that, his moment of triumph is ruined. Orochimaru only ever had one true teacher, and he hopes the old man is turning over in his grave for all the trouble he's caused him.

"Really? Is this how it's going to be from now on?"

Guy claps a hand behind his head and pushes the chair back into place. "Well, technically I am in charge of you like I am of Lee, Neji and Tenten. But if you really don't feel comfortable with calling me Sensei, I won't push it. I know the Third Hokage was your sensei. I don't want to step on that…even if it might not mean much to you, anymore."

Something about that remark rubs him the wrong way, but he can't say what. He brushes it off. It's not important.

"And anyway, maybe it's for the best you just call me Guy? It's kind of weird for a student and his teacher to be living together. The kids might get the wrong idea…"

Orochimaru jabs a finger in his direction. "No. Don't say it. You've pushed the boundaries well and far enough for this scene."

Guy blinks at him. "What do you mean? I was just going to say they'd think you were my favorite, when that couldn't be further from the truth." He leans in close to Orochimaru with a hand shielding the side of his face and whispers with a U-shaped smile: "It's Lee."

Orochimaru fakes shock in kind. "Really? No! I never would have guessed."

Guy snaps his fingers. "Hey, watch yourself, buddy. We've already got a great straight man in our group. Keep that up and she might start to get jealous."

"Come now, Guy. Nothing wrong with a little healthy competition. Don't you want to keep your team on their toes?"

Guy cups his chin, his index finger resting along his well-defined jawline. "That is a good point. I do want them to stay sharp. Oh! Listen to us shoot the breeze! The day is burning out without us, and the kids must be wondering where we're at. Come on! We've got so much to do today. Onward and upward!"

"But I haven't eaten my okonomiyaki—"

Guy is already grabbing his vest off the rack. "Just take it with you to go! Now let's make tracks!" As if on cue, the toaster fires a slice of toast into the air, which Guy catches with his mouth like your average anime protagonist late for his first day of school. It hangs out by a golden crispy corner wedged between his teeth.

"Hmph. You're a terrible ninja if you leave tracks. But that's just me. I'm old-school," Orochimaru grouches, stretching his throat and dislocating his jaw so as to scrape the rest of the pancake whole down the hatch, a tad disappointed with not getting to savor it. Being part-snake, he has no gag reflex. You'd be hard-pressed to find an object he couldn't swallow, and barf back up, with ease.

This is a very good thing. Without it, he'd probably be doubled over choking on rainbows all day from the sheer sugary goodness Konoha boasts.

…

Kabuto washes his scalpels for the fourth time today. For some reason no matter how many times he runs them under the water, they just won't come clean. Every time he lifts them up to the candlelight to examine them, he finds yet another smudge that he questions how he could have missed.

He doesn't normally get so…unsettled, but it's been 18 hours and 32 minutes and Lord Orochimaru still hasn't returned. That's not right. He isn't usually gone this long. He would have expected him back in 30 minutes, an hour tops, scraped and scuffed from head to toe and griping like a kid coming home from another lost baseball game because his teammates can never hold their own, all the while refusing to take any fault for their defeats because he's the best batter of the bunch.

"Waaah! I'm never gonna go Pro with those losers dragging me down at this rate!" grouses an imaginary small Orochimaru in his soiled uniform while Mom Kabuto dabs at his bleeding knee with antiseptic and sticks a Band-Aid with tiny purple snakes on it over the wound, nodding absent-mindedly all the while.

His thought bubble pops like a punctured balloon. The time to nurse his wounds and listen to him hatch his next zany scheme is way overdue. They have a routine. How dare he break it without warning?

…

He's beginning to wonder if the Leaf caught and executed him after all. He'd only warned of the possibility out of sarcasm. His own opinion of the village is no better; he dislikes the Leaf almost as much as his master. Not so much because of anything they did to him personally (although he has taken his share of hematomas and explosions from them) as it is because of how they treat Lord Orochimaru.

But he didn't think they would actually—

"No. If they really wanted to do that, they would have done it a long time ago," he says out loud, soothing his nerves with a (perhaps useless) dose of rationality. "Besides, he doesn't go down easy. He'd fight tooth and nail to get away. That's just how he is…that's how he's always been…"

"Kabuto?"

The medic turns to see Kimimaro peeking out at him from the doorway. "Where's Lord Orochimaru?" he asks quietly. "Is he back yet? No one has seen him since yesterday. I'm worried about him. I hope he's all right."

"I—I'm sure he's fine," answers Kabuto. "I'm…going out to check our perimeters. He's probably crawling back here on his belly as we speak. I trust you and the others will hold down the fort in the meantime."

"Yes, Kabuto," affirms Kimimaro with a deferring bow, his braids sliding over his shoulders to sway about the sides of his head. Kabuto would rather not worry the boy too much, considering his immense devotion to Lord Orochimaru often disagrees with his fragile health.

Still, Kabuto is Oto's lieutenant. When Lord Orochimaru is away, he is in charge.

Not that the other Sound nin always respect his authority. Except Kimimaro, who is the porcupine in this menagerie. He may be prickly on the outside, but you'd be hard-pressed to find someone sweeter or gentler.

"It's unlikely anything will happen to me, but if the minute possibility does arise and I don't come back here in an hour, with or without Lord Orochimaru…I'd like you and the others to dismantle the Leaf in our stead. Search and destroy. As in search for us and destroy them."

Kimimaro nods. "Yes, Kabuto. Please be careful."

The pair are interrupted when Tayuya bursts into the room, shoving a bewildered Kimimaro against the doorway. "All right! Who drank my apple juice?" she demands, her brick-red eyes ablaze with territorial fury. In her hand she clutches a glass bottle with a red sign taped around it. The scoundrel had had the nerve to drain all but the last few drops towards the bottom before leaving it in the fridge. They can barely hear the remains swish about as Tayuya swings the bottle like a knife.

When no one answers her quickly enough, her hair bristles around her head. "What, did I stutter? Who drank my goddamn apple juice?! Was it you, string bean?"

Kimimaro regains his balance and frowns. "No. And there's no need to curse and shout," he chides her. "We can all hear you well enough."

Kabuto pinches the bridge of his nose. "I don't know, Tayuya. Did you label it, this time?" Oto has a certain policy about snacks and the like: if you leave it where everyone can get at it and don't make it clear that it is yours, it is fair game.

She shakes her fist in front of her. "Of course I did! I put DO NOT DRINK ME with a skull and crossbones and everything!"

Of course whenever there's a conflict all Sound residents must get involved, like the many moths that flock around the lit candles scattered around the castle. Sakon/Ukon and Kidōmaru pop up from behind Tayuya on their way to play Kidōmaru's new video game.

(If you are familiar with the main series, you are probably asking yourself at this moment how the Sound Five appear relatively alive and well when they were all killed off in Part 1 in the main series and the spinoff is supposedly based on Part 2.

The answer is simple. Alternate continuity. Mad science. Reanimation jutsu. Crack fan fiction. The lines between these are quite blurred. Choose whichever one best suits your sensibilities and allows you to suspend your disbelief.

And we shall leave it at that.)

Said ninja folds his first pair of arms and shrugs the second pair. The third pair holds on to his game. Naruto Shippūden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 4™ for the PS4™, to be exact. "What's that? Hey, maybe nobody drank your stupid apple juice. Maybe it evaporated?"

"Maybe I'm about to tear off all your arms and stuff 'em up your ass like a bouquet!" Tayuya snarls.

"Oh, good grief. You might have a valid complaint if it was, say, a bottle of 30-year Suntory Hibiki™," deadpans Kabuto. "But you're just talking about some discount bottle of apple juice—"

"It's my discount bottle of apple juice! I don't touch anyone else's stuff even when I damn well can and should," she snaps. "Grrrr, I bet it was that fatso Jirōbō! I always figured he couldn't read. God, can't have even have a little apple juice around without the fucker sucking it down!"

Sakon's blue lips curl up into a smirk, not above instigating drama for the sheer amusement of it. "You know, it's funny you should say that. Jirōbō definitely drank your apple juice."

On cue, the largest of the Sound ninja ambles by with a towel around his tree stump of a neck, having just come inside from practicing kenpō. "What about me?" he asks, his pear-shaped face scrunched in irritation. "I drank whose apple juice?"

"Mine, fat-ass! You drank my apple juice!" the lone kunoichi of the gang roars, puffing herself up and getting as close to her rival's face as she physically can. "Have you no self-control? I don't want your cooties!"

"Don't call me fat-ass," Jirōbō grumbles. "And what are you talking about? Sakon, did you see me drink it?"

"I didn't have to see you drink it," Sakon answers, tossing his two heads and some more shade. "You were asking about it earlier."

"That's not what I asked. Do you have the ocular proof that I touched Tayuya's juice?"

"'Ocular proof'? That's a new one," jeers Kidōmaru.

Sakon takes on a sneer of his own and joins the other two in the formation of battle stances. "I told you, I didn't have to see you do it. You're on a seafood diet: you see food, you eat it. I could hear your voice quivering with desire for her sweet juice."

Tayuya grimaces at the innuendo. "Aw gross, it sounds even worse when you put it that way!"

"Why would I drink her apple juice?" retorts Jirōbō, by now his hands in front of him to perform a hand seal for an Earth-style jutsu to crush the life out of both of them. "She would have spoiled it anyway with that foul mouth of hers. I don't want her cooties, either."

"Oh yeah, how's this for foul-mouthed: I'mma peel off your scrotum and stitch it over your face so you can suffocate to death by the smell of your own dirty balls!"

Kimimaro's otherwise blank face flushes a mild red at his teammate's sheer vulgarity. "Excuse me, but you're all crushing me," he mumbles. "Please get off."

"I'd like to see you try."

She shoves him. "Only reason I couldn't is 'cause you've got no balls to begin with! Not like that would stop me."

Kidōmaru pumps three fists in the air. "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" he chants.

Kabuto, as much as he'd rather not get involved, cuts in to break up their squawking, more so for Kimimaro's sake than anything else. The poor boy is being squashed up against the wall, unwilling to get involved in the conflict but unable to squeeze his way out except to gut the lot of them with bone-spears.

Besides, Orochimaru didn't resurrect these morons just to have them kill each other off again. Personally, Kabuto thinks he should have just brought back Kimimaro and let the others rest in peace. He was always the least troublesome of the five.

"Everyone, stop! Quit acting like children. Save Lord Orochimaru's chakra for enemies that really deserve it, like the Leaf nins."

He pushes his glasses back up on his face, the lenses shiny with disdain. "Now, I think we can all agree that there's a small, small possibility that Jirōbō did the crime. But there's also the chance he didn't, and since no one saw him do it there's no way to confirm it one way or another…except to ask him up front."

Tayuya stamps her foot. "No, no fair! Why the hell are you taking his side?"

"I'm not taking anyone's side. If he says yes, take it outside and settle it between yourselves. If he says no, we're dropping the issue. Now go ask him for yourself once and for all."

Tayuya puts a hand on her hip and stares her suspect down. She huffs, "Jirōbō, did you drink my apple juice?"

"Yeah, didja? The inquiring man wants to know," snickers Kidōmaru.

Kabuto snaps his fingers like he's disciplining a dog. "Shut up. Not another word from you or Sakon. Or Ukon, or whoever you are right now."

Said spectators exchange mischievous looks.

Jirōbō's squinty orange eyes rove over the wall and he grunts, "No."

"Liar! I saw your eyes shift to the left!"

Kabuto turns away and walks to his desk to put away his scalpels. "All right, that's enough. I told you, he said no so it's over and done with. I'm afraid I have no more time to play mediator for you nitwits. I'm heading to Konoha now to retrieve Lord Orochimaru. Tayuya, if it will calm you down, I'll bring back another bottle. Let's not have this happen again. Please try not to kill each other while I'm gone, and stay away from my scalpels," he says, locking the drawer upon shutting it.

If one wished to accurately describe life in the Sound village, they may be inclined to call it a cross between an insane asylum, a prison compound, the deepest floor of hell, and a daycare center for psychotic children who will likely grow up to rot in any of the aforementioned.

…

The clock strikes at Konoha's Ninja Academy for lunchtime. While it's still warm enough, Aina takes this opportunity to dine outside, laying out an old tablecloth under the tree to sit on and set up her modest meal: a jar of kōcha-kinoko (known in other parts as kombucha, or fungus tea), tossed salad with carrots and ginger dressing, pickled white radishes, a cup of miso soup with green onions, and canned plums. Not quite as good as fresh plums, but better than no plums. At least until her tree bears fruit again in summer.

She folds her hands and bows her head. "Thank you for the food."

Everything the same, as it's always been.

Well, except for one thing.

Aina licks her finger and holds it up to test the wind. She shifts around on her rear to pull out her notebook. She does sincerely hope it doesn't get too chilly for a picnic come Thursday, but just in case…perhaps she could make Orochimaru a sweater? Masa is due for a new sweater, too. She should start on those when she gets home after work.

Nothing can wipe the giddy smile off her face. Not that she doesn't make it a point to meet every day with a smile but there's something a little different about this one. She feels…tingly and bubbly inside. Like the jar of fungus tea melting in her hand as she takes a swig. Aina can recall only ever feeling this way thinking about Tsunade.

She likes the feeling. It's been ongoing ever since the party. Since she met that neat, nice, funny fellow. She's not normally the type to hurry with anything but for the first time she finds herself wishing for Thursday to come sooner.

Oops! I plum forgot to ask him what foods he liked.

For that matter, I forgot to ask him what size sweater he wears. I'm so silly! Ah, well. If I see him around, I'll ask him then. If not…I could surprise him! A pleasant surprise is good now and then.

I'm so happy. I gotta tell someone!

Oh look, there's Anko!

"Oi, howdy, Anko!" she cheers, waving to the young kunoichi in beckoning. "Care to join me for lunch?"

The latter is passing by gulping down an energy drink, a hand in the pocket of her trench coat, when she perks up at the mention of her name. Swallowing, she turns her head to acknowledge her neighbor. "What? Oh, hey, it's you. What'd you say?"

Aina beams at her friend. "Care to join me for lunch?" she repeats, bouncing on her rear.

Anko cracks a smirk. Kichida smells funny and is off her rocker most of the time and but in a pathetic endearing sort of way, like a puppy that got dropped on her head when she was born. "Well now, that sounds tempting. You got any dango on you?"

"Um, not on me, but I do have some in my basket. Just for you, yep-yep."

"Good enough for me! Wait. What'd you put in them this time?" Anko inquires, her thistle-colored eyes narrowing in suspicion acquired from tasting some of Aina's more…unconventional takes on her favorite snack in the past.

"Red bean paste," replies Aina, forgetting all about those past misadventures. Just another sunny day with one of her many friends. "Your favoritest. That's why they call you Anko."

Anko nods, satisfied. Who can resist the allure of free food? "You got one thing right. Scoot over!"

The older of the two obliges, setting her notebook in her lap to fish out a paper bag with the goods wrapped inside. "Here ya go. Huh? Anko, your eyes…"

The younger glares at her. It's annoying how selective Aina is about her observations. "What about 'em?"

"They're all red and puffy. Are you all right?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's nothing. I'm not exactly a morning person like you are. I'm not lucky enough to be one of those girls who wake up every day like they had a good lay the night before…"

"Well, I did sleep pretty well. At least I think I did. When you're asleep you're not aware that you're asleep, don't you know."

Anko doesn't know whether to laugh. She keeps forgetting that sarcasm and innuendos fly over Aina's head like the crows above them calling, "Ba-kaaaa! Ba-kaaaa!" Sometimes it makes a good set-up for zingers, but on the other hand it's not quite as fun to throw around crude humor when your target doesn't react the way they're supposed to.

"Anko, are you havin' problems sleeping? I reckon I got some tea that can fix that right up—"

"Yuck! No thanks. I'm not touching that nasty-ass fungus tea, not even if you dared me." She sticks out her tongue to emphasize her disgust.

"But it's so good," insists the vegetable woman, ignoring her insult as she lightly shakes the jar. "I make it myself. I'll tell you what, kōcha-kinoko may be the cure to all ailments. I see no reason why it couldn't help your insomnia."

"Yeah, sure. You know what's the one true cure-all? Dango. Or red bean soup. Or better yet, both." She proceeds to pull out a stick of three dumplings from the paper bag and wolf them down one by one, holding the stick by its side like she would a kunai blade. And lapping its edge like she would a kunai blade. After she swallows, she changes the subject: "I see you've got the same spread again."

Aina in turn proceeds to take sips from her soup. "Yep-yep, that I do."

Anko rolls her eyes, not the sort who fared well under routine. "Don't you get tired of eating the same foods over and over again?"

Aina tilts her head and blinks at her friend, puzzled as to where this question is coming from. "Nope. This is how I've always gone about my lunch. I always sit under this oak tree at noon, Monday through Friday, with soup, salad, radishes, plums, and tea. Everything the same. Why would I be tired of it? Besides, you eat dango every day and it always makes you happy."

"Yeah but I do still like to change things up. It's not the only friggin' thing I eat. God knows you've tinkered with the recipe enough times to help me know what I like. And what I don't like..."

"Ahahaha! What are friends for?" Aina says warmly, once again oblivious to Anko's sarcasm.

"You're a weirdo, Kame. Dunno if anyone's told you that before, but you are."

"Thanks! You're pretty neat, too."

When someone calls you weird or any variant thereof, it means they think you're a great person. So Anko has explained to her. At first Aina thought this as a strange way to compliment someone, but when has the former steered her wrong?

The pair sit in silence for a few minutes more so Anko can polish off the rest of the dango and Aina can drink all her soup. Even the order she eats her meal is the same: tea, soup, salad, radishes, plums, tea again. One at a time. No one has ever seen her stray from that pattern.

Why should she? It's all she knows.

Aina stretches out her thick legs and wiggles her bare toes at the edge of the cloth, relishing in what little sunlight pokes through the shade. Before she moves on to the salad, however, she puts the cup back in the basket to replace it with a pencil. She picks up her notebook and resumes her sketching, humming a merry tune to herself all the while, the words to which only she knows.

Anko crams the paper bag into her pocket and cranes her neck. "What'cha drawing this time?"

"Oops! I plum forgot to tell you. I'm so happy, Anko. I went to this speed-dating party last night and met a nice fellow. We watched the sunset an' everything."

Anko resumes smirking. "Did you? Well-well, that would explain your peppy mood today. Didn't think you had it in you."

"Yep-yep-yep! I only just met 'im, granted, but I think I like him very much. He meets all my standards. I'm gonna be seein' him again Thursday at my fishing hole."

"Is that who you're drawing, right now? C'mon, lemme see!"

"Sure as sunshine."

Anko's stomach drops out the second she lays eyes on the portrait. For a bumpkin, Aina's actually fairly good at sketching things. But there lies the problem, for Anko can recognize that face in a heartbeat. A face she never, ever wants to see again.

No wonder her curse mark was acting up last night…

No way. It can't be!

"This is Orochi," says Aina, unwittingly confirming her fears. "Look how pretty he is." The blissful lilt in her voice upon mentioning his nickname, and then calling him "pretty" of all things, sickens Anko. It spoils the dango churning in her gut.

Is he here?

What the hell is he up to now?

Right then the base of her neck flares up once more, that same fiery pain that had kept her up the night before compelling her to grab at herself and stifle a yelp. After all these years, she'd have thought she'd get used to it by now.

Aina lowers the notebook, curling into herself at the sight of her neighbor's discomfort. She never could stand seeing people upset, regardless of whether she knew the reason. "Anko? A-are you okay? Got a crick in your neck? Here, I can give you a massage—"

She shoots back up on her feet. You idiot! How could you look that bastard in the eye and not know who he is?! Did he brainwash you or are you just that dumb?

Amazingly, Anko is able to hold her tongue. She's learned from experience that Kichida doesn't respond well to anger. But oh, how she wishes she could slap her hard into next chapter! How dare she fall into such an obvious trap, whatever this trap is supposed to be? No! She must go and take care of the problem herself before it spirals out of control, or she loses control of her temper. Whichever comes first.

Squeezing her eyes shut to conceal the hate burning in them, she blurts, "No! No-no, I'm fine. I just, uh, I just realized I forgot to polish my shurikens!"

"Say, I can polish 'em for you if you if you wa—"

Anko disappears in a puff of smoke before Aina can finish her sentence, leaving her sputtering in a fit of confusion and coughs. The cleaned dango sticks and crumpled paper bag clatter to the ground beside her, without even a hasty word of thanks to accompany them.


	4. The Leaf Village Gets Two New Residents! Sweaters for Everyone!

Despite its standing as one of the five major shinobi nations, security is alarmingly lax around the Hidden Leaf Village. It has to be, for Kabuto and Orochimaru to slip in and out of it as much as they do. Kabuto speculates everyone in this world has gone insane, between this Will of Fire nonsense, Springtime of Youth nonsense and the constant conflict that is conveniently glossed over at best, both here and in the main series.

What better way have they to cope with the never-ending madness around them?

Sometimes Kabuto wonders if they leave their walls unguarded on purpose, to A) lure enemies into a trap of false security before murdering them, B) fulfill their secret collective death wish, or C) both?

But that's unimportant. The objective at this moment is to recover Lord Orochimaru, dead or alive.

Alive, preferably.

Kabuto zips between a shrub and a tree. Let's see. He said he was going to see Rock Lee and his team first. If I can find them, I may be able to find Lord Orochimaru.

He briefly shuts his eyes in solemn concern.

Oh Lord Orochimaru, please don't be dead.

At least not until I've seen your will and I know I'm in it.

He barely opens them again when a flash of metal—Shing!—zips by his cheek.

"Ah!"

A sharp sting radiates through his left cheek. One hand darts for a kunai from his belt while the other dabs at his face to find blood on his fingertips when he lets go.

"Well, well! If it isn't Helmet-head. AKA, Ka-butthole!"

Kabuto's eyes shoot up towards the tree across the lane. Guess who he sees crouched in the lowest branch, trench coat waving behind her like a crusading cowl's cape in the dead of night?

He stares her down in kind, posed to attack back at the next act of provocation. "Anko Mitarashi. It's Ka-buto, thank you very much." He so doesn't have time to deal with this girl's nonsense. Most intel he has on her is secondhand—thank goodness—but he is aware that she used to be one of Lord Orochimaru's students. It figures she'd try to kill him on sight.

Kabuto leaps backwards when he sees Anko jump forward to land on the ground. His face scrunches in disgust when he witnesses her pluck the blade from the ground and lick it along the edge from the tip to the handle.

"Gross! You shouldn't lick things you pick up from right off the ground," he scolds her. "Besides, that thing just scratched my face!"

"Five-second rule. Am I scaring you? I hope so. I can smell and taste it in your blood," she shoots back, her toothy grin wide and feral. "Now, I'm gonna give you five seconds to tell me what the hell you're doing here and maybe it won't hurt so much when I murder you. What's Orochimaru up to? I know he's here!"

"You know, for someone who supposedly hates the man so much, you act quite like him more often than not. Anyway, you're such a great tracker. Why don't you look for him yourself?"

Anko grits her teeth, pretending that this remark hasn't scratched her. She is nothing like him. Nothing! Two can play at that game. "That's exactly what I'm doing. How better to catch that cold-hearted snake than to corner his yes-man? You two are practically joined at the hip…or should I say, the ass?"

Small puffs of steam shoot out of Kabuto's reddening ears. Only Mitarashi would go there. And Tayuya, but the latter is not here right now. "I-I beg your pardon?"

"That's right! You know just what I'm talking about. Now where is he?"

He aims his own kunai at her, more than prepared to kill. "If you must know, that's exactly what I came here to find out. He left to move into this dump yesterday and he hasn't come back. I came to look for him."

"You're lying!" Anko snarls. "And have some respect when you talk about the Leaf, Sound scum!"

"If I wanted to lie, don't you think I would make an effort to tell you a more convincing story?" he huffs. If Lord Orochimaru's still alive he wouldn't want to accidentally thwart his plans by outing him (as he's sometimes done in the past, but this is not the time to review these incidents), but this is getting ridiculous. "He said he was tired of being a villain and he wanted to go back to being a normal ninja."

Anko snorts, her fury displaced somewhat by bemusement. She lowers her kunai, but not by too much. She must stay on guard. "What? Yeah, right. Like there's ever been a time when he was normal. I would know: I lived with him for years. And the Leaf would more likely kill his ass before taking him back."

"I know, that's what I tried to tell him! But, as usual, he didn't listen," says Kabuto with a sigh. "I swear, sometimes I wonder if all that experimenting he's done on himself has turned his brain to mush."

"Feh! If this is supposed to get me to drop my guard, forget it! I hope Ibiki's torturing him right now. It's the least he deserves for everything he's done."

Kabuto's head throbs in exasperation. "No way! Team Bushy-Brows is way worse than anything T & I can dish out. I would know: I've lost count of the number of times they blasted us into kingdom come. In fact, that's who I'm visiting first."

A bolt of dread fires down Anko's spine. "Oh no. Not the kids! I knew it! You're trying to distract me while he maims 'em and mauls 'em and who knows what else! I've marked you so I'll finish you off later! Hang on, I'm coming, guys!" She hops back onto the tree and leaps over the fence behind it.

Kabuto, himself in need of a lead, follows from a safe distance. Oh, if only you knew how much danger those brats aren't in. Then again, I can't totally blame you for your ignorance. You are a background character, after all. You've only appeared once, maybe twice in this whole anime as a bit role.

…

Orochimaru has been off the grid for longer than he thought. Guy couldn't have been serious when he said today's assignment entailed picking up trash around the village. Literal trash. With sticks.

But once again, Guy rarely kids.

When did missions get so…banal? And that's putting it nicely.

He channels his rage into a Styrofoam cup by stabbing it a few times before actually picking it up to drop in the trash bag hanging off his cramping shoulder. "Forgive me for forgetting," he says, "but what is the point of this again?"

"The purpose of this exercise is twofold. HOOOOOOOO-WAH!" bellows Might Guy from across the street, roundhouse-kicking his next full, tied trash bag into an open dumpster. "Two points! As you all know, garbage is a physical manifestation of bad karma. The first is to keep our village clean and spiritually pure. Garbage interferes with the energy flow in each villager and the village at large. The second is more personal. Lee, care to enlighten our teammate?"

"Yes, Guy-sensei!" cheers Lee, bent over backwards to crawl on the ground on his hands and feet with his trash bag bouncing about on his stomach. "The act of collecting garbage is symbolic."

With a thrust of his stomach and pelvis, he knocks the bag up into the air and does a handstand to kick it higher into the air. "You are casting out negative thoughts and emotions that hinder your path to achieving your highest potential. So you are purifying yourself as well as your village. HOOO-WAH!"

He hops upwards to swing his leg and kick it once more with his heel. Like his teacher, he aims it for the dumpster, and gets his shot.

"Personally I like to think of it this way: you're either part of the problem or part of the solution," says Tenten, taking care to stay aside so as to avoid any oncoming projectiles.

"Excuse me, but I fail to see the point in picking up someone else's trash," snipes Orochimaru, defusing another swell of frustration into a take-out box. "It's not stopping them from doing it again. Now, if you had some kind of system in place to…condition people not to litter, then we wouldn't need to waste time on this."

He uses the word "condition" because "punish" and "brainwash" are bad words in these parts. But unsurprisingly, no one listens.

"Well, if nothing else, it teaches us humility," says Neji. "Something you could stand to have more of, Orochimaru."

The rogue sannin snarls. "Oh yes, you'd know a thing or two about humility, wouldn't you, Hyūga? You only spend every waking moment of your life licking your pathetic cousin's bootstraps."

Neji, twitching with rage, points his garbage stick at him. "How dare you? Lady Hinata is far from pathetic! You take that back immediately!"

His tongue protrudes far out from his white scaly lips. "Make me."

His bravado earns a whack across the back of his head from one of Tenten's scrolls. "Watch it! I won't stand for you speaking poorly of Hinata, either. Not to her face or behind her back!"

He's on the ground on his side clutching the bump that pokes out of his head like a bun. But not the type to quit, he grunts, "Y-you know what, I take it back. You may actually be more pathetic than Hinata; you can't even defend her honor yourself."

"Will you please shut your mouth!"

THWACK!

"Hey, that's enough! All this bad karma is spreading the garbage everywhere," says Guy sternly.

"That is right! Everyone take a deep breath. Change your anger into benevolent passion," urges Lee. "Like this!" He puffs out his chest as far as he can as he inhales though his nostrils—

"SQUAWK!"

Before anyone, most of all Lee, knows what's what, he's on the ground on his stomach like the squeaker toy he wheezes like as he finds himself under a pair of sandals topped with shin-guards.

"Surprise, bitch! HA! Gotcha red-handed!" roars Anko, jabbing a threatening finger in Orochimaru's direction just when he pushes himself off the ground. "And just in the nick of time, too. You kids are safe now!"

Everyone develops thin blue lines of horror about their eyes. "Are you sure about that?" pipes up Neji. "Because it looks like you're the one Lee needs saving from…"

"Huh? What? O-oh my God! Lee, I'm so sorry! I didn't see you there," Anko sputters, accidentally trampling on Lee that much more as she hurries off him and drags him up from under the arms.

"How did you not see him?" snaps Tenten. "He was puffed up like a bullfrog!"

"It—it is okay, Anko," groans Lee, grinning through the pain. "That was the best chiropractic work I have ever had! Thank you!" He flashes a thumbs-up.

Orochimaru cups his chin. "Excuse me, have we met?" he asks, his memory genuinely fuzzy about this woman's face. Something about her rings a bell, but he can't quite—

Anko promptly drops Lee back on the ground, stepping on his back extra-hard as he storms over to him, her coat flying about her legs as wild as her spiky plum-colored hair. "Have we met? It's me, you son of a bitch! Anko Mitarashi! I'm only bothering to tell you so you know the name and face of the one who will finally defeat you!" She jabs a thumb at herself and the same kunai blade she'd used against Kabuto at him.

He snaps his fingers. "Ah! Anko! Of course. I knew something about you seemed familiar."

…

"Oh. Suddenly things have gotten strangely awkward. How are you, Anko? It's been awhile, hasn't it?"

"How am I? How am I? I! Am! Pissed! That's what!" She shoves him backwards by the shoulders as hard as she can. "I dunno how you latched your cold grubby claws into Aina but if you valued your life you'd stay away from her! And get the hell outta this village! I don't want the kids to see how gory things are gonna get when I slaughter you!"

Orochimaru shrugs. Anko is as scary as she's ever been but she is still a minor character. It's an unspoken rule that minor characters do not get to kill major characters like himself. "Well, if you're going to kill me either way, I don't see a point—"

"My lord! Thank goodness you're all right!"

Lee is on his way back up on his feet when he gets trampled on one last time, courtesy of Kabuto who charges in from around a corner. Serves that big-browed eyesore right for all the grief he's caused him. Let him suffer a little for a change.

"Sure, if you would call being relegated to garbage duty 'all right'…"

"Can't anyone watch their step around here?" shouts Tenten. "Lee may be obnoxious but he doesn't deserved to get stepped all over!"

Except Guy's optimism (or his masochism, take your pick) has long since rubbed off on the boy, and he still manages to crack a glistening smile as he kneads his bandaged knuckles into his lower back. "I am okay, Tenten! Pain is good for you! It teaches you things! Is that not right, Guy-sensei?"

Guy nods in approval. "You said it, Lee!"

Anko, her patience long gone, brings the focus back to the matter at hand. She just can't believe what the context is implying. "Wait a minute! You mean to tell me you guys weren't ever in danger? You took on this scumbag willingly?"

Guy nods. "Why yes, we did! Orochi here came to us seeking repentance and rehabilitation, and that's exactly what we're teaching him." The Noble Green Beast saunters over to lock an arm around Orochimaru's neck and summons the audacity to give him a noogie. "He's already shown so much promise since he got here!"

Orochimaru grits his teeth, fakes a crooked smile and bears the humiliation. It will all pay off in the end. So he tells himself.

Guy winks. "Why just last night, he even snagged a girlfriend!"

Kabuto freezes on one leg, both hands in the air and almost all the color drained from his face. His gray hair pokes out all over his head like he's just been electrocuted. "WHAT?! Girlfriend? You, Lord Orochimaru? Since when?"

The man in question turns and snorts. "Didn't you hear Guy? Just last night. Well, it's too soon to use the term 'girlfriend,' but there is definitely something there worth pursuing."

Anko's eyes turn blank with blind fury and she forces him to start teetering backwards on his heels by swinging her kunai knife at him with the intent to slice open his throat. "Over my dead body!"

Kabuto folds his arms and shakes his head. "As if! A girlfriend. Don't make me laugh! I refuse to believe it! A woman would have to be blind, desperate, stupid, or, better yet, all of the above to want to date someone like you!"

Orochimaru glares at his right-hand man as he takes out a kunai knife of his own to fence with Anko. He thinks he's entitled to defend himself from unprovoked attack. "Way to be supportive, Kabuto…this is precisely the reason I left you."

"Eh? What's that supposed to mean? I come all this way to find you and get my face slashed by some psychotic woman and still you have the nerve to call me unsupportive?!" the medic snaps, hopping around in anger of his own.

Lee cuts between the former student and master to break them up. "Please do not fight anymore, you two," he cries. "The past cannot be undone but the future has yet to be written. Youth must be forgiven! It is all water under the bridge, now."

Anko stops for Lee's sake but she keeps her weapon raised. "Oh sure! You know what else will be under that bridge? Your rotting carcass, floating down the river and feeding the fishes when I'm done with you!"

"Really, Anko, you're not doing yourself any favors by attacking me when I'm not attacking you," grunts Orochimaru, brushing a lock of hair out of his face. "You can choose to believe me or not believe me. It makes no difference. I'm here to stay whether you like it or not."

Anko shakes her free fist. "Not if Lady Tsunade has anything to say about i—"

"Oi, howdy, y'all!"

Everyone turns to see Aina half-skipping, half-lumbering up the street towards them with her basket swinging in the crook of her right arm. In her left hand, she carries the sort of pipe an old man might use to smoke. She's in her work clothes today: worn paint-stained drawstring slacks and a washed-out sleeveless white shirt. Her belly hangs out, rippling with long dark stretch marks and cellulite.

She only stops to take stock of the crowd, and the twinkle in her soft eyes becomes that much brighter when she sees her gentleman friend among them. What luck! "Orochi! A pleasure seein' you again! How've ya been?"

He quietly swallows. He hadn't expected to see her before their appointment on Thursday. But at least he has someone else besides the brats, no less than the lady herself, to corroborate his story.

Not that he's intimidated by her. He's just noticed, now that her arms are bare, how hairy her armpits are. There could very well be birds nesting in them. She seems loopy enough to let them.

Oh God, what has he signed up for?

"Ah, um, hello, Kame." Hastily tucking the kunai into his purple rope-belt, he clasps his hands in front of him and puts on his most amicable face. "What a pleasant surprise!"

"Kame? Shut up! You have no right to call her that!" barks Anko.

"Nah, it's okay. Everybody calls me Kame, don't you know. Oh, howdy, Anko! Did you get those shurikens polished?"

The kunoichi in question tenses up, realizing she's about to be caught in a lie. Luckily her reflexes are insanely fast. She whips out a shuriken from inside her coat, spits on it, and then grabs the front flap of Orochimaru's slip to wipe it clean with the corner. "Yeah, yeah! Just finishing up the last one!"

Orochimaru snatches back the cloth. "Hey! Did you forget your manners when you joined the Leaf?"

Before either of them can say any more, Aina beams. "Aww, look! Orochi's helpin' Anko clean her things. Ahahahaha, I told you he was a nice fellow!" She toddles up to him, ignoring the incredulous looks on everyone else, and replaces the pipe with a roll of measuring tape. "Oh. I see y'all're picking up garbage. If you want, I'll take over while you take a rest."

He is more than ready to relinquish this job to someone more suited for it, but Guy cuts in before he gets to say yes. "No can do! We do appreciate your kindness, but this is a training exercise as well as community service."

"Is that right? Ah. If you say so…still, I can go get something cool to drink for y'all. You're working up a sweat, that you are. Wouldn' want you to get dehydrated."

Guy nods. "That, I will allow. Water should be enough."

"Okey-doke!" She rotates then to face Orochimaru. It seems she looks happier and happier to see him every time she does. "Say, friend, since we're here, you mind if I take your measurements?"

He balks. "I beg your pardon? My measurements? Why?"

"I wanna make you a sweater in case it gets chilly when we go on our picnic. So I need to know how big your head is. And your bust, an' probably your arms, too. Sorry I didn' ask you last time. I just got the thought today, don't you know."

"Oh."

Well, this is unexpected. No one's ever offered him a homemade sweater before. At first he doesn't respond, sifting through his mind for the socially appropriate response. But Aina doesn't seem to notice his hesitation as she follows up with: "Ooh! By the way, what color do you like?"

"Er…sure. And I'd very much like purple. Measure away!"

"Purple? Hmm…purple's a little expensive," she notes, tapping on her temple, "but I think I can still do it, for you. After all, what's purple but red and blue mixed together to make a whole new pretty color? Awright, Orochi, hold still."

He offers his head for Aina to wrap around his skull.

By this time Kabuto's shock and anger has been mitigated by amusement at his master's expense. So he was telling the truth. He can't say he isn't…surprised at Orochimaru's apparent taste in women. No. He's got to have an ulterior motive. Why else would he waste his time with someone like…this?

"A sweater, huh? Good luck getting his correct head circumference," he remarks, stifling a snicker. "It's liable to swell up to 3 times that size at least once a day."

If Orochimaru wasn't compelled to stay still while Aina takes her time counting the centimeter marks, he'd yell at him about now.

Neji shakes his head. "You know what? Let's just go back to picking up trash. It'll be nighttime if we wait on those two."

But Anko cannot let things go as they are. While Orochimaru's distracted, she holds up a hand. "H-hold it! I call for a huddle!"

She gathers Guy and the trio to her, leaving Kabuto out in the cold, irritated and unsure what to do or say. He can't act or speak on his own. He must have someone else to play off of.

"You guys, you can't let him keep seeing Aina," she whispers.

"Why?" asks Lee. "They only just met, yes, but they seem so happy together."

"Says you," says Neji. "One of them looks distinctly happier than the other to me. I don't need the Byakugan to see that…"

"Listen, you don't know her as well as I do. And you don't know him as well as I do. Orochimaru's bad news. You can't trust him, not for a second. He's the kind of guy who, when he was a kid, wiped himself with poison ivy after taking a dump in the forest and his asshole's still burning 50 years later. And he wants to burn down the whole forest for it."

"Okay, we get it! You don't have to be so crude!" Tenten protests.

Ignoring this criticism, Anko sighs. "And Aina…there's no way I can sugarcoat this. She's a dumbass. A nice dumbass, but still a dumbass."

"No way to sugarcoat? You didn't even try!"

Aina blinks and turns to glance at the group. "Huh? Who's a dumbass?"

Anko reaches over to pinch an indignant Tenten's lips in her fingers. "I-I'm sorry, did I say dumbass?" she titters. "I actually said, plum bass. Plums go great with bass."

Tenten flounders and flaps her arms around muffling the punchline: "Plbbss? Thb mmph nmph mm cnntbb!"

(Translation: "Plum bass? That makes no sense in context!")

None the wiser, Aina smiles and nods in agreement. "Everything goes great with plums, that it does. Yep-yep." She makes a note in a page of her notebook so she doesn't forget. "Okay, now your arm."

Once again, another vague twinge of pity comes on from Orochimaru. Not that Anko is wrong—she always was so very astute, and blunt, in her observations—but true friends have the nerve to insult each other to their faces. That's how it was way back when with Tsunade and Jiraiya, how it is between himself and Kabuto.

Glaring briefly at the Leaf ninjas—how dare they call him that petty!—Orochimaru offers his right arm. Aina wraps the tape around his biceps. "Golly, Orochi! What nice arms you have!" she marvels, tapping him with her thick pinky finger. "Very firm and muscly."

He can't remember when someone positively commented on his physique (though whether it's true depends on how you define muscly). He flashes an arrogant smirk at Kabuto, mutely telling him: Take that!

Kabuto pulls down his eyelid and pokes out his tongue slightly to mock him. Please, that's not even your real arm! That used to be someone else's arm, in case you forgot.

Not the type to be upstaged, Orochimaru opens up his yellow reptilian eyes as wide as he can and wags his tongue around. Aina, in her own little world, notices none of it, coming back up to reality for air only to take two more notes. "There. Now your chest. If you hold up your arms over your head for just a moment, like this…"

"Ah, yes." He imitates her, holding his arms straight up towards the sky.

"Hm. That's strange. Your feet are smaller than they were at the party. Much, much smaller…"

"That's 'cause you caught him wearing his orthopedic boots!" shouts Anko on impulse.

"Isn't the point of a huddle to talk to each other without others hearing?" says Tenten.

"No! I'm not that old," Orochimaru shouts back.

"Sssssh. No shouting, please. I can hear you just fine. And it's no matter what shoes you wear," says Aina, a finger on her lips. "Whatever you're most comfortable in. Though personally I like to go shoeless. I like to feel the earth under my feet and between my toes…"

"No, for real. She thinks radishes are a good filling for dango. But in all seriousness, he'd eat her alive," Anko warns meanwhile. "He'll swallow her whole and then dump her bones in the deepest, darkest ravine he can find."

Tenten shivers, finally having gotten her lips back. "No need to be so morbid, either. If you want morbid, go to the main series…"

Guy closes his eyes and takes all of her words into consideration. Lee, always aspiring to be like Guy, does the same. "Anko, your concerns are not unfounded. But since Orochimaru's been here, he hasn't done a single evil thing. We've been watching him around the clock. He's even my new roommate! This morning he made okonomiyaki for breakfast. For the time being, he's moved up to chaotic neutral. I'm not saying there's no chance he could relapse, but it's a good start for what it is. The road to recovery is full of ups and downs!"

Anko raises her eyebrows. "Oh yeah? You two are roommates now? I…guess that helps a little bit." At least she can comfort herself with the fact that her ex-sensei is not having an easy time while he's here. Nothing is easy with the Green Beast.

"Plus, what if dating Ms. Kichida can enhance his spiritual recovery?" Lee offers, not quite as helpfully as he means to. "Like in the story of Benzaiten and the Dragon-King!"

Cue image of Might Guy in a flowing kimono with ocean waves printed on it, playing a biwa atop a rock around which coils an enchanted dragon…with the transplanted face of Guy's rival Kakashi Hatake. At Guy-zaiten's feet are the trio themselves, clinging to her robes for sanctuary.

Guy perks up, always up for story-time. "Hey, that's right! Clever Lee, I wouldn't have thought of that! According to legend, the evil Dragon-King terrorized the island of Enoshima for a thousand years until the goddess Benzaiten came to rescue it. She married the Dragon-King and thus redeemed him of his savage ways."

"I always found it strange that for a goddess of wisdom, it took a thousand years for her to notice a monster was eating all these villagers in the first place," comments Neji dryly.

Tenten makes a face. "I think the real story's a bit more nuanced than what you're all making it out to be. Didn't Benzaiten reform the dragon by rejecting his proposal and explaining to him why he was bad, like any sane person would?"

Anko scares the lot of them by throwing up her hands. "Whatever! It's a nice fairy tale and all but it could never apply here. One, Orochimaru's not a cool dragon. He's a snake. A dirty-bellied, cold-hearted snake. And two, Benzaiten was pretty and smart and kind. Aina is only one of those things, and it sure as hell isn't enough to tame the likes of Orochimaru."

Aina glances up again from taking her final notes. "Huh? What thing am I?"

Anko groans. It's also annoying how selective that woman is about her focus. "Kind!"

Aina blushes. "Oh, thank you! So are you. I have wonderful neighbors."

Orochimaru rolls his eyes. He can't explain why exactly but now this is getting a little depressing to listen to. And here he was thinking he was the cruelest of ninjas. The apple does not fall far from the tree.

"Okay! I'll be sure to get that sweater done in time for our outing. I don' think we agreed on a particular time, did we?" she asks, swinging her basket back and forth in front of her as she bounces in place.

"I…I believe it was Thursday afternoon," he says, putting his arms back at his sides.

"Can it be 5:00? No, 5:30? I finish work for the day at 5:00, and I'll need half an hour to get home from the academy. Is that too late for you?"

"No, no, 5:30 is fine. That's when I get off work myself. Dinner by the waterfront…"

"Yippee!" She claps her hands.

"You know what? I could always meet you at the Academy instead, save you a trip."

As long as I don't run into Tsunade while I'm there, I should be fine, but what are the chances of that happening? When she isn't out gambling or drinking, she's sleeping the day away. Ha, I bet she doesn't even know I'm here yet.

Why did Konoha choose her as Hokage, again? It would explain why their walls are so easy to infiltrate.

"Yippee-yippee! That's actually even better. I'll make up the picnic basket. Yep-yep-yep! If I don't see you sooner, I will see you Thursday at 5:30! Mwah!"

She doesn't kiss him directly, this time. She blows him this one, instead. She smacks her lips into the palms of her hands and tosses it to him like it's a bird she's helping to fly.

Kabuto has to shield his face in his forearm, lest it split open with laughter. Orochimaru can hear him choke a chortle back, and his cheeks blister with heat. His fingers twitch with the urge to strangle something, or someone.

One of the more grating quirks to human socializing is the tendency for people to say goodbye, only to end up dragging out the conversation for much longer than intended. Sometimes multiple times in one encounter. In this case, before Aina truly takes off, she spots Kabuto doubled over. "Ah! Howdy, friend! Are you thirsty? Here. Have some fungus tea."

Not anticipating catching her attention. "Huh? No, no, thank you, I'm not thirsty, I was just…examining my shoes. I fear I may have stepped in something."

"Is that right? Well here, I'll take a look for you. Four eyes see more than two. By the way, what's your name? I'm Aina, but you can call me Kame. Everybody does."

"So I've heard. And no, please, you don't have to do that," he insists, shuffling away from Aina's grab for his ankles like he's dodging a puppy nipping at them. "My shoes are clean. Go away, please."

Now it's Orochimaru's turn to point and laugh. Not that he isn't glad to see him; he's just as glad to see Kabuto squirm a little after the day and a half he's had. "I see you're getting acquainted with Kabuto."

Aina stops and smiles back at him. "Oh, he's a friend of yours? Neat! Any friend of Orochi's is a friend of mine, too!"

"Now hold on, w-we just met! It's a tad soon to be calling each other friends, don't you think?"

She shrugs. "So? That's no matter to me. Everybody is my neighbor and every neighbor is my friend, and the time we spend together from now on can only affirm that fact."

Anko and Team Guy break up to witness this spectacle, dubious as to whether to find this "frolicking" hilarious or sad. "I told you she was stupid," mumbles Anko from out of the corner of her mouth. "That's why we can't let her keep seeing him, not in good conscience."

Lee grins. "I do not know. What she is saying is not that different from the Will of Fire. She may actually have a good idea. When you go into a relationship with someone with no prior knowledge of their past, you can get to know them without bias clouding your perception of them. You learn about the good first, which makes accepting the bad that much easier later on."

Guy puts a hand on Lee's shoulder and regards him fondly. "Very insightful, Lee! We would all do well to remember that."

Anko makes a raspberry. "Gimme a break! I'm just as loyal to this village as you are, but you kids should know by now that love doesn't solve every problem in the world. Also, have you forgotten who we're talking about? There ain't a good bone in that body. That body's probably not even his real one."

Lee looks up at her, thoughtful. "Well, if his original body did not have any good bones, maybe the one he is in now does?"

Both Tenten and Anko facepalm. Once again, Lee misses the point. But like Guy, Lee is set in his views.

Neji curls a hand under his chin. "Even without all that, as long as Ms. Kichida keeps pestering them, it'd be harder for either Orochimaru or Kabuto to make trouble, so long as they stay here. At the very least, they have a front to maintain. I must say, I'm sort of impressed they've lasted this long. It almost makes me want to see how much longer they can go for…"

"You guys are all terrible," spits Tenten.

"Oh! You know what? Since Orochimaru is here, maybe we can have Kabuto stay here, too? Those two are best friends! They cannot cope well without each other. They can find redemption through one another's company with our help…"

"But if we're going to let Kabuto stay here, we can't let him return to Oto, either. Who's he going to live with?"

Guy scratches his head. "Weeeeellll, I'm always up for taking on new roommates! Except, my place is kinda small. Just having Orochimaru around is a tight squeeze. Kabuto could probably set up fort in my broom closet—"

Aina finally decides to make her exit when she asks Kabuto if he'd like a sweater as well, an offer which he politely (with teeth clenched) declines. He only relaxes his jaw when she points this out and asks him if he's sure because "he looks cold."

"No, I—oh, can't I just clench my teeth for no reason at all? You can't tell me there's never been certain things you've done with no physical or cognitive reason behind it."

Aina peers up towards the sky and the rooftops and ponders this philosophical nugget. "I…can't think of no such thing right now. To do things for no reason a'tall...that's strange. Ah, well. Thank you for givin' me something to think about."

She blows Orochimaru two more kisses before toddling away, giving Kabuto the chance to confront Orochimaru while the Leaf nins are bickering among themselves—he's got a bad feeling in his gut when he hears one of them drop his name but pretends not to have heard it.

"So, you're totally serious about this? Please tell me you're not. Quit while you still have a sliver of dignity left to your name."

"B-but of course! Why would I not be? Wait. Are you talking about the plan, or the girl?"

"What do you think? Both! Really, Lord Orochimaru? That's the best you could pick up? A smelly bumpkin? I figured your plan would fall flat but I would have thought at least you had some standards. Let me guess: she was the only one in this hopeless village that showed any viable interest in you. Hmph. Beggars can't be choosers, I suppose."

Orochimaru almost jabs his finger up Kabuto's nose. "Watch your mouth! That's not what happened at all. For your information, the ladies were crawling all over me last night. I just…wanted to be sure I picked the safest one of the bunch. Someone malleable, who wasn't just interested in me for my money or prestige."

"What prestige? And what difference does it make if she's a gold digger or not? It's a sham marriage to get citizenship into Konoha," Kabuto points out.

Rather than address the hole in his story, Orochimaru changes the subject: "Well, you—you've never made me a sweater. Why is that?"

"Ex-cuse me? You're not pulling this on me again! That's not part of my job description. Last I checked, you're a big boy. You can dress yourself. Knit your own damn sweater if you want one that badly!"

Orochimaru turns up his nose and puckers his lips. "Well now I don't have to, because I've got someone else who will make me one. And it's going to be purple! What do you think about that?"

Kabuto pushes up his glasses, his eyes burning red. "What is this about, do I not kiss your rear enough? Is that why you left, why you're pitching this tantrum? Here, why don't I fix that right now? Turn around and bend over so I can kiss it all better…with the toes of my foot!"

Before one can act on his threat or the other can react, a booming voice shouts from up on the wall: "LOOK! There they are!"

It sounds like Sakon.

Everyone looks up.

Who else do they see except the Sound Five, with Kimimaro in center formation, Tayuya and Jirōbō on his right, Kidōmaru and Sakon/Ukon on his left? All of them have their claws/teeth/weapons unsheathed, meaning business.

Naturally, everyone but Kabuto and Orochimaru screams. How can they not? In a way, they are literally seeing ghosts.

"The Sound Five?! How is that possible?" squeals Tenten. "You all died in battle a long time ago!"

Tayuya tosses her hair. "Let's just say that death is meaningless when you're a Sound ninja," she says smugly.

"Yo, so it looks like Lord Orochimaru and Kabuto are okay," says Kidōmaru. "Should we go ahead and destroy the village anyway?"

Kimimaro, not the type to resort to violence for violence's sake, holds up a hand to still his more bloodthirsty teammates. "Wait. Lord Orochimaru, Kabuto, are you two all right? You didn't return when you said you would. So we came here to recover you, as you requested."

"I knew it!" growls Anko. "I knew he was setting us up! Right, come and get it, assholes!" Kunai poised over her head, she lunges…only for Neji and Tenten to yank her back by the coattail. Unlike the Sound Five, there's no way they know of to bring Anko back to life, nor are they sure it would be worth the effort. No one can be brought back from death without a price.

Orochimaru can feel a few beads of sweat build up around his crown. Crap-crap-crap, those ghouls are blowing his cover wide open! "What? N-no, I didn't! I haven't a clue what you're talking about."

Kabuto, sensing the same danger, forgets their quarrel for the time being and bows to his master. "Forgive me, my lord. It was my mistake and mine alone. When you didn't return to Oto, I came here to look for you, and before I left I ordered the Sound Five to atta—search for us in case I didn't come back with you."

Orochimaru looks back over his shoulder to note the more defensive postures of the Leaf ninjas, then turns back to his elite bodyguards. He clasps his hands. "Well. Er, thank you for your concern, everyone. I…do well and truly appreciate it. But it was unnecessary. As you all can see, I'm perfectly fine. And, as much as it breaks my heart to say this—as it will surely break yours—I've decided to stay here in Konoha."

The Five (sans Kimimaro) gasp.

"What?"

"Are you serious?"

"You mean you weren't joking when you said you were gonna go back to being a normal ninja?"

"Aw man! I was really looking forward to rolling some heads, too!"

"Wow, okay! Screw you too, Lord Orochimaru," huffs Tayuya, blustering as ever. Whether she's taking his rejection at face value or has seen through his ruse and is playing along is unclear. "That's how you're gonna pay us back for everything we've done for you? Up yours! Come on guys, let's go home."

Yes, a rather anticlimactic end to what could have been a deadly and epic confrontation, but perhaps it's for the best?

"Hey, Kimimaro! You coming or what?"

The oldest and strongest of the Five (whether the others would admit it or not) hesitates, gazing into the unusually harried expression of his master's face. His own pale face is blank, his brilliant green eyes unwavering. After a moment of silence, he answers:

"Actually…I think I'm going to stay here, with Lord Orochimaru. If he will have me, of course."

"What? Ugh, whatever. So I guess we're back to being the Sound Four," grumps Tayuya. "Guess that makes me the leader, now."

"Wait a minute! Why do you get to be the leader?" says Sakon. "I should be the leader!"

"Because I'm the smartest of you turds, that's why."

"No way! I should be the leader!" Kidōmaru jumps in. "I'm the handiest!"

"The only thing you're versatile at is giving Sakon and Ukon handjobs."

"Oh my God, will you all be quiet? How did Orochimaru end up raising a bunch of potty-mouths?" demands Tenten, having reached her limit of scandal for one day.

Anko shrugs. "What can I say? Filth attracts filth."

Orochimaru ponders whether he should smother Anko with snakes when this is all over. What death would be more karmic than that?

Kabuto finds the opening he was looking for. "Well, if Kimimaro is going to stay here, someone needs to be here to care for him. I suppose I'll be staying behind as well. Those four can take care of themselves well enough. I hope you all don't mind," he adds, putting on his unassuming "oh-I-don't-mean-to-be-a-burden" front.

Lee gives them all a thumbs-up. "Of course! The more, the merrier!"

"HUH? W-wait a second, Lee, isn't Orochimaru enough?"

"Indeed, living with someone you killed in battle once is bound to be awkward," says Neji.

"That's not what I'm talking about!"

Kimimaro leaps off the wall and hops down to earth using the rooftops as stairs. Tayuya, on the other hand, hurries back on top of the wall to pout. "Now wait just a minute! Kabuto, you promised you'd get me more apple juice! If you're not coming back, who the hell's gonna get me it now?"

Oh. Right. "Well, erm, I'm sure you can very well pick some up for yourself at another village on your way—"

"Oi, did somebody ask for apple juice?"

Everyone looks to see Aina skipping back up the street, a bell to a store ringing behind her as she trots up to the gates with her offering. She jumps up and down, waving the bottle over her head for Tayuya to see. "Here ya go!"

"Hello, where'd you come from?" sputters Kabuto. "I thought you left the scene!"

"From my Mama-n-Papa, because they loved each other very much. And I am never too far away to hear a cry for help. Say, friend! Howdy, I just saw you jump down from that there wall. I can't jump that high or that far so could you please take this juice to that lady up there?"

She is of course speaking to Kimimaro. He doesn't say a word to her, but seeing no reason to object to her request (the sooner Tayuya leaves, the better for him and everyone), he accepts the bottle and goes back up the way he came to deliver the goods to their target.

"Try not to kill each other while we're gone," are his last words to his teammate for now. "I don't know if the reanimation jutsu can be used twice in a row but I wouldn't risk it."

"Pft. Whatever. Tell that broad down there thanks for the juice. I guess." This has got to be the calmest Kimimaro has ever seen Tayuya. Not that that's saying much.

And so with that, the Sound Four disappear beyond the wall. Kimimaro repeats the journey down the rooftops to join Orochimaru and Kabuto, only to be stopped by the stranger once he lands on the ground.

"Ahahaha! Thanks for your help, neighbor! Now I gotta give your reward. It's okay, just hold out your hand…"

Cautiously he stretches out an open palm, to have her drop a giant white radish into it. He blinks in mild surprise at the gesture, but otherwise he nods in gratitude.

No one knows what to say to this. As far as any of them can recall, no one's ever approached a Sound ninja so casually, asked them for a little favor from out of the blue, and then gave them a radish, a radish of all things, as payment. It's just…too weird for words.

"There's plenty more where that came from at my shop, Kame's Produce Stand! Oops! I plum forgot about the water I was s'posed to bring over. Hang on, I'll be right back. Y'all have a good day, now! And thanks a bunch!"

Aina trots off again, this time whistling a tune and once more oblivious to her surroundings.

Kimimaro walks back to Orochimaru and Kabuto, sniffing the radish clutched in his hand. The latter two exchange looks. "At least she didn't give you candy. She had me worried there. So are you going to tell him, or should I?" asked Kabuto, lapsing back into a surly mood.

Kimimaro glances up. "Tell me what?"

"Oh. Well, I—that woman you were just speaking to, the one who gave you that radish…"

The sannin mumbles the last words under his breath, almost as though he's too ashamed of them. This is especially worrisome to Kimimaro, who'd thought up until now that nothing could cause his lord shame of any kind.

"Lord Orochimaru? Forgive me, but I didn't hear that last part you said."

Kabuto beats them all to the punch: "That was his new girlfriend you were just speaking to."

Orochimaru stamps a foot. "Shut up! She's not my girlfriend! I mean, not yet, at least. It'd be more accurate to call her my date."

Kimimaro blinks again. "Date? Since when?" He will need some time to process this. This is certainly a new approach Lord Orochimaru has taken in crushing the Leaf, dating one of its women.

It's not his place to question his methods.

Still, to be safe, he should look into this woman himself after hours. Assess her full intentions with his master. If he doesn't like what he sees…he'll squash the problem before it has the chance to take root.

In the meantime, he starts nibbling slightly on the tip of the vegetable. Sweet, crisp and mild. As a white radish should taste like. Not bad, he'll give it that.

Neji brings their attention back to the matter at hand. He pinches the spot between his eyes. "All right, so it looks like we're stuck with three of you now. Now, about the matter of room and board…"

"Kimimaro, you can live with me, if you want!" cheers Lee. "We are about the same age, are we not?"

"No, thank you. I'd much rather stay with either Lord Orochimaru or Kabuto," he replies matter-of-factly. There's something a bit too awkward about staying with someone who fought you in your last battle, even if Lee hadn't technically dealt the final blow. Besides, after spending all that time with the rest of the Sound nins, he's grown weary of sharing space with people "his own age." He always got along better with older people.

"Oh, sorry, Kimimaro," Guy laments. "I'm afraid Orochimaru and I are already roommates. My place may be too cramped for you."

Not quite what he'd wanted to hear, but what can he do? "Then I will stay with Kabuto."

"And just where am I supposed to live, exactly?"

Anko, seeing an opening she has been waiting for, steps forward and cracks her knuckles. She makes little if any attempt to wipe the sadistic grin off her face. "I've got enough space at my place. These two yahoos can stay with me. At least until they can get a place of their own."

Tenten jets away from her. "Stop it with that creepy look! You look like a serial killer with that face!"

"No-no, I-I don't think that will be necessary—"

"What'sa matter, Helmet-head? Afraid to share a room with a girl? Not what you're used to?" she presses, taunting him with her arms akimbo.

"That's not it at all! I think I'm allowed to have some reservations about sharing living quarters with a violent lunatic like yourself. Especially when I have a sick child to mind on top of it."

"Really? That's surprising. I thought that's what you did every day back at Oto. And Spinal Cracker here doesn't look sick to me."

Kimimaro turns away, refusing to dignify her with a response. She doesn't know him.

Orochimaru leans in to whisper into Kabuto's ear: "Just do it."

"What? My lord, all she's done since we met is attack me," the medic whispers back, rapidly sliding down to the end of the gym rope. "Does that mean nothing to you?"

"As long as you don't get up to any mischief, she'll only make herself look bad if she tries anything. Besides, if she goes too far, Kimimaro is sure to step in. It's only for a while. I have to live with Guy, so you have to live with Mitarashi."

"I see. That's how justice works in Orochi-Land?" Kabuto exhales a puff of air. "Very well. I accept your offer to be roommates. But since this is all short notice, I'd like to make a supervised trip to Oto to get my things and Kimimaro's. Can you at least permit us that much?"

Pleased with Kabuto's willingness to begin his own quest for redemption, Guy nods and throws him a trash bag, gloves and a garbage stick. "Sure thing! After we finish today's assignment. Hurry along, now! We're burning daylight!"

"Yes, road trip!" hollers Lee with a fist pumping in the air. "I know just what will get this job done faster!"

"Lee, NO! Don't you dare—"

"Leeeeeaf Trash Pick-up Whirlwind!"


	5. The Birth of Team Anko!

"Right, then…where is the best place around here to store my scalpels?"

"I don't know, they're knives, aren't they?" says Anko, leaning against the wall filing her nails. "Throw 'em in with the rest of the knives."

Kabuto looks back over his shoulder to fire a glare at his new roommate…or would "captor" be the correct word here? "I beg your pardon? They're not just 'knives.' They're medical utensils, and if you think I'm so stupid as to leave them out so a knife nut like yourself can get at them, you've got another thing coming."

"What, you planning to do some surgeries while you're here, Dr. Helmet-head?" she asks with a sneer. "Any mad scientific experiments on people? 'Cause if you think you are, you're the one that's got another thing coming."

She snaps her fingers, her lips now curling into the meanest, most infuriating grin he's ever seen in conscious memory from someone besides Lord Orochimaru. "Wait! I've got an idea! You can take your scalpels and shove 'em right up your tight ass! Even I'm not desperate enough to go prying around for 'em up there. Just a little tip: be sure you pad them before you do it. Wouldn't want you to tear up your rectum and stain my apartment with your dirty ass-blood."

Tight ass? Does she mean that bit as an insult or a compliment? Both sound the same from her tongue.

Never mind that. Anko's unrelenting vulgarity and snark has Kabuto boiling inside like a lobster in a pressure cooker, but apart from a few twitches in his fingers and the corners of his eyes, he maintains as stoic of a composure as he is able. It's bad enough that Lord Orochimaru has sold out to the Leaf, pretend or no. She's trying to goad him into attacking her. He can't let this woman get to him. He won't let her get to him.

His silvery hair bristles about his brow. "Let's get one thing straight, Mitarashi. You don't like me, and you can be assured the feeling is mutual. As if it weren't ridiculous enough that you're named after bean paste and syrup—both of which, by the way, are going to make you morbidly obese later if you keep eating them at the rate you are—but 'Anko' sounds quite a bit like Onco-, which is a Greek prefix to indicate tumors. That is precisely what you are to me. A tumor. That is the depth of my dislike for you."

"Ooh, you know some basic medical terminology. Aren't you so friggin' smart," she retorts in a sickly sweet tone, batting her eyes at him.

He strategically props a hand on his right hip, asserting his position. "This arrangement of ours is only temporary, until I can make enough to get a place for Kimimaro and myself. I don't think it's so unreasonable to ask that we, at the bare minimum, tolerate one another. Not like, but not eviscerate each other either. Just tolerate."

Anko puts a hand on her left hip, as though mirroring him. In her right hand, she twirls the file in the air. "Tolerate, huh? All right, then let's negotiate space, shall we?"

He jumps slightly when Anko tosses her file across the room like she would a kunai, and it lodges into the space between his feet. It takes everything in him not to flinch. Too much. Anko then proceeds to throw an array of shurikens about the kitchen in a mere two blinks of an eye to form a square, penning him in the corner by the sink.

"See where those shurikens are? The space inside is yours. The space outside them is mine."

"Excuse me? You can't be serious! This is only 2 meters wide and 2 meters long!"

"Which gives you 4 square meters in all, which if you asked me is pretty generous. Our prison cells are a lot smaller, and if I had it my way that's where you'd all be."

"Wait a second, if I were to be confined to this dinky square, where would I sleep? How would I wash my clothes? What if I need the toilet?"

"Ppft. That's what the sink is for. And yeah, that's in reference to all three questions."

Kabuto can't decide whether to turn red with anger or green with disgust. He's beginning to doubt this woman isn't at least part-animal herself. "No! I'm not letting you confine me to the sink!" He takes care to watch his step as he defies the gross arbitrary boundary she's set up. The last thing he needs is a shuriken through his foot.

"Yo, did I say you could cross over the line? Get back over there before I pin you to the floor."

"Make me!"

Anko dashes over to him and before either know it they're nose to nose, toe to toe, each challenging the other to choose their next move wisely.

Kimimaro takes care to stay well away from the kitchen as he surveys the apartment for a suitable place to make a bed. Not that he's afraid at all. He'd just rather not get in the middle of their tension, which has been getting thicker and thicker since their first encounter. He may intervene if things become physical, but for now they're just throwing words around. Empty threats and insults. He's not going to waste his energy breaking up something so petty.

It's a shame, really. Kimimaro came to the Leaf to get away from the Sound's nonsense. If he wanted to listen to his house-mates bicker and compare the bulging veins in their biceps, he would have stayed back at Oto. Like Kabuto, he's only here for Lord Orochimaru's sake.

"You act like I want to be here. Well, I don't. I'm only here to support Lord Orochimaru. Even if I think he's making a horrible mistake…"

"Aw, that's hardly surprising. I always pinned you as an asshole. It feels good to know I was right…in more than one sense. You can't even think for yourself. You just take whatever he gives you with a big ol' smile, don't you?"

Kabuto gnashes his teeth. "Will you stop talking like that? It's disgusting. It's no wonder you're pushing 30 and still single. And what makes you any better than me? You're a lapdog for the Leaf, through and through."

Something flashes in Anko's purple eyes but it dissipates before he can identify it. "How could I not be loyal to Konoha? They took me in after your boyfriend gave me the mother of all hickies and left me out to dry!"

"Oh, waaah. If anything, you should be grateful he found you worthy enough to share his chakra with you to begin with. Though personally, I chalk it up as another one of his few stupid mistakes, seeing how you never use it…"

"Got that right! And I never will!" Where's the dial on this woman? She seems to get louder and angrier with every passing second. "Now tell me what he's got in mind for Aina and maybe I'll go easy on you."

"Ugh, I don't even know. Maybe he's cracked after having so many plans fail on him, but apparently I underestimated just how desperate he's gotten. If he wanted a girlfriend that badly, he could have at least formulated a mind-control jutsu to catch someone more appealing than that…hick."

He spits out that last word like it's undercooked meat. He's always loathed raw meat. That's exactly what this "Kame" person is to him. A raw, cheap piece of meat that's been left out in the sun for too long.

Anko's eyes are so narrowed at him now that it's a wonder they don't pop out of existence. "What's the matter, Helmet-head? You jealous? You totally are! I can see it in your eyes!"

"Jealous? Why would I be jealous of that repulsive idiot? She thinks she's so cute and quaint with her 'howdy, y'all' and 'everyone is my neighbor' shtick." He puckers his lips, opens up his eyes to let the sparkles in them, claps his hands and mimics the farmer's deep, soft voice just to emphasize how dumb she sounds, mild inexplicable twang and all.

"'Ooh-ooh, lemme knit you a purple sweater for our picnic—goodness knows I've got more than enough body hair to make one—since I've clearly got nothing better to do with my nothing life.' Hmph! Whatever he's up to, I know he's only with her because she kisses his scaly butt all day long. She's just so easy, it's pathetic. It's almost disturbing, in fact."

Apparently this crosses another, more serious line in Anko's wild imagination. Because no sooner do the words rip out of his lips—

THWACK!

—he finds himself on the ground with a throbbing pain shooting through his skull from his nose outward. How could he let his guard down that much?

"Don't you ever talk about her like that again!" she yells, hoisting him up off the ground by the collar. "Yeah, she's a dork and a doofus but only I'm allowed to say that, you hear me!"

"Mitarashi."

The pair whirl around to see Kimimaro in the threshold, having already pulled out a bone blade from his shoulder and assuming a battle stance. Despite being the youngest of them, his fight face is arguably the deadliest in its tranquil fury. The flaming red markings under his sharp green eyes just nail it.

"You'd do well to put Kabuto down," he warns her coldly, pointing his weapon at her. "It doesn't matter how strong you think you are. You don't hold a candle to me and my Shikotsumyaku."

"H-he's right," Kabuto grunts, his lips warmed by the trickle of blood trailing over them. "I'd listen to him. He'll clobber you."

Normally, Anko thrives on challenges. But this time, now that she's gotten a healthy punch out of her system, she pauses. As much as she'd rather not acknowledge it, they're both right. This kid is one of Orochimaru's elite freaks. He'd skew her like a dango in a heartbeat.

If she gave in to her curse mark and tap into her hidden powers, maybe then she'd stand a chance—

No! No, no, no, no, no! How could she even think that? To do that would be letting Orochimaru win, in every sense. Her neck and left shoulder radiate with pain as punishment for humoring this temptation, even for but a second. She lets Kabuto drop back to the floor to nurse her neck.

"Fine. Enough horsing around for now. I think we've reached some kind of an understanding…"

Kimimaro shuts his eyes and sheaths his weapon back into his body like one would stick a butter knife through butter. "That's better. I'm going back to unpacking." He makes his exit on the left.

"What understanding? We haven't accomplished anything," snaps Kabuto. "We just argued about basically nothing and then you punched me in the nose." He staggers back up onto his feet and rips off a sheet from the paper towel roll to dab at his nose. "If that's your definition of coming to an understanding, I don't want to know what you consider going to bed angry."

Anko resumes her smirking. "Why? Are you scared? I'd be happy to show you sometime, but only if you could handle it."

Kabuto makes a face. "Are you…threatening me, or flirting with me? Make up your mind, will you?"

"Make of it whatever you want, and I could tell you the same." She takes a swipe of his lip when he lowers the balled-up towel for only a moment, and takes a sniff of the blood drying on her thumb tip. Molten red liquid iron.

Something about blood has always fascinated her. She can't say what about it appeals to her exactly, or whether she picked that up from the time she'd spent training under Orochimaru. She knows it freaks people out when she gets like this. What she can't decide on is whether to let it bother her or to relish in it. It is fun to see her enemies squirm, like Kabuto.

"You're disgusting," huffs the man in question.

"That makes two of us," she says, casually wiping the blood smear on her coat. "Anyway, you two should know you won't be squatting here for free. You're gonna be earning your keep. And since I've got connections with Lady Tsunade and the Academy, I can easily get you jobs as provisional Leaf shinobi."

"Oh, great. So we have to work in a group of three? And who, pray tell, would be our leader?"

Anko jabs a thumb at herself. "Yours truly, obviously!"

"No way! Do you even have the authority to appoint yourself as a leader? If I recall correctly, you're just an exam proctor."

"It's still a helluva lot more authority than you got."

"So wait, if you're going to be the leader, who's going to be the third member of our team?"

"That would also be yours truly."

Kabuto's head pulses with anger. "Now wait just a minute, you can't do that! That's not fair!"

"Tough. I just did. And I've already got our first mission as Team Anko lined up after you're done settling in. I call it…Operation Break-up!"

…

Thursday finally arrives. Kimimaro gets up well before the other two, having observed Ms. Kichida's movements in secret close enough for the past three days to know when and how she starts her day. She is absurdly easy to track, going to the same places at the same times, even eating the same foods in the same order. While she does stop to chat idly with everyone throughout her day, only a few people seem to care to indulge her. These are also the same people: namely Anko Mitarashi and Shizune, and briefly on one occasion the Fifth Hokage herself, Tsunade.

He concludes from his surveillance that she's a woman of habits and routine. He's unsure if that will be compatible with the more chaotic nature of his master in the long run. Then again, it does make her easy to predict, and if she doesn't stray far from her routines then she is unlikely to go astray in other areas.

Operation Break-up, as the name implies, is Anko's way of getting her away from Lord Orochimaru. And, even better, drive him out of Konoha once and for all. When people become exes, they tend to hate each other so much that they can't even bear to stay in the same town as them.

Kabuto, while he hasn't said so outright because God forbid he explicitly agree with the enemy on anything, seems to support this mission, if only because he dislikes Ms. Kichida and thinks their master can do much better. Neither asks for his point of view on this, but Kimimaro sits on the proverbial fence. Hopefully he'll form a more solid opinion on her after this interview, and go from there.

Dawn has a little time yet to break when he raps on the door to Ms. Kichida's home and place of business, Kame's Produce Stand and Animal Clinic. He knows she is up.

"Coooo-min'!" he hears her sing from the other side. Her footsteps slap against the floor, but they are not fast. They are slow and steady. Much like herself.

She opens the door with that perpetual smile crinkling her full, round face. She's already dressed in her work clothes for today, although he does notice she has a yukata folded over her right forearm. Presumably the outfit she intends to wear for tonight's picnic date.

Ms. Kichida is a woman of simple tastes. It's unlikely she is after Lord Orochimaru's assets or intends to bleed him financially, but it wouldn't hurt to keep watching her. Kimimaro would know quite well how deceitful first impressions can be.

"Ah! Good mornin', neighbor! Well, this is a surprise. I don't usually get visitors first thing in the morning. Neat! How can I help you?"

She seems to have forgotten him. But, it's not like they exchanged names or he spoke any actual words to her. "Good morning, Ms. Kichida. I'm—"

"Nah, no need for formality. Please, call me Kame. Everybody does. That's what it says on my sign, don't you know." She points to the picket sign out front in her yard, the one with the hand-painted scrawl and crude rendition of a smiling turtle underneath.

Kimimaro softly clears his throat. Kabuto gave him his medication yesterday so he doesn't expect to start up another coughing fit. It wouldn't be conducive to meeting today's objective. "Yes, excuse me. Good morning, Kame. Call me Kimimaro. May I come in?"

"Absolutely! Come right on in. I was jus' about to make breakfast. Leave your shoes on that there mat, if you're able. At our house, we go barefoot. Give those toes some air." She steps aside to beckon him in. She appears to lack any concept of strangers, or the danger inherent to them. Then again, he could glean that much from the way she'd asked him to give Tayuya the apple juice she'd bought her.

She doesn't seem especially bright. That could be a problem. Lord Orochimaru prefers some intelligence. But there's got to be some reason he chose this person as a potential mate. Taking off his sandals and setting them on the straw mat next to the door, he sees her counter packed with foods in various states of preparation. Mostly vegetarian ingredients.

Then he notices how everything in the house, tidy if somewhat sparse as it is, has a hand-written label on it. No, really. Everything. Having lived at Lord Orochimaru's lab, he is accustomed to seeing labels on every jar and bottle. But not on the furniture or over doorways. Many of the labels are smudged, yellow with age and sport little dog-ears. Some of them have overlapping pieces of tape applied at the corners to keep them in place.

"That's quite a large breakfast you're making."

"What, all this? Oh no, it's all for my picnic tonight with my gentleman friend. Don't you fret, I was just about to pack 'em into the basket. Then I'm gonna start on breakfast." She ambles over to the kitchen (labelled as such) to do just that.

…

"Actually, that's the reason I've come to see you. Your date is Lord Orochimaru, correct?"

"Orochi? Yep-yep, it is. Why do you ask?" She blinks. "Huh? Lord Orochimaru? Are you sure we're talkin' about the same fellow?"

Kimimaro nods. "We are. I'm one of his students. He told me about you. That's why I came to visit."

Aina, nothing less than delighted to hear this, claps her hands. "Is that right? Awww! That's so sweet! Orochi did tell me he was a teacher. He must be a great-great one! He's got all these kids that love him enough to look out for him even when they're not in school. That's so sweet. Well, bless your heart!"

He can't speak for Rock Lee and his team, but what she's saying about Lord Orochimaru and himself isn't exactly wrong. A slight wave of warmth flushes through his cheeks despite himself. He has to turn his head so as to hide it until it passes. "Yes. He is. I owe…a lot to him." Kimimaro doesn't think she's trying to sweet-talk him, she doesn't seem like the type, but he would do well not to let down his guard.

"Ooh, I could jus' pinch your cheeks!"

Just like that, the heat goes out, his face pale and cold once more. "Please don't."

"Okey-dokey." Aina heads for the (labelled) sink to wash her hands instead. "Though I will say, he didn' say a word about bein'…what'd you say, a lord? I'm not sure what that is, but it sounds important. Is he royalty or something?"

"Of a sort."

"Ah. Aha, neat! He's an even busier fellow than he suggested. Not that I mind that a nit, 'cause I don't. I just never would've guessed it to look at him. He mus' prefer the simple life. I like that."

Something tells me that you could receive a visit from the Sage of Six Paths himself and you would still offer him cookies with no clue on his name or title.

"Come on now, don't be shy! You're allowed in here. My house is your house, too. When you're here, of course."

Kimimaro slowly crosses the threshold and enters the kitchen, only to stop to face Aina from the opposite side of the counter. "This picnic menu you've designed…I don't know if Lord Orochimaru will like it as it is."

She dries her hands on the dish rag hanging under the sink. "No? Oops! I plum forgot to ask him what foods he liked! D'oh! I did feel like I's forgettin' something but I didn' know what. Well then, how fortuitous it is that you came to visit this morning, my friend! Please, what foods does he like?"

She's considerate. That's a plus.

"He likes eggs. Anything with eggs as the main ingredient. Preferably hot dishes. He doesn't like anything cold."

(Sakon/Ukon and Kidōmaru found this out the hard way the time they'd made Lord Orochimaru soup when he'd had a cold but then forgot about it to beat the next level of one of Kidōmaru's video games and let the bowl get cold. What had meant to be 10 minutes had turned into almost two hours. Eggs are horrible when cold, no matter how you make them.)

"So egg salad and the like are out."

"Does he, now? Hmm…it's gonna be hard keeping the food warm all day while I'm working…I know! I'll get a carton of eggs on my way to work and I'll cook 'em at the fishing hole. So I guess it's gonna be a cook-out and a picnic, ahahaha! I don' usually keep eggs around since I don' eat 'em, but I do want to make Orochi happy. There ain't many better ways to do that than to feed a body their favorite food after a good long day of hard work."

Then she freezes. "Wait. He doesn' like meat too, does he? I—I don't know if I can cook meat. I never been terribly comfortable around it…"

She taps her pointer fingers, bowing her head to glance down at her hands.

Being part-snake, it goes without saying that Lord Orochimaru is mainly a carnivore. But since eggs are his top favorite, Kimimaro reasons that a compromise can be reached here, if only in this aspect.

"I don't think it will be a problem if you have no meat or poultry, as long as you have eggs. If you don't mind my asking, why are you uncomfortable with meat?"

Aina shrugs. "I don't quite like the prospect of eating a body I was having a nice conversation with about the weather just the day before."

Kimimaro tilts his head, curious as to what she means by that. Can she somehow speak to animals, like Jūgo? Or does she mean that figuratively?

Oh, Jūgo. What could he be up to now? He could talk to and manipulate animals, too. Except he'd had no qualms about eating them after the fact. Well, with the exception of chicken. He despised anything with poultry in it. Perhaps because Jūgo had been fondest of birds in general? Cows and fish, though? Fair game.

Last he'd heard, his old friend had joined up with Sasuke Uchiha. The person who was supposed to be his successor as Lord Orochimaru's next vessel…

Whatever he's doing now, and whether or not they'll ever see each other again, Kimimaro hopes he's all right. He hopes he's been able to control his rages a bit better without him. He hopes Sasuke has been good to him like he was supposed to be.

Putting his sadness aside, Kimimaro nods in understanding. "That makes sense. No, I think you'll be all right with just egg dishes. Lord Orochimaru would appreciate the effort, but he would want you to be comfortable, as well."

Aina's brown cheeks glow with a deep blush, but unlike Kimimaro she makes no attempt to hide it. Why should she? "Yep, I know. He's nice. That's why I like him."

"Indeed, he is. So long as you stay on his good side."

Aina cocks her head and raises a short, fat, caterpillar-like eyebrow. Hers aren't nearly as big or as bushy as Rock Lee's, however. Not by a long shot. "What's that? You mean to say he's got a bad side? Oh, I don't quite believe that. His sides all look the same to me: pretty darn good."

Kimimaro frowns. "I wouldn't take this so lightly, if I were you. It's a high honor to gain the favor of Lord Orochimaru, so you must do everything you're able to assure him you are worth his time."

"Aw hold on, I think I know what you're saying now," says Aina, clasping her hands together in front of her belly. "You admire and care very much for Orochi, so of course you wanna be sure I'm good to him. You like to know my intentions."

Her smile never loses its warmth. "Well don't you worry. My intentions are good, and I got no reason to think the feeling ain't mutual. While I am hoping this dating will eventually end with us being mates—that's the reason people date, don't you know—I still want us to have fun in the meantime."

"That all sounds well enough. I just hope you can back up those words with your actions. It's only fair that I warn you: if you make any sort of trouble for Lord Orochimaru…"

He pulls down the zipper to let the top of his shirt fall around his waist. In an instant, long, narrow, sharp bones erupt all along his arms and across his chest like quills, causing Aina to gasp and jump a little.

"…there will be consequences."

The woman doesn't answer for a beat, though, as it turns out, not exactly for the reasons Kimimaro would think. Her eyes dilate, her double-chinned jaw drops…

…and she starts clapping her hands.

"Wow, neat! Would you look at that! You're all pointy like a porcupine! Except porcupines technically don' shoot their quills out at ya. They always got their quills out. Not that it feels no different when you get poked by one, ahaha. But either way, that's marvelous! How'd you do that?"

Now it's his turn to hesitate. He'd summoned his bones to intimidate her, as he's done with countless opponents in the past. With the exception of Jūgo and Lord Orochimaru, this isn't the sort of reaction he's used to seeing. Not from a stranger.

This woman doesn't rattle easily, does she?

"You're not frightened of me?"

"Me, frightened? Nah. Why would I be? You're a nice boy who just happens to have retractable quills. Golly, would you look at those quills? I didn't think people could have those. Can I touch 'em?"

"I'd prefer that you don't. They're not quills. They're my bones."

She covers her mouth with her hand and gasps. "What, really? Like bones from your actual skeleton? But bones ain't supposed to do that! They're s'posed to stay inside your body! Come on, we gotta get you to the hospital!"

"No, no, it's fine. This is something I can do naturally and at will. See, I'm putting them away now." Since it's clearly not working as it was intended in this situation, he concentrates to restore his calcium to its normal place inside him. Afterwards, he feels faint in the head. He had neglected to eat before sneaking out of Mitarashi's apartment, and manipulating your calcium for battle purposes demands energy. Even when you're technically undead.

Or perhaps it's just force of habit?

Aina in the meantime quickly ebbs back to her default calm, soft-hearted (and soft-headed) demeanor. "Oh, now look at that. In they go. Well…if you say it's fine, then it must be fine. I don't suppose it's much different from those double-jointed folks who can stick their legs behind their head."

Not quite the same thing, but whatever helps you understand strange phenomena.

"Say, are you okay? You look tired."

He zips up his shirt. "It's…nothing. I just need to stop wielding my Shikotsumyaku when it's unnecessary," he mutters.

"Oh dear, are you hungry? Does your tummy hurt? That's no good. Hold on, let me finish packing the basket and I'll get started on breakfast. Or, if you're really, really hungry, go on an' help yourself to whatever's in the fridge."

"Are you sure?"

"Sure as sunshine, my bony friend! Ahahaha! Get it? Because you can poke your bones outside your body."

She sounds so cheesy about her hospitality that Kimimaro finds himself doubting her word less and less. No one who wanted to lure you into a trap would try this hard to sell it to point of fumbling over themselves. So she must mean what she says.

He's still wondering why exactly Lord Orochimaru picked this woman for his date. But so far he can't find anything significant to dislike about her, either. Apart from perhaps the fact that she smells rather strong.

Then he remembers her lack of fear upon seeing him armed, and how much the majority of the Leaf still distrust and loathe his master. Including most of the village women. Anko has certainly made no attempt to hide her contempt for him.

Oh.

So that's why.

Poor Lord Orochimaru…if only everyone could see his greatness for what it is like he does…

He bows in gratitude and for the sake of being polite. "Thank you. And please, pardon me for before…"

She flaps her fingers at him and begins pondering what to place where in the basket. "Aw shucks, there ain't nothing that needs pardoning. You do you. By the way, does Orochi like fungus tea?"

"You would be better off with green tea. Preferably hot, fresh from the pot."

"Yep-yep, that makes sense. It is gettin' chillier an' chillier."

When she has her back turned, Kimimaro takes this time to slip quietly past her to access the fridge. Mostly bunches of assorted vegetables bound with string presumably from her garden out back, an open can of plums, a carton of homemade plain yogurt, another carton of almond butter, a bottle of soy milk…

For such a large woman, she doesn't actually eat much, does she?

His stomach cramps with hunger of an intensity, real or phantom, rivaling Jirōbō's or Chōji's. Not that one would know this to look at him.

She did say I could help myself…

(In truth, he had been the one to drink Tayuya's apple juice. It was calcium-fortified, and he had really been craving that mineral. Perhaps doing so, and then leaving the empty bottle behind, was in bad taste, but it is Tayuya, and besides she or anyone else need not know his secret now.)

Adrift in her own world, Aina doesn't notice anything until she finally closes the lid over the basket and dusts her hands, after twenty minutes of arranging and rearranging the food in appropriate stacks. "There! All set for a perfect date! Now, to make breakfast…oh! That's strange. The fridge was full when I last looked in it. Now everything's gone. Except the strings and the can and the bottle."

Kimimaro stealthily wipes his mouth and bows at the waist. "Forgive me. I'm not sure what came over me…"

Aina taps her cheek, her face lightly scrunched with rare concern. "Holy frogs, you sure were hungry, weren't you? You got enough to eat at home?"

"Oh no, I'm fed well enough at home. I just have a somewhat larger appetite than most of my…family and friends. I don't want to burden them."

Lately Lord Orochimaru and Kabuto have been arguing more than they normally do. He can't deny that it's made him a little uncomfortable, but he's unsure what to do about it except stay out of the way. And if Anko's unapologetic dismissal of his health is any indication, he and Kabuto will be more or less on their own when it comes to meals.

"Is that right? You poor dear boy. I'll tell you what: come on by me whenever you get hungry. I'll be sure to stock my kitchen with everything you like. Say, you could even join me for lunch when I'm at the school! Wouldn' that be nice?"

…

"Are you sure? That's quite a burden to take on, especially for someone you've just met…"

"No matter! A friend of Orochi's is a friend of mine too. I wanna help him take care of his kids in any way I'm able. And even if that weren't true, we are neighbors, an' neighbors look after each other."

Now he has no idea what to say. There's no need to resort to threats or physical violence when you can just ask someone nicely for what you want. Not that he's ever taken pleasure in using violence but this approach…it's not what he's used to.

Then again, this isn't so different from the time he met Lord Orochimaru in the mist.

It's still too soon to determine whether she's a good match for Lord Orochimaru, though he must admit he feels notably calmer than he did coming here. Why is that? Is it because he's just eaten, or is it something else?

Kimimaro figures he won't get to see Lord Orochimaru much otherwise despite their move into the same village, and any excuse to distance himself from Kabuto and Mitarashi's squabbling is a good one. Besides, she seems so insistent on the arrangement. Something tells him that she won't take no for an answer.

So he settles for a more neutral response: "I do appreciate the offer. I'll consider it."

Aina claps her hands. "Yippee! Come on then, let's go sit out on the front porch! Hopefully we ain't missed the sunrise. Two things you never ever wanna start your day without: breakfast, and the sunrise. I'll just warm up some miso soup and crack open another can of plums. You can have some too, if you're still hungry."

"No, thank you. I'm comfortably satiated." He's taken enough from her, for now. "Though if I could make a small suggestion, you should keep more foods around with calcium. And vitamin D, for that matter."

She beams at him, a spring in her step as she heads for the pantry in the corner of the room (labelled as such). "Sure, sure as sunshine. Calcium is important, which means it must be super-duper important for somebody like you."

…

"As an aside, you're a good farmer. I could taste it in the vegetables, which I'm assuming you grew yourself."

"Why thank you, friend! Yep, I sure did. They taste good because they were grown with love. An' soil an' water an' fresh air an' sunshine, of course. Yep-yep-yep."

…

Anko sidles along the adjacent row and peers around the corner, watching Aina slide her belongings in her locker: first the basket, then her yukata and Orochimaru's new sweater, neatly folded up and tucked on either side. The latter has been whistling to herself all morning. That's normal for Kichida—you can assess the degree of her good mood by the sounds she makes: humming when she's happy, whistling when she's very happy—but it's the tune that makes Anko's insides writhe with apprehension.

It's "Love Song™" by OKAMOTO'S™, which incidentally is the second opening song for the Ninja Pals™ anime.

(Don't ask how Anko knows a bubblegum pop song like this one. She has a reputation to maintain, after all.)

Anko can't wipe the scowl off her face as Aina slowly dances her clumsy and oafish way out of the room to see Shizune for a list of today's chores. If one could measure her joy on a meter, it would rise all the way to the top and burst it in a shower of shoujo sparkles, hearts, red rose petals and bubbles.

Look at her. She's on freaking Cloud 9. Oh Kame, if only you knew you were playing around the burrow of a very mean and dangerous snake. But don't worry, I'll save you before you get the chance to find that out. I have to.

'Cause the only way you could find out is by getting bit. I speak from experience…

"Helmet-head, is the coast clear on your end?" she whispers over her shoulder.

Kabuto, keeping watch on the opposite end, grumbles, "Yes. All clear. What exactly are you planning? You neglected to debrief us on today's course of action. I like to go into missions with some idea of what I'm doing, thank you very much."

"Keep your pants on, I'll show you as soon as you shut up. Spinal Cracker, all clear on your end?"

"All clear," declares Kimimaro flatly from nearby the exit.

"Right. Move out!"

The reluctant trio dash for the locker in question and Anko uses her mad skills to infiltrate it. That is, she orders Kimimaro: "Push out a skeleton key from your finger to pick the lock."

Somewhere out of sight, Yamato sits dutifully at a drum set. Ba-dum. Tssh!

Kimimaro glowers at the request, and the pun, but he silently obeys. Lord Orochimaru still reigns over him, but right now she is his team leader, if temporarily. This task takes much less out of him compared to some of his other moves, and that's without taking his breakfast at Ms. Kichida's into account. The lock clicks in release, and he barely gets time to pull out his finger when Anko shoves him aside to help herself to the contents within.

"One surefire way to break up a relationship before it can become one is to have the worst first date ever. If we can sabotage this picnic thoroughly enough, Orochimaru will have no choice but to leave Konoha and you yahoos can go back to Oto and we'll never have to see each other again unless it's on the battlefield where I can kill you without regret. Everyone wins!"

"What about Ms. Kichida?" Kimimaro asks, retracting the key-shaped bone. "Not that I agree with your personal views on him, but if you're truly that concerned for her safety, why don't you just tell her up front about Lord Orochimaru?"

"First of all, don't call him 'Lord.' Here he's another ninja like the rest of us, and he doesn't deserve it. Second, I can't. Guy and his team made me promise I wouldn't, for the sake of 'giving Orochi a chance to prove himself.' Besides, Aina's too stupid. She'd never believe me. She only sees good in people, even when it's not there. It'd be like arguing with a wall. Trust me, this way is easier."

Kimimaro's thin white eyebrows knit together. "I think you're confusing stupidity with ignorance. It's a person's own responsibility to work to free themselves from ignorance, but it's harder to do that when knowledge is intentionally withheld from them by others."

Neither of his teammates heed his words. Instead, Anko rips open the basket and inspects all items inside. She places each stack on the bench beside them in order to remind herself how to put them back when she's finished. Can't have anyone suspecting the goods have been tampered with, now can she?

She whips out a bottle from her trench coat that looks suspicious enough to arouse Kabuto. For one thing, it's got a skull and crossbones engulfed in flames on the label.

"Wait, is that poison? Is your plan to assassinate Lord Orochimaru? We may be on your team but you know we can't stand for that!" he snaps. "Plus if you kill him, you'll end up breaking the terms of our truce and signing the death warrant for this miserable village."

Anko shakes her head. "Cool your tits, that's not what I'm doing. Though you know I'd love to, except the bastard's too tough and slippery to go down with a little poison. No, what I've got instead is hot sauce. You know, to spice things up. We're just gonna add a splash of it to all the jars and cartons with his name on it. Count on Aina to set things up so conveniently for us, heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…"

"Has anyone ever told you how evil your laugh sounds?" says Kabuto. "That kind of laughter is reserved for villains, and maybe anti-heroes. Are you sure you aren't a villain?"

"You would know what an evil laugh sounds like, wouldn't you?" she retorts, flipping the bottle upside-down and spanking the bottom to release a splash of hot sauce into Orochimaru's miso soup.

"That doesn't properly address my question…"

"I don't have to address it. You don't know me. Next, we'll give him the jitters…by lacing his sweater with some itching powder!" She closes the bottle and replaces it with a box of the concoction in question.

"Originally I was gonna go with the strong stuff with velvet bean in it. But Lady Tsunade's apparently put a ban on it after some idiot got it in her dry-cleaning last week. And when I tried to go outside the village to buy some, it was too expensive. Man, I don't get paid enough for this job!"

"Said everyone who's ever had a paying job in the history of civilization," mumbles Kabuto with folded arms.

She slips on a latex glove and makes a suggestive curl of her index finger just to make Kabuto squirm a little as she snaps the glove in place along her wrist. The kind of finger-curl one may expect to see at the doctor's moments before a prostate exam. "So I had to settle for the kind with rose hips. It's probably for the best: as much as I hate Orochimaru, I don't want Aina to catch too much collateral damage."

As it turns out, the "sweater" she'd made for Orochimaru is more like a sweater-vest: a human-sized purple wool sleeve with arm-holes cut into it. There are two more smaller sleeves, presumably for his arms themselves.

She'd never learned to craft a full sweater in the traditional sense, having learned only to knit blankets, scarves, and sleeves. But that's no problem. Once again, Aina has made Anko's job easier to sprinkle powder along the hems, the head-hole and arm-holes.

"Finally, we'll make sure the date ends with a bang…of paper bombs, that is!"

"NO!" Kabuto hooks a hand around the crook of her arm. "I'm sorry but I'm not going to stand by and let you blow him up either!"

Sneering, Anko yanks away from him. "Let me finish, won'cha? Explosions are fun but he's too tough for those, either."

Kabuto and Kimimaro both relax. "Er, yes, that is true."

Anko quickly replaces the itching powder with a small box of what look like ordinary chicken eggs, but actually—

"These are stink bombs. They've got paper bombs inside them that, when you crack the shell open like you would a normal egg, explode into the smelliest most devastating farts you've ever encountered in an elevator or elsewhere. They even make the actual sound effect when they do for that extra kick in the head. Not much ruins a date more than a bad case of gas. Genius, right?"

"Oh yes. Very high-brow," says Kabuto with a roll of his eyes. Paper bombs, he is well-acquainted with. But this is the first time he's ever heard of paper stink bombs. Then again, what isn't possible in this topsy-turvy universe of theirs? "I can see why Lord Orochimaru took you under his wing."

"Ha! Damn straight." Anko pops open the egg carton and plucks out six of the dozen to smuggle bombs in their place.

"Hold on, why are you only switching half the carton with bombs? Why not replace them all?" Kabuto asks.

The tiniest bead of sweat condenses on Anko's temple. "Didn't you hear me? The purpose of this mission is to drive Orochimaru away, not totally pulverize Aina in the process. Six is good enough. Look, I'm mixing them up. Now you'd really have a hard time telling the eggs from the bombs."

Kabuto cracks a derisive smirk at her thinly disguised weakness. "You should know better than most that you have to go all out to deal with the likes of Lord Orochimaru. Not that that's a guarantee even your total effort will work, but holding back certainly won't help your goal, either."

He rubs his knuckles against the fabric of his suit. "But what do I know? I'm just the medic, and Lord Orochimaru's right hand."

Kimimaro in the meantime tunes them both out. I wonder if I should intervene? I don't want to see Lord Orochimaru be pranked…but at the same time, this could be an opportunity to see how Ms. Kichida reacts to plans going awry. Lord Orochimaru wouldn't want someone who caves under pressure or adversity.

Anyone can appear wholesome under easy circumstances. The only way to find out her true character is to put her in a situation that would provoke the worst in people.

Do not disappoint me, Ms. Kichida.

…

"N-no way! Orochimaru, on a date? Oh my God, you've got to be messing with me again! I'm sorry but, who the hell would wanna go out with someone like him?"

"Excuse me, I'm standing right here!" the man in question snaps. In Oto, he is a god. Here in Konoha, he is, at best, a cockroach.

Tenten shakes her head, her dread for this day unwavering ever since her ears first heard the news. "I wish. But no, it's not a joke, Ino. He is going on a date tonight. That's why we came to see you. You're an expert at flowers and making a good first impression."

Flattered, Ino grins and tosses her blond bangs. "You bet! You've come to the right girl if flowers are what you're looking for," she affirms, her laughter subsiding before she busts her gut. "As you know, different flowers convey different messages, and a bouquet of flowers on the first date can make or break the deal. First, the most important detail: who's the lucky lady?" she snickers. "It helps to know the person you intend to give the flowers to."

"Kame!" pipes up Lee.

"Ms. Kichida," Neji stiffly adds for clarification.

Ino's smile falls a little at the mention of that name. "Huh? Kame? The produce lady? Oh. Oh geez…yeah, I know her, all right. She likes to hang out by the shop to smell and draw our flowers, and I get my cherry tomatoes from her."

Orochimaru cocks his head, his arms akimbo. "I don't like your tone. What's with that?"

"Well, not gonna lie, I am a little concerned. Kame's weird but she's nice—sometimes I wonder what other plants she's interested in besides flowers and crops, but that's none of my business. And you…well, you're you," she says with a shrug. "Now that I think about it, it's not that surprising she'd like you. But that's only because she likes basically everyone, and reptiles. Don't ask me why on earth anyone besides you would like those gross slimy things, but she does. That's what worries me."

Snakes aren't slimy, he shouts in his mind, his fingers fidgeting with a barely restrained impulse to lash said snakes out at her from his sleeves. Then she'd know firsthand how slimy snakes aren't.

She folds her own arms across the countertop and narrows her bright blue eyes at him. "I gotta know: do you like her back, or is there some other reason you're going out with her?"

He has to narrow his own eyes to hide the twitch coming on in them. "What kind of question is that to ask a paying customer? But if you're burning to know that badly, yes, of course! Why would I waste my time on someone I couldn't even tolerate?"

"Whether you tolerate her isn't the question. I asked if you liked her." Neji, Lee and Tenten join in on staring at him, pressuring him to choose his next words carefully.

Damn it. I can't afford to get complacent while I'm here, not until I've paid my dues long enough and made them trust me. Come on, O-man, you can do it. Lie. You're good at lying if nothing else.

He bursts into his own fit of chuckling that sounds eviler than he means it to. The unfortunate truth is, his laugh has always sounded cackling and evil, even before he got the idea to be evil in the first place. It was one of those things—between it and his creepy reptilian looks—that got him voted "Most Likely to Become a Supervillain and Traitor to the Leaf" back in school.

Not that that was the thing that made him pursue the path he did, but Jiraiya's probably still kicking himself years later for putting that joke together. Orochimaru hopes so.

"Why-yyyyyy-yes, I find Kame delightful! Of course we've only just started seeing each other so it's too soon to say if I love her or anything like that. But to answer your question, yes, yes, I believe I like her."

Ino doesn't appear that much more convinced, but she does slacken her posture into one more suitable for business. "All right, then. I was gonna suggest you go with red roses or something, but you'll score more points with your lady friend by giving her flowers she personally likes. I doubt you had the mind to ask her what those are, but luckily for you I know. Azaleas, hibiscuses, daffodils and forget-me-nots," she explains, listing the four off her fingers.

"Oh yeah, there's also lotuses, but…I wouldn't recommend those."

"Why is that?" he asks.

Ino shrugs again, this time looking more bemused than suspicious. "I don't know. Kame just gets really weird around lotuses, for some reason. She stares at them and strokes them and smells them and flat-out ignores everything around her. No, really! One time when the sink sprung a leak and we asked her to come over and patch it up, she stopped in front of a lotus and didn't move or speak to anyone. Not even when the store got flooded up to our ankles.

"When I asked what her problem was afterwards, all she had to say was, 'Can I take that one home with me? It was meant for me.' Then she disappeared for a couple of days and when she came back she was back to her old dopey self like nothing happened. I don't know what about them gets her like that. I've never had the nerve to pry for details, though."

Ino sighs. "Okay, exposition over. My point: don't give her lotuses, unless you really wanna see her at her weirdest."

Oh dear. Orochimaru had picked up from the start that Aina was off. After hearing this, he's unsure whether to be wary or not. But, it's not like he doesn't specialize in lunatics, misfits and undesirables already. The Sound Village is only chock-full of the sort. Whatever this "Kame" has in store, he reckons he can more than handle it.

"Hn. Note taken. In that case, I'll take a bouquet of…whatever other flowers you said she liked."

Ino shoots him a dirty look. "So considerate. Fine, I'll make up your bouquet. But I mean it, Orochimaru: if you break her heart, I'll use my Mind-Body Switch Jutsu to put your brain into a cockroach. Then I'll squash out your icky cockroach guts and scrape them off my heels all over the curb. I could care less what happens to you after that, but I think maybe Akamaru would come lick up the remains."

What a vibrant threat. He'd love to see her try. But he finds the self-restraint not to challenge her and nods. "Yes, yes, get in line. I promise I'll be good to her. With all the surveillance I'm under, there's no way I could be bad even if I wanted to."

Neji takes his turn to glare at him. "And just what is that supposed to mean? You should know that you're not helping your case by making statements like that."

He only gets enough time to pull out his wallet when Lee spontaneously bursts into tears of joy. Tears streaming down his face, he points at Orochimaru and announces to everyone in the shop: "Look, everyone! Orochi is using the money he earned from his first honest paycheck in decades to buy flowers for his ladylove! He is in the springtime of youth!"

"Lee, cut it out! You're scaring everyone!" snaps Tenten, which only helps to scare the other customers that much further into the corners.

For the cherry on top, Might Guy rolls in from out of nowhere and kicks down the door, his own face drenched with tears. "Waaaah! So my eyes do not deceive me! Orochi is buying flowers for his date! No way I'm going to miss this important milestone! We're so happy for you!"

That's how Orochimaru ends up sandwiched between two crying taijutsu nuts in green leotards while Ino rings him up for both the flowers and the damage to the door, reasoning that if Orochimaru hadn't been so bad all his life that just buying flowers for someone would be a momentous occasion, Guy wouldn't have felt the necessity to bust it down.

She also does it to spite him. Why not? It's the least he deserves.

…

"Wait, hold on, you've got something on your cheek." Guy licks his thumb and vigorously rubs it into Orochimaru's hollow cheek, a gesture which makes him draw back in disgust.

"Gah, what are you doing? You're not my mother!" he hisses.

"Ha, sorry! Just want you to look good for your date, that's all."

Lee raises his hand like the group is in class. "Guy-sensei, I just had an idea. Kame is a woman of rustic sensibilities. Instead of being repelled by a blotch of dirt on Orochi's face, maybe she would find it attractive?"

Guy snaps his fingers. "Right! That's a good point! We want her to find him attractive, after all." With that, he bends down to wipe a smear of dirt off the ground with each thumb and apply it to Orochimaru's face like it's war paint.

"H-HEY! Cut it out! It's my face, last I checked!" He furiously rubs his cheeks clean with his sleeve.

"Good idea, Orochi! We should get some dirt on your clothes, too!"

"Stop getting ideas! You're not getting dirt on any part of me!"

Neji holds a hand over her brow and announces: "Look alive, Orochimaru. Ms. Kichida at 3:00."

"No, Neji! The time now is 5:30, like we all agreed on."

"I mean she's coming this way, you dolt!" There's no time for Neji to explain directions based on the hands of a clock.

Lee is practically doing a jig, his hands clapped over his head. "Oh! Oh-oh, she is coming! We will leave you to it, then. Break a leg, Orochi!" He and Guy each flash him a thumbs-up. "Your second battle starts now!"

"Ignore what Lee just said about it being a battle, and don't try anything funny," warns Tenten. "We're giving you space but not that much space."

"Most of all, have fun, you crazy kids!" exclaims Guy.

Team Guy jumps over the fence in unison, leaving Orochimaru (ostensibly) alone by the tree to greet the woman strolling up to him.

"Oi, howdy-do, Orochi!" she cheers, coming to a stop in front of him. She's in the same yukata she'd worn at the party. A fat picnic basket sways on her right arm, and pressed between her breast and left arm is what he presumes to be his new sweater. This time, her feet are bare but her bushy hair is pushed back by a green headband with red lotuses printed on it.

His tongue, which had been wiggling spitefully behind Team Guy, quickly darts back into his mouth. He quirks an eyebrow. "How do…I do?"

She's still sporting that body odor. Not even a first date could make her do something about it. Or perhaps, like everything else, she's oblivious to it?

"Nah, I actually just said 'howdy-do.' As in 'hello there' or 'howdy'. Aha, but yes, I would like to know how you are doing, too. Ahahaha, say, we just made a pun, didn' we? I should say 'howdy-do' more often!" She throws back her head and trembles with booming laughter.

"'Howdy-do?'" Kabuto whispers, succinctly demonstrating his opinion on the phrase with a gagging noise, finger jabbed towards his open mouth, which in turn earns him a jab in the ribs from Anko. Little does anyone know, Team Guy is not the only group tasked with supervising this date. From beyond the fence on the parallel side, Team Anko spies on the couple through a peephole in one of the boards.

"Oh, er, so we did, ha-ha…hahhh…"

He summons the strength within to endure this awkwardness and get through this date with his sanity (or what's left of it) intact and turns on the charm. "I'm doing well, thank you. I couldn't tell you how much I've been looking forward to tonight. Here, these are for you."

Aina's eyes reflect stars. "Ooh! For me? Wow, thank you!" She graciously accepts the bouquet and practically buries her face in it as she gives it a series of long, slow enthralled sniffs. "Holy frogs, these are all my favorites! Azaleas, daffodils, forget-me-nots, hibiscuses—how did you know? I can't remember if we talked about flowers last time."

Trying to maintain that air of mystery that women find so enticing, he tilts his head at just the right angle and slides a sly smile her way. "I have my means. Let's just say…a little bird told me."

Cliché? Yes, without a doubt, but he figures such a line would work on someone like Aina.

Aina perks up at this tidbit and grins, pleased to hear this but not quite for the reasons he would think. "Ah, so you talk to the birds too? Neat! I don' get many chances to chat with them because they're usually high up in the trees or the sky, but my goodness, do they have some interesting things to say when you listen to them! Actually, it makes sense that you could talk to birds, since birds are kinda related to reptiles. They both evolved from dinosaurs, don't you know."

Kabuto starts clunking his forehead against the fence.

Suddenly, she takes another look at the flowers and starts to giggle. "What's so funny?" Orochimaru asks.

"Heehee, I just had a thought. Now, I'm new to this dating business—"

Are you? That's not surprising at all.

"—but I do know a thing or two about growing plants. For some reason, one thing people do on dates is give each other flowers, like these ones. Except—heeheeheeheehee—flowers are pretty and fragrant to attract bees and butterflies so they can get pollinated and make more plants.

"So when dates offer each other flowers—ahahaha—does that mean they're asking each other for sex? Because flowers are kinda like the genitals of a plant, except they can't touch each other directly like ours can. 'Cause they're rooted to the ground and all."

His hair stands up a little. Whoa. He wasn't expecting that. He hears Tenten fall over, utterly scandalized by this comment but unable to share her outrage for the sake of staying undercover. Neji and Lee have their hands cupped over her mouth, but that doesn't mean their faces aren't also alight with shock.

"In one fell swoop, our outlook on flowers and hanakotoba has been radically altered," says Guy solemnly, himself a total stranger to shame. "Wait 'til I tell Kakashi of this profound insight!"

"No, don't go ruining flowers for the rest of the world! You could drive Ino and her family out of business if you do that!" snaps Tenten hoarsely. This time she just has to pry off the boys' hands from her face.

Anko has to stop to stifle a fit of laughter before it erupts. Kabuto's shoulders slacken as he mutters something along the lines of, "How indecent. I knew she was trashy." Kimimaro blinks a time or two but otherwise does not outwardly react.

Aina for her part appears unbothered by any of this, whether it's true or false. But Orochimaru can't just stand there and not respond. She's not thinking about jumping his bones now, is she? Just because he gave her some flowers? He swallows. As much as he's pushing to get married, he was hoping he wouldn't have to cross that bridge, at least not this soon.

"Well, that—that's a fascinating way to look at it, I'll grant you," he finally says with a semi-forced chuckle (only to realize, once again, how evil he still sounds). "I admit, sometimes I wonder where that custom came from myself. But I-I assure you, that wasn't on my mind at all when I got those. I just thought you would like them, that's all. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

Aina makes a tiny "O" with her mouth, her eyes glazing over in confusion. "I thought we were talkin' about flowers?" He can't help but note her lack of a negative reaction to his laugh.

"It's just an expression. It means some things really are just what they seem. No need to overanalyze them, like what you just did."

Says the man who used to be one of the world's greatest shinobi and most wanted criminals and is now being watched by two separate ninja teams as he tries to woo his way into Konoha for the purposes of destroying it.

Wait, used to be? No-no-no! He's still relevant, damn it!

Aina nods in understanding and resumes her smiling, holding the bouquet to her almost like she's cuddling it as she softly sways to and fro. "I don' much like cigars but I do like that notion. That I do. Thank you for telling me. Even if you did wanna have sexual intercourse with me, I woulda had to say 'nope, no thank you'. But I do love the flowers all the same. Flowers are a nice gift to give anybody no matter how they're related to you. Plus, these particular ones are my favoritest. Oops! Speaking of gifts, I got that sweater done jus' like I said I would."

"How can you say something so ludicrous and then act like you never even said it? Good Lord, she's almost as bad as Sai," moans Neji. "How fortunate am I not to be in Orochimaru's shoes."

Orochimaru's eyes flash with bitterness. "At least I can get a date, Hyūga," he mutters under his breath. "Meanwhile you're stuck with pining for your own cousin…"

"Huh? You say something?"

"Ah, no. Now let's see that sweater, shall we?" he requests, rubbing his palms together.

"Okey-doke!" She sets the basket on the ground and the bouquet on top of it, then unfolds her gift to him with a deliberate tenderness unique to her.

Well, it is purple, as she'd promised. But it's not a sweater. More like a sweater vest. Or more accurately, a giant sleeve with holes at the sides for his arms. Also, it looks somewhat baggy to him.

"Truth is, I only ever learned to knit three things: blankets, scarves, and sleeves," she explains. "But to a snake, a sleeve would be a sweater, since they got no arms. Now don't you fret; I made sleeves for your arms too, so it's still technically a people-sweater. Just not with the sleeves attached, ahahaha! Go on, try it on," she coaxes, waving her hands towards him upon handing the articles over. She looks so eager to see how the attire fits him it's almost unbearable.

He cracks a grin that even he can't tell whether or not is fake. It's supposed to be the thought that counts, but…

"Uh, it's a lovely shade of purple." Of course it's wool and not silk, as he would have preferred. But could he have realistically expected more from a hick like Aina? At least it's natural. "It looks rather…big, for me."

She shrugs. "I always make Masa's sweaters a little bigger than she is so she can easily wiggle out of them when she gets too warm. I hope it's okay that I did the same with yours."

"Yeah, come on, old man, put it on," whispers Anko to herself, her fists clenched out in front of her in anticipation as she hogs the peephole. "Unless you want to put her off…"

"You know, come to think of it, asking for someone's measurements for the sake of making them a sweater is a very clever way to get closer to them," says Lee. "I must remember to try that with Sakura!"

Tenten springs up on her feet to whack him over the head with a paper fan. "You're lucky Sakura's not here to hear you say that!"

A cut scene later Orochimaru finds himself standing inside the "sweater" with the sleeves rolled up his arms. "He looks like a jackass," Kabuto snickers, echoing the former's very sentiment on the matter. Also, is it just him or is the nape of his neck starting to itch?

"He looks a bit like Sasuke before he left Konoha," says Kimimaro.

"Exactly. A jackass."

"You would know what one of those look like, wouldn't you, Helmet-head? You dress like one every day."

"Aw, it looks marvelous on you! I knew it would," gushes Aina, clapping her hands. "Are you warm enough?"

By this point Orochimaru is furiously clawing at his neck and the back of his head, that is when he's not switching hands to scratch at the opposite wrist. But rather than alleviate the burning and tingling that plagues his normally glorious skin, his fingers just seem to make it worse. Marble white (or paste white, depending on who you ask) rapidly degenerates to fiery red under his nails.

"It's…a little…itchy," he spits out, trying to keep his rage in check even as he twitches all over with agony like there are bugs crawling under his inflamed skin. "What did you make this thing from?"

Aina's smile falls at the sight of her date's discomfort. "Wool. Why? Oh dear, are you allergic to wool?"

"Not…that I…was aware of," he chokes out, doing the twist. "Aaauugh, what brand did you use?"

"Hm, store-brand. Hold on, let's get you to Shizune. She's a nurse. She'll know what to do. Please try not to scratch yourself anymore, Orochi. I don' want you to hurt yourself." She tucks the bouquet into the picnic basket, scoops it up onto her elbow and then scoops up Orochimaru like he's a sick infant.

"I wouldn't be scratching myself if I wasn't so itchy!"

She freezes and drops him back on the ground with a clunk. "Sssssh. Please don't shout. It hurts my ears." Right. He's forgotten he can't yell at her. It's not so much their words that bother her when people yell, but their volume. And Team Guy are still watching him. This is going to take some getting used to.

"Sorry," he hisses through clenched teeth, and proceeds to chew on his arm to shut himself up, and to keep battling the itch.

"Phew. It's okay. Hold on, Orochi. Hopefully she's still at the school and ain't gone home yet." Aina picks him back up and begins toddling up the street.

Out of their earshot, Kabuto stomps his foot. "Wait a minute! She doesn't need to take Lord Orochimaru to that hack! I'm his medic!"

"Correction: you're our medic now," taunts Anko. He's so riled up with jealousy he's literally steaming like a dumpling. Nothing more satisfying than landing the first big blow on your enemy. Except when it's two enemies you've hit simultaneously. "Besides, you can't help him when we're supposed to be undercover. Quick, let's move out before we lose 'em!"

"They're on the move," says Guy. "Come on, gang!"

"Right!"

…

Shizune, to say the least, hadn't expected Orochimaru to still be here in town after last week's party. On a typical day, he barges in to make trouble for everyone for an hour, more or less, before blasting off back to one of his many secret (and not so secret) hideouts to lick his wounds and start over.

She certainly wasn't expecting to see Aina carrying him into the infirmary. She had seen the two bump into each other at the party but she had figured nothing would come of it.

Whatever he's planning, he must be desperate. This isn't his style. Still, she cannot refuse a plea for help, especially not from Aina.

She keeps her distance and frowns at him. "Orochimaru, if you could just calm down and stop scratching yourself for one second, I could take a look at what the problem is."

By now the entirety of his face and arms are swollen and inflamed with jagged nail marks, but the air around him continues to crackle and tear. "And just how do you expect me to do that?" he demands, his eyes shiny and maybe a little bit watery with anger and agony. He rubs his back against the wall behind him with the vigor of a snake shedding its old skin.

Aina looks up from her feet and claps. "Calm…wait! I know how to calm 'im down. Gosh, why didn't I think of it earlier? Ahaha, I'm so silly!" She leaves the basket at Shizune's feet and climbs up on the table to sit next to Orochimaru. "Here, Orochi, smell my armpits."

Both he and Shizune grimace at this…random request. His head pounds. Oh, how he longs to roar his fury to the heavens! And he thought the speed dating party had been a metaphorical trip to the dentist. "What did you just say? You want me to smell your what?"

Outside the window, Kabuto lurches over and retches. Kimimaro finds himself leaning in to see how this plays out. Anko also has to hunch over, except to control her laughter. Oh, that Kame. She's just so cute when she's stupid. Which is pretty much 24/7.

Team Guy are watching from a window on the opposite side. Neji and Tenten both turn pale with horror. Guy and Lee prick up their ears.

"Smell my armpits. Don't worry, it won't take more than a shake. Just watch, and be sure to take slow, deep breaths." Scooting around to face him, Aina stretches her arms out at her sides before clasping her hands together with her pointer fingers curled into a heart-shape and her thumbs crossed over one another.

She taps her pointer fingers together 5 times. Like she usually does. Then she undoes her hands to hold them flat just under her chest and shows Orochimaru the proper breathing technique: in through the nose, out through the mouth. Her dusky lips make that "O" shape again and blows slowly as though she were extinguishing a candle.

"See?" she says with her warmest, most serene smile. "Don't that feel better?"

"Are you kidding me? How is that supposed to—"

…

Wait.

…

Oh.

That does feel better, actually.

Orochimaru realizes right then that he's ceased his scratching. He can't pinpoint when or why he'd stopped. Was it the odd display just next to him? The horrified anticipation of possibly having his face abused once again by having it squished against a smelly, hairy armpit (which, to his ineffable relief, doesn't happen)? It can't be her smell. She smells the same as before.

"Ahhhh, see? It worked! Jus' like it always has. Me and Mama-n-Papa would do this whenever one of us was upset about something or other. And then we'd all feel better."

Whatever it is, that blasted itch has melted away like ice cubes on a summer day. Yes, now his beautiful skin is a flaming puffy self-inflicted mess, but at least the itch is gone.

Shizune and Tonton exchange looks but can find nothing to say about this sight before them. That's the sort of person Kame is. Too weird for words. The former decides to resume the check-up. "Uh…okay. So, when did you start feeling itchy?"

"Wh-when I put on the…sweater…Kame made me."

"When you put on the sweater. Do you mind if I ask you to take it off so we can have a look at it?"

"No, please. Get this stup…endous thing off me." He hastily changes his word choice at the last second when he notices Shizune glaring at him, and feels Neji and Tenten's eyes on them from behind. "No offense, Kame."

Her hair bobs about her head as she shakes it. "None taken."

With gloves on, Shizune helps Orochimaru peel off the vest and sleeves. After an initial visual inspection, she kneels down and asks Tonton to sniff the fabric.

"Oink!"

"Huh? Rose hips?"

"Oink-oink!"

Shizune nods. "Ah. That would explain it." She rises up and faces the two again. "Our diagnosis: a practical joke. Itching powder with ground rose hips."

"Itching powder?" the pair say in unison, which elicits a pleased blush on Aina's part. It's got to count for something when you and your date find yourselves thinking and speaking the same. How marvelous!

"Yep. This type causes irritation through mechanical stimulation once it gets on your skin: the more you scratch yourself, the more you spread the powder around and the worse the itching gets. That's why the itch stopped when you stopped scratching yourself."

"Wow, neat! Tonton got all that just from smelling the sweater? What a smart little piggy!" Aina claps her hands in delight. "Good girl! Here, have a radish." She slides off the table to fetch Tonton's reward from the picnic basket.

"Looks like someone is messing with you, Orochimaru," the medic explains with a chuckle. "Just be grateful it wasn't the kind with velvet bean in it. Then you'd have really been in trouble."

Shizune is normally quite kind and courteous—someone in the Hokage's office has to keep a level head to keep things running smoothly. But something about the way she says this makes Orochimaru suspect that she indeed wishes that he'd gotten a rawer deal than he's just been dealt.

Never mind that. Who the hell laced his clothes with itching powder? It couldn't have been Aina. What reason would she have to pull something so cruel? Unlike him, she hasn't a single bad bone in her body. Besides, this prank is too elaborate for someone of her capacities.

His brain jolts with a revelation.

Anko. It has to be her. She's been antagonizing him and openly pushing for his re-expulsion ever since this nonsense started, and she always did love pranks. He's the one who taught her the art of them, and other things.

So that's the game she's playing, eh?

Strangely enough, he finds this time he can't feel as angry about it as he normally would. Not that he isn't pissed, mind—how can he not be? Look what she's done to his skin! It's just that for whatever reason he can't elucidate at this time he finds himself cracking a smirk rather than a scowl or a sneer.

That's my girl. Good to see the Leaf hasn't totally tamed your wild side.

However, don't think this means I'll take this lying down.

Aina stops petting Tonton as the latter eagerly gobbles up the radish. "Aw shucks, I'm sorry, Orochi. If I'd known the wool I bought had itchy powder in it, I wouldn'ta bought it. They didn' have the color you wanted under the brand I usually buy at the craft store so I tried another brand of yarn. Although I don' reckon the fellows that made the yarn meant to put that powder in it. Lesson learned: always stick with what you know, yep-yep."

He huffs. "It's fine, Kame. Don't apologize for something that isn't your fault."

Shizune shakes her head and sighs. "If it's any consolation, I think I may have a bottle of ointment you can put on your skin to heal it. But I'd recommend you first take a thorough shower and change your clothes."

"Ooh-ooh! Let's go to my house," Aina offers. "I got a shower and a washer and clothes you can change into. And while we're talkin' about my house, maybe we can jus' have our picnic there instead? It's getting late, don't you know, and my fishing hole's a bit a-ways off. Plus, I don't wanna miss the sunset. Two things you never ever wanna end your day without: dinner, and the sunset. We can eat out in my backyard. I got a little pond so we'd still have water to sit in front of. We can see my fishing hole next week, instead. Wouldn't that be nice?"

He looks away from her. "Eh, sure. That's fine, too. Thank you…"

"Yippee! I'll be outside. Thank you for all your help, Shizune. Here, you get a radish, too." She plucks another white radish from the basket and shakes it in front of Shizune as soon as the latter discards her gloves and washes her hands.

"Er, thank you. And you're welcome, Kame. Have a good night."

He hops off the table and just plants his feet on the ground when Shizune approaches him with the ointment. "So. You and Kame…you're dating?"

Ugh, enough with the interrogations! Hasn't he been tortured enough today? He would fold his arms but they're so raw and sore from all that scratching. Anko is going to pay for her insolence. He just needs time to plan the how. "Yes. And before you ask, I'm also on Might Guy's team and working under him. What of it?"

"There's no way Lady Tsunade would authorize this. She despises you."

"Oh believe me, I haven't forgotten that. And she probably didn't. Heh, I bet she doesn't even know I'm here yet. I'm surprised you didn't tell her that you saw me at the party."

"I didn't think I'd have to. I expected you to be in and out like always."

(If Anko were here, she may say something along the lines of "That's what she said." Unbeknownst to him, she is just outside and says exactly that, out of force of habit and to rile up Kabuto.)

"Guy decided to take me in on his own. If you've got a problem with it, take it up with him."

"Guy? Oh for goodness' sake…it's like we can't leave that man alone for one second without him getting up to something off-the-wall," she laments, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I'm definitely going to need to speak with him tomorrow morning. You, in the meantime, you'd better watch yourself. If you do anything to hurt Kame—"

"Yes, yes, I know. Get in line. I'll behave myself. I am being chaperoned, after all. It's not like we're totally alone. Now hand over that ointment."

Lee covers his mouth, his already large black eyes broadening to the size of soccer balls. "Did you all hear that? They are going to her house!" he gasps.

"The battle has taken yet another shocking swerve!" proclaims Guy. "For two novices, I'd say they're rolling well with the punches they're thrown so far."

"Will you two please stop comparing dating to battling?" scolds Tenten.

"I have to say, I'm surprised Kichida was able to calm him down the way she did. I wonder how she did that?" says Neji. "Moreover, where could the itching powder have come from? You don't think…"

"Shit! He's changing tactics on us," snarls Anko meanwhile.

"So much for the itching powder prank. Looks like your first line of offense did ultimately nothing," grouses Kabuto. "I don't believe this. I can't believe this. Any evil plan we did together, he never lasted this long…ah!"

She answers this insult by wrapping him in a headlock and pointing a kunai at his eye. "You shut the hell up! It's not over yet. We've still got the hot sauce and stink bombs, if you forgot. Shake a leg, boys! We've got no time to lose!" Even after calling on them, she doesn't let go of Kabuto, preferring to drag him along like she's a robber who's just taken on a hostage.

(Which, Kabuto muses, would not be an inaccurate analogy.)

Kimimaro, the dourest of this team, lingers in the bushes, watching his master disappear out of sight. Ms. Kichida appears to adapt relatively well to misfortune and changes of plans. Not even a tampered gift can deter her.

But there's something else he's noticed too.

That movement Ms. Kichida made in there with her hands…she made that same gesture when I visited her at her house this morning.

Could it mean anything? Or is it just a coincidence? People in this universe have a knack for acting one way to trick others into believing they have deeper motivations than they actually do. Then again, the converse is also true, if less often.

He turns on his heels and follows the other two. He'll just have to keep watching.


	6. Something Smells in Konoha!

Kichida's house is surprisingly neater and more organized than Orochimaru had anticipated from someone like herself. It's absurdly easy to navigate his way through the little stone cottage, one reason being the presence of labels on everything. It actually becomes a little discombobulating after letting it sink in for a few minutes. Not that he doesn't keep his things labelled himself—he's a scientist, after all, regardless of what others will say—but this is at a level even he can't help but find ridiculous. It's like he's stepped into the pages of one of Richard Scarry's™ word books.

It's strangely fitting. Aina Kichida is the sort of character one may encounter in a children's book.

"Welcome to our happy home!" she cheers, ushering him in. "You can take off your shoes and put 'em on that there mat. Here at our house, we go barefoot!"

As confused as the request makes him, he complies. "Our?"

"Yep-yep! Mine an' Masa's an' Minori's an' Mama's an' Papa's. And now it's yours too!"

Oh crap. Just when he'd thought tonight couldn't get any more awkward. She still lives with her parents? Moreover, it's much too soon to be calling this place his home. This is exactly what he tells her while trying to play it off as a joke: "Ha, slow down, won't you? I appreciate your generosity but this is only our first date. Don't you think we should wait a while before considering moving in together?"

Aina blinks at him. "Huh? Oh! Ahaha, nah, I know that. I'm just saying how you're welcome in our house for as long as you're here. The same would be true even if we weren' dating. The bathroom's to your right between my room and Mama-n-Papa's. You can put your dirty clothes in the hamper; it'll be right next to the sink on your left when you go in. I'll set up our picnic in my garden out back."

He turns his head to confirm her directions. "Oh, would you look at that? It's even labelled 'Bathroom' over the doorway. How…convenient."

"Yep-yep! There's a place for everything, and everything has its place. Ooh, one more thing: when you're done, please put everything back the way you found it. I'll go pull out some clothes for ya."

Another thing Orochimaru notices when he starts making his way to the right is how all the rooms are open. Even the bathroom. "Er…where are the doors?"

"Doors?"

A twitch comes on in his right eye. "Yes. There are supposed to be doors over bedrooms and bathrooms."

"Oh!" She laughs her hearty, booming laugh. "No, silly, not at our house. Maybe at other folks' houses, but not here. Doors are meant to keep things in, or out. We don' do that here. Sure, we got doors at the front porch an' the back porch but that's so we can keep warmth in the house when it gets cold and mosquitoes out of it when it's hot. Family don't keep nothing from each other. We share everything."

Everything?

"Oh yes, I see now."

His yellow eyes develop shade under them. The Kichidas are apparently very open people. Or, depending on how you look at it, have no healthy concept of boundaries or privacy. As a man who enjoys both, he shudders to think about what the lack of doors has entailed here in this cottage…and then he has to stop that train of thought in its tracks before he makes himself sick.

From this, he briefly plays with an idea.

"I do hope your parents don't mind my being here. I don't want to impose."

Aina shakes her head. "Nah, they don' live here anymore. But they do call once in a while. And if they were here, they wouldn' mind you a'tall. I reckon they'd like you as much as I do."

Mr. and Mrs. Kichida don't even live here anymore? Yet they still have a room. What could she mean by this? Oh, never mind. It's not his problem. At least he can avoid the awkwardness of meeting her parents, especially under these circumstances.

Maybe, as soon as he finishes with his shower, he can say he has come down with a spontaneous stomachache and see himself out? Then he'll ignore her calls and never have to bother with her again and then he can free up his time to find someone else. Surely he has that right, right?

D'oh, wait. What if she insists I stay here so she can nurse me back to health? With all her 'neighbor' babble, she seems like the type.

The shower stall at least has a curtain around it. Thank goodness for this small respite. He steps in to strip outside of prying eyes and chucks his tainted clothes into the hamper. It's exactly where Aina said it was, and in case there was still any shadow of a doubt in his mind, it's labelled "Hamper" on top of the lid.

Never mind that. Team Bushy Brows is still watching my every move. They're all still suspicious of me. What will they think if I tried to leave now? I've already gotten three explicit threats if I hurt this woman in any way.

He turns the single steel knob on the wall to the left, for "Hot." Just as the sign and arrows above it indicate. A blast of piping hot water spurts from the showerhead above him. He jumps, then turns the knob ever so slightly to the right for "Cold," to adjust the temperature. Hot, but not too hot. It's a snake thing.

In spite of everything, he has to crack a smirk. Heh. Considering how they treat her behind her back, I doubt they'd care as deeply if it was someone else she was dating. They're all only taking up arms because it's me. They're just fishing for an excuse to beat me up and chase me out again.

Nice to see the Leaf hasn't changed much since I left it the first time.

He picks the bar of soap from its shelf. It smells of jasmine. After inspecting it for the presence of stray hair, he decides it will do and proceeds to lather his hands and rub himself down vigorously. The suds roll off him and circle around the drain and his pale feet with the water and puffs of steam.

So she does know what soap is. Then why on earth does she stink? Does she just stand under the water contemplating her pathetic existence and forget it?

It's then that he recalls another less amusing observation.

But that's just it, isn't it? There is no one else in this village who would entertain me this way. Stupid Kabuto was right. She is the only woman here dumb enough to date me, let alone marry me. Or be nice to me in any manner…

His eye light up with the fire of determination. I've made it this far, haven't I? I'll show them. I can stick it out to the end.

Then when I do destroy Konoha, I'll thank her for her help with a quick and painless death.

He reaches for the bottle of shampoo sitting in the basket in front of him, only to quickly put it back when he reads the following under the label: For naturally curly hair. Orochimaru doesn't want to so much as imagine what could happen to his beautiful silken locks if he puts this stuff in it. It's not a risk he finds worth taking. Oh no. He's gotten better about reading labels since the time he'd accidentally made himself bald with the poisoned shampoo he'd given Might Guy.

But he has to wash his scalp somehow. He settles for picking up the bar soap again.

Around this time, a plump shadow comes lurking up to the curtain and the infamous scare chords from Psycho™ abruptly play in the background. The shadow holds something long and thick over its head.

"Oi, Orochi!"

"GAAH!"

His heart leaps into the tip of his tongue. Entirely on reflex, he whips around and shoots a hissing quartet of white spotted snakes at the intruder that quickly coil around her, binding her arms to her body. When he gets his bearings back, he tucks a part of the curtain over himself and glares out into the room.

Who else does he see on the floor except Aina, wiggling a bit in her serpentine restraints but otherwise as giddy as can be when she realizes what's happened? She's even giggling out loud. Scattered around her are a loofah and a worn green striped jinbei set that looks way too big for him. Is that supposed to be his?

"Wow, look at this! You can pull snakes from out of your arms? Ahahahaha, neat! How'd ya do that? Heehee, they sure do tickle."

This is not the sort of reaction he's accustomed to getting when he breaks out the snake summons. As such, he lowers his arm and the snakes loosen their grip on her. "Y-you're not scared? Never mind that, what are you doing in here? You couldn't wait until I finished my shower?"

"Aw, I's just comin' in to give you some clothes to wear while I wash your other ones, and to ask if you needed help washing your back. Are these snakes real? They're so pretty! Boas, from the looks of 'em. Hello there, friends! I'm Kame! Nice to meet y'all. How'd you do that? Pull 'em out, I mean?"

Incredible. It's almost as if Kichida has no fear reaction whatsoever. Everything he does just seems to endear him to her that much more, even those things that aren't meant to be endearing. He's not sure if he likes this. If you can intimidate your enemy into submission, you've won half the battle already.

Part of him stops to wonder: How is this woman still alive? I bet I could kill her right now and she literally would never know what hit her. She'd probably still have that stupid, goofy, cute grin on her face the whole time while I drained the life out of her…

Wait. Did I say cute? No, I didn't!

Nevertheless, she did just give him another compliment, which he can't quite complain about. His cheeks glowing pink (the cause of which he assumes to be the steam building up in the bathroom), he turns away and huffs through his upturned nose. He wraps more curtain around himself. "I told you I was the Snake Sannin, didn't I? It comes naturally to me."

"Yep, that you did." The snakes vanish into puffs of smoke, freeing Aina from their clutches. She takes her time helping herself back up and retrieving the items she'd dropped.

"Oh! Now where'd they go?"

"To the same place all my snakes go when I don't need them anymore."

"My goodness, you mean you can summon snakes to play with at will?"

"Well, I wouldn't call it 'playing with them,' but—"

"Marvelous! Say, you gotta show me how to do that, sometime," she gushes, folding up the jinbei set to place on the counter next to the sink.

He can't stop his next bout of wicked, smug chuckling. "Yeah, right. Even if I could, you could never reach the same skill level as me."

With her hands free once again, she claps them. "Nah, I don' reckon I'd ever be as good as you. But that's okay. I just think it'd be something fun to do later, is all. Before I start washin' your clothes, you want me to do your back?"

Orochimaru remembers then that he is still dripping wet and naked and Aina is still here talking to him like he is neither. Also, he is wasting water. "N-no, no, thank you. I can wash myself. Now, if you could please let me shower in peac—I mean, please wait for me outside."

Aina nods. "Okey-dokey! Don't you worry, I didn' see nothing. Except those neat tattoos on your arms. Aha, I sure do like them! They look good on you. The black ink makes an eye-popping contrast against your white skin…plus, they look like you've got snakes slithering along your arms. Who doesn' like that?" She hands over the loofah.

He snatches it from her and pulls the curtain all the way over him, finally re-establishing the barrier between them. She'd be surprised at the answer to that question. He's certainly surprised at how red his face gets upon hearing this. No one has ever given him accolades on his tattoos before. No one has acknowledged his good looks at all before. Not even Kabuto.

He'd better finish this damn shower already and put on that ointment, lest he get overheated. A snake's constitution is fussy that way.

"Thank you." His tone makes this response sound more like a question than a statement.

…

The clothes she lends him feel exactly as they look: too big for him by at least three sizes. Even after he does all the ties, the top still slides off him and the pants keep drooping down his hips. Not to mention the fact that he looks like a peasant. But once again, how could he expect anything else from a working-class woman?

He'll have to fix that. All in due time.

On his way back out to the den, he notices a display hung on the wall in the room labelled "Kame's room." It's a board with shed shake skins of various lengths tacked to it. Under each skin is a tiny label listing its length in centimeters and presumably the age at which the snake in question had shed it. Under the board sits a little glass case with egg shell fragments inside.

The label at the top of the case reads, "Masa's Egg! Hatched April 27."

Ah. So all those skins must be her snake's.

Oh dear. That's adorable! It's just like when a mother keeps her child's placenta as a memento of their birth, and then marks their height along the doorway over the years. Which is the weirder custom? It depends on who you ask.

Along the opposite wall, he catches a glimpse of another glass case with egg shell fragments inside it. From a turtle. Minori, he presumes. He doesn't particularly care for turtles so he moves on, at least mentally.

Physically, before he takes another step he feels something long, smooth and warm coiling up around his ankle like a cat would. Except it's not a cat. It's Masa herself.

He cracks a smile. She may be just a colubrid, but he's never encountered a snake that couldn't make him smile at least a little bit. "Ah, hello there, little one. You must be Masa. Pleased to make your acquaintance. I'm Orochimaru."

Masa glances up at him, her dark beady eyes shining. She flickers her tongue and readily slithers up between his fingers when he bends down to offer his hand. That's where she stays, tangled up around his forearm like a happy little noodle, when he goes back out to the den. Aina has strung a clothesline across the room in preparation for hanging his clothes to dry.

"Normally I got the line outside, but since it's gettin' dark and all, I'm just gonna hang them in here. Ah! There you are! And I see you and Masa are friends already! Aww, I told you she would like you. Feel any better now that you're squeaky-clean?"

He pulls the jacket back up over his left shoulder and resumes gripping the waistband of his pants. "Y-yes, I feel much better, thank you. Except, these clothes are a bit big for me…"

"Ahahaha, I'm sorry. That was the smallest thing I could find of my Papa's. He's a big man. I'd have given you something of Mama's, but she's even bigger than him, heehee. All of us Kichidas are big, don't you know."

WHAT? Yuck! I'm wearing an old man's clothes?! Her father's, no less! What is she thinking?

Not that he hasn't dressed like an old man before, but that was for a disguise to trap the brats. But he can't just toss off all the garments then and there. He's stuck in them. Screaming internally, he bites back a grimace and asks, "Y-y-you don't say. He won't mind if I borrow his clothes?"

She beams. "Nope! I know he woulda wanted you to have 'em. He-n-Mama were good neighbors, and I learned how to be a good neighbor from them. They taught me everything I know. Here, I got some clothespins and extra string to help keep those clothes on you."

That's how Orochimaru ends up in an old man's pair of pants strung up well over his belly and a couple of clothespins fastening the collar of an old man's jacket together over his chest. A few more keep the sleeves rolled up his arms. Just when he thought he couldn't look like any more of a hick…

If Team Guy is watching this, they'd better not be laughing at him right now. His eyes dart about to look for windows, and whether the kids are spying through them. If they had been, he can't see them now.

For that matter, is Anko here too? Is she spying on him, too? Damn it! What other traps has she set to sabotage their date? There's no way she'd stop at mere itching powder. He wouldn't.

"Hey, Kame. What sort of washer do you have, exactly?"

Aina scratches her left cheek. "Just a regular ol' basin an' washboard. Why?"

Great. Just splendid. It isn't bad enough he has to dress like a peasant; he'll have to settle for getting his clothes cleaned like a peasant, too. "Oh, no reason. Except, perhaps you could put off washing my clothes until after we eat? I'd imagine it'd take you a while to do it manually, and not to be pushy but I'm quite peckish at this point. Plus, we, um, don't want to miss the sunset."

"Aw, that's right! The sunset. Okey-dokey! I'll jus' let them soak in the suds, in the meantime. You can come on by tomorrow to get 'em back and I can get back Papa's clothes. You're so smart, Orochi! Awright, to the backyard."

To be called smart may not mean much coming from someone like Aina. Most everyone is smarter than her by comparison. But this is the first time he can recall in years when someone called him smart and meant it. Even when Kabuto praises him nowadays, it's usually out of sarcasm, like most everything his right hand man says. Like Kabuto's any better than him.

For some reason he thinks he can feel tears lining his eyelids. Maybe it's soap that he caught in his eyes while he was in the shower and it's only just now that he feels the sting? He furiously rubs them dry on his sleeves when she turns her back to hum her way to the back porch. The last thing he needs is to show any (more) signs of weakness. Crying is a huge no-no on the first date.

Once he gets his composure back, he follows her path through the kitchen and out through the back door. She's already skipped down the wooden porch steps and is spreading the checkered tablecloth across the ground. As she'd promised, a modest koi pond does in fact sit in the right corner of the yard where Minori lounges on a flat rock. On the left sit rows of turned-up dirt, the vegetable growing in each indicated by a small picket sign on the right end.

The bouquet he'd brought her sits tucked in a pot full of water on the windowsill. On the right of the yard closer to the porch grows a patch of flowers of numerous sizes, shapes and colors. Orochimaru can recognize these as flowers for pollinators. Butterflies and bees, mostly. Of course. Pollinators are essential for a healthy farm. Like the crops, the flowers are arranged in rows, and labelled on the left end.

This...is actually a rather lovely backyard. For a hick, anyway. Orochimaru had been half-expecting to see an outhouse, an alligator inside a plastic pool, and a boat taken apart with its engine sitting beside it. She takes care of all of this by herself?

In the center of the yard stands a plum tree. It's bare for now, at least until spring. Plates of bird seed dangle from some of its branches, and a little birdbath sits a few meters in front of the trunk. The color of the sky is bright and transitioning between blue and orange as the sun begins to dull and drift down towards the tree line. What few clouds are out tonight look like tufts of lavender petals floating on the breeze.

Ah, there's Rock Lee and his ninja pals. They've assumed camouflage in the shrubs on his left, just beyond the picket fence and birdhouses that establish the boundary between Aina's garden and the wild outdoors. Tenten and Neji peer out at him through the foliage. Behind them, Lee and Guy both have their faces painted brown and are holding out branches in outlandishly "natural" poses.

And there's the brat herself up on the trees on his right, watching him through a pair of binoculars. How he'd love to lunge at her, but he swallows his violent urges for the sake of decorum. Instead, he should probably go on and ask Aina if she needs help setting up. If only because it would be the gentlemanly thing to do.

Huh. It's not just her. Her (technically his) motley crew is up perching on those limbs, too. What are Kabuto and Kimimaro doing here?

But either he's been standing there contemplating navels for too long or Aina is faster than he thought, because she's already unpacked the basket and has moved on to stacking chunks of wood from under the porch into a small pile inside a circle of bricks off to the right side. Somewhere along the way between inside and outside she's donned a plain white apron over her yukata that stretches to her ankles.

He stoops over to let Masa slither off his hand and under the porch. Minori in the meantime sits on top of a log by the pond, intent on staying put. She doesn't so much as look their way.

"Are you starting a fire?" he asks.

"Yep-yep! Gonna need a fire to cook those eggs for ya, don't you know. You go on and have a seat right there in the meantime."

"Eggs?"

His stomach growls in loud and undignified anticipation at the word "eggs." On reflex, his mouth starts to water. He can't remember telling her about his love for eggs.

"H…how did you know I liked eggs?"

Aina smiles. She may be illiterate when it comes to social language, but she can spot hunger from a country mile away. Paraphrasing one of Orochimaru's lines from the last chapter, she giggles. "Heehee! Let's say, Kimimaro told me."

"Kimimaro?"

"Yep! One of your kids came over this morning. He was so cute! He said you liked hot meals with eggs in them, so that's what I'm makin'. Did you know he can poke his bones outta his body?"

"Oh. That, I did know. As I should. I taught him how to hone his techniques."

"Did you, now? 'Cause I gotta say, that's really neat! Very peculiar, yep, but still neat. By the way, how d'ya want these eggs done? Scrambled? Sunny side up? Poached?"

In the canopy, Anko clenches her fist in shock and anger. "What? You gave her advice on wooing Orochimaru? Spinal Cracker, whose side are you on?" she demands. She would hit him, but it would likely earn her a nasty poke in the eye or elsewhere equally nasty.

"I plead the Fifth," the accused answers coolly from the adjacent branch.

"Sorry, but that only works in America," says Kabuto from overhead.

"Is there any true difference between that place and Konohagakure?"

"I'm not sure if America even exists in this universe…"

"At any rate, I fail to see what I've done wrong."

"What the hell, I thought you were smart? The point of Operation Break-up is to break them up, not bring them closer together!"

"Are you sure? I could be mistaken but that's exactly what the itching powder did," huffs Kabuto. "How else did they end up at Kichida's house? You can't get much closer than that."

She reaches up to pinch his bottom. "Quiet, you!"

"OW!"

"If you can't contribute anything constructive, just shut the hell up and let me do the work."

Kabuto pulls himself back up on the branch mumbling mean things under his breath, one hand rubbing his tender butt cheek.

Orochimaru takes his seat on the right side of the cloth. "Where have you been all my life?" Eh? Where did that line come from? It's too soon to be saying things like that. Or is it? Women do eat up these sorts of lines like chocolate. Don't they?

Aina strikes a match and ignites the pile of wood on fire. "Oh, here in this old house," she replies, deaf to the romantic undertones of his question. "How 'bout you, Orochi? I don't think I seen you around town before that party last week, and I know just about everybody here."

Crap. He doubts that bit about knowing everyone in Konoha is true, but otherwise he quickly spins a story to cover himself: "That may be because I just moved here."

"Yep? You're new here? Where'd you move from?"

"Er, Otogakure. No, wait! I mean, Iwa—"

It's too late. For someone so slow, she immediately latches on to that name. "Otogakure? The Hidden Sound Village? Ahaha, nice! So, why do they call it the Sound Village? We call Konohagakure the Leaf Village 'cause there's leaves everywhere. Is Oto really noisy?"

He breathes slightly easier. Oh, that's right. She doesn't know him, or his village, apparently. Current events must not interest her much. This is good, this is good. "Y-yes, you could say that. That's why I left, to get some peace and quiet."

Aina nods in understanding. "Well, you should find lots of peace an' quiet here. Say, I could give you a tour of the town sometime, if you want. It's very big, but I know it pretty well."

Please. He's only snuck into this wretched place enough times to know it like the palm of his hand. He probably knows it even better than she. He can only guess what exactly she does during the day that would make her believe such, but Konoha is far from quiet and peaceful. But it wouldn't be good to insult her, not when she's trying to be nice—she is cooking for him, after all—so he replies, "That would be lovely, thank you. But yes, that's definitely something to put off until later."

"Oops! I plum forgot. I gotta put on the tea before the eggs. Kimimaro also said you liked hot green tea." She pulls out a plain pink metal teapot from the basket and hangs it over the fire by a hook tied around a steel rack. "It shouldn' take more than a shake for the tea to seep."

He perks up. "Why yes, he was correct about that, as well."

Anko bangs her head against the heel of her hand. "Aw come on! Get to the food, already!"

Neji pries his eyelids open. "I must say, things have gotten fairly boring since they came here. I think I'm falling asleep from how dull the conversation is." Tenten nods to concur.

"I know what will help keep you awake! Hyper Alert Cheek Pinch Jutsu!"

"YOW! What was that for?" snaps Neji, rubbing his bottom.

"It worked on Kabuto when Anko did it," Lee explains, innocently pointing to a tree across the yard.

It's Tenten's turn to jerk awake. "What? Anko's team is here, too? Lee, why didn't you say anything?"

"I did not see the need. Anko, Kabuto and Kimimaro are our comrades too. They must be here for the same reasons we are: to cheer on Orochi and Kame's first official date."

Tenten's expression sours, recalling Anko's outbursts and the earlier incident with the itching powder. "Something tells me that's not quite it…Guy-sensei, I think Anko's trying to sabotage the date. Should we intervene?"

"That's a negative!"

The buns on Tenten's head stand up. "Huh? B-but why? I thought we were here to support Orochimaru? Which, granted, I'm still not totally behind, but still—"

Guy shuts his eyes, clutches a branch to his heart and knits his massive brows together, the way he does when he's about to say something profound. Or at least, what he thinks is profound. "But we are! You three have yet to get into relationships yourselves so it'd make sense that you wouldn't understand, but dating isn't all rainbows and roses. Sometimes there is conflict. Love is a battlefield and you and your partner are a team of two. The external world will throw everything it's got to throw at you. There will also be internal strain, clashes of wills and passions. If you can fight and make it through the bad times together, your bond will be all the stronger for it!"

"Oh, Guy-sensei! I have never thought of it that way before! It is just like working and training with you three, but even closer! You are so wise!" sobs Lee as he and Guy dive in for another hug.

"I see. So in other words, by letting Anko torment these two, we can test to see if there's any true substance to this relationship," Neji summarizes. He nods once, a ghost of a smirk flitting across his lips. "This way we can also rat him out: if he does have an ulterior motive for dating Ms. Kichida and isn't serious about her, all the stress would make him crack and expose himself."

Tenten grits her teeth. "Not that I'm sticking up for him, but it sounds more like you're all just looking for excuses to torture Orochimaru."

In the meantime, the teapot whistles a one-note tune as it blows steam from out of its spout. "Oh! Tea's done. I'll get it." Aina pulls out two potholders to take the pot off the flame and carefully pours the contents into two plated cups. "One lump or two?"

"Beg your pardon?"

"Would you like any sugar with your tea? I got sugar that comes in lumps."

"Oh, right. No, thank you. I don't take sugar with my tea."

"Okey-dokey. You do you. Careful, though, it's pipin' hot."

He pauses with the cup clutched delicately between his hands. "I do what?"

"You do you. Be yourself. Do whatever you want. Wear the clothes that fit you, eat the foods you like, love whoever you love. You do you."

You do you…I do me. What a terribly basic concept, one he would normally scoff at because of its sheer simplicity. And yet, when was the last time someone granted him that exact freedom? The whole debacle with Konoha and the Third Hokage and his teammates started in the first place because they didn't like it when he "did" himself. If only it were that easy…

"Ah, just how I like it. Thank you." He puckers his lips and blows slowly over the rim of the cup to cool the drink before taking a quiet slurp. For the first time all day, he can relax. There's just something so soothing about the hot earthy taste of a good cup of green tea after a long day.

At least until Aina brings up the eggs again. "Now, about those eggs. How you want 'em cooked? I should probably tell you before I start: I ain't never cooked eggs before, at least not by themselves rather than in a pastry. But I'll make whatever you want and I'll do my best."

As sophisticated as his palate is, and as creative his mind, he decides on a simple request. It's the least he can do to reciprocate her generosity, and the easier the dish, the less likely it is she'd mess it up. He can push her towards more advanced recipes later. After all, this is the woman he intends to marry, like it or not. "If you could please fry them, that would be nice. Two should be enough."

Aina, as always, smiles warmly at him. "Okey-dokey! So I just crack open the eggs in a pan and fry them like I would for pancakes? Except, without batter?"

"Y-yes, that's the gist of it. Let's go with that."

"Awright. Go on an' help yourself to what's out while we wait. You gotta be starvin' by now! Your food's got your name on it."

Literally. He holds up the jar of miso soup with his name scrawled on it over a piece of tape. He cracks open the lid and takes a preliminary sniff. Phew! That's spicy! It's hot enough to incinerate his nasal mucosa. What did Aina put in this? Unless…

"Yes, finally! Oh crap—"

He whirls around to glare daggers at the tree behind him, the source of the voice. He sees the branches rustle anxiously but otherwise Anko and company are out of sight. Aina, humming and poking the burning wood to adjust the fire, has sunken back into her own world and notices none of this.

The urge to jump over there and chop down that tree jerks Orochimaru's fingers, but he clenches his fist to quell it. So Anko has tampered with this whole spread. He must give her kudos for being thorough but he will get back at her yet! While Aina's back is turned and her attention diverted, he stealthily pours the tainted soup out onto the ground beside him.

Imagine his utmost horror when a small flame—fwoosh!—materializes as soon as the soup makes contact with a tuft of dried grass.

"GAAAH!" Instinct takes over and he starts thumping his right wrist against the ground to stomp out the flame.

"Good Lord, what kind of hot sauce spontaneously combusts like that!?" howls Kabuto, his fingers digging into his scalp. "Lord Orochimaru!"

Anko tightens her grip on the tree trunk, refusing to answer and instead reveling in her ex-sensei's misery. Kimimaro, on the other hand, can take no more and leaps off the tree and over the fence before either of them can get the mind to stop him.

But before he or Rock Lee get the chance to act—

PLOP!

Orochimaru finds his hand crushed underneath the plump belly of Aina, who's just as spontaneously decided to bound over and lie on the ground face-down. Limbs splayed, she turns her head to peer up at him, her mouth shaped into an "O" and her eyes wide with concern. "You okay, Orochi?"

His eyes go blank with yet another bout of pain and fury. "Y-yes. As soon as I get my hand back…"

Nodding, she rolls over. His skin is singed (as if he didn't have enough skin problems already), but otherwise the fire is out and damage is minimal. That was rather quick acting for such a slow woman, and further to her credit, Aina appears only worried about him. "I don' normally like to hurry, but it's like Papa told me: fire is very impatient and greedy. You gotta hurry up for it, if for nothin' else. Lucky he taught me what to do when there's one on the loose: smother it, or spit on it."

Does he even want to know what she means by "spit on it"? No way.

"Ah! Howdy, Kimimaro! What brings you here?"

Kimimaro? So it is. The boy has a bone drawn up from his shoulder and holds it over his head with the intention of bashing out the flames. He blinks at them both before slowly putting his weapon away. Tenten and Neji meanwhile drag Rock Lee back into the foliage by the ankles before he can shout across the way to ask if Orochimaru is okay.

"I was just…passing through," Kimimaro answers. "Excuse me if I've interrupted something."

"Not a'tall! In fact, it's good that you showed up." After tumbling about on the ground like an upturned turtle, she finds her way back on her knees. "Could you please go on inside and fetch us that ointment we got from Shizune? I'm also gonna need a bowl of cold water, antiseptic, and bandages. You should find all those in the bathroom inside the mirror. The bathroom's between my room and Mama-n-Papa's."

"Wait, no, it's fine. You don't have to do that. It's just a first-degree burn." More like first-and-a-half degree.

"Besides, I can heal."

"Oh yes, so can everyone. But we wouldn' want it to get infected."

Back up in the tree, Kabuto facepalms. "Just what would she know about treating burns? That's so basic! I can jump down there right now and heal Lord Orochimaru myself!"

Anko glances up at him, not sure whether to be pissed off about losing her grip on Kimimaro's proverbial leash and having this next attack foiled, or amused by Kabuto's tantrum. "Nope, you were right. You clearly aren't jealous. No, seriously, don't you go AWOL on me, too."

Kimimaro gets this peculiar look on his face, as though for some reason he'd prefer not to leave these two alone. But whatever that reason is, it apparently doesn't give him enough justification to stay put, for he obeys Aina's request and heads inside the house. While she waits on him, Aina takes Orochimaru's hand and lays it flat against her palm, staring at it with the first frown he's ever seen from her.

"Aw shucks, I'm sorry, Orochi. I musta flung an ember over here while I was tendin' to the fire. I don' reckon there's another explanation for this. I'm sorry."

There she goes again with her self-echoing. Doing his best not to snarl, he hisses, "It's…fine. Accidents happen. Don't apologize for what isn't your fault. You know, once we've patched this up, maybe I should—"

Would this be a good time to get up and leave? Wait. What about the brats? What will they make of it? Is that what they're expecting him to do at this point, to throw up his hands and confess his evil plot before he can even set it into motion? If he does that, he'll never be able to regain their trust again.

Not to mention Ms. Kichida. If he hurts her feelings, the whole village will be on him like maggots on a corpse. Not that he couldn't take them all on—oh, who is he kidding? Tsunade alone could pulverize him. Combine her might with that of the rest of the Leaf nins…it just wouldn't be worth it. Even when you've got a super healing factor, getting beat on by everyone is no fun.

It all comes down to which is worse. Putting up with Kichida's dull presence for a few months at the cost of his sanity, or getting the snot beat out of him by everyone in the village again and, worse than even that, being a quitter?

"O…Orochi?"

He takes back his hand and cradles it in his other one. "What?"

Aina tilts her head and scoots a little closer to him. "Are you…crying? Why are you crying?"

Anko leans in herself, her eyes narrowing at this new development. "Is it me, or is Orochimaru…less menacing than I remember? I mean, crying? He can't be!"

"What? No way! I'm Orochimaru! I don't cry! You're the one who's crying."

"Liar," mumbles Kabuto, peering down at Anko. "Just this summer he broke down over a stupid sob story Rock Lee made up to get everyone to fill the pool with their tears. He was the only one that cried and he filled the pool all by himself."

Anko sticks her tongue at him in disgust, her left hand kneading her neck. "Huh? Get out! Orochimaru's a heartless snake! You can't make me believe otherwise. And if you're gonna try, at least come up with something more convincing."

The rogue medic shakes his head adamantly. "You can believe me or not believe me, but it doesn't change the fact that it happened. And then last month, he pitched a hissy-fit—pun unintended—over the fact that we all supposedly forgot his birthday. I proceeded to remind him that he'd forgotten his own birthday too and there was no way we could have celebrated it since he was out all that week digging for hot springs. So we threw him a surprise party to make up for it. He broke out the waterworks then, too."

He pushes up his glasses and sighs. "I hate to break it to you, Mitarashi, but the Orochimaru you remember is just that, a distant memory. I honestly don't know what happened to him, and at present there doesn't appear to be much I or anyone else can do about it. But as far as you're concerned, you should be happy. Contrary to what he thinks, currently he's no threat to even a stick of dumplings."

"Am I?" Puzzled, Aina reaches up and dabs at her own face only to find it as dry as it ever was. "Nah, I don't think so. I don't got no tears in my eyes…"

Lee springs up from the bushes. "It is okay to cry, Orochi!" he shouts. "Guy-sensei and I do it all the time! Crying is like a refreshing shower for the soul! Plus, this is a chance to show her your sensitive side!" Tenten yanks him back down to bop him over the head. They're supposed to be hiding, after all.

I know. That's what makes it so shameful. Orochimaru pretends to ignore him. Aina doesn't need to, as ignorance comes naturally to her. She seems to withdraw into herself for a moment, having little experience in dealing with this sort of thing. Her hands make that same gesture she'd made in the infirmary, and several times before that.

She taps her fingers together. It seems to be a tic of hers.

"What are you doing?"

"What am I doing?"

With both hands momentarily out of commission, he nods towards her hands. "That thing you're doing with your hands. Why do you do that?"

She shrugs. "Oh, I been doing this for as long as I can remember. That's a very long time, don't you know. It helps me feel better. And it seems to help other folks feel better, too. So I keep doing it. Is your hand hurtin' a lot? Is that why you're cryin'?"

What on Earth is taking Kimimaro so long? "Well, it's certainly felt better," he snipes. "But it doesn't hurt that much."

"Y'know, sea turtles also cry."

Tiny puffs of steam shoot out from Orochimaru's ears. Not that he ever cared much for them but what do sea turtles have to do with anything? "Yes, I knew that. What about it?"

"A lotta folks think when a mama sea turtle cries when she comes up on the beach to lay her eggs, it's because she's sad she'll never get to see her babies grow up. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't? Sea turtles are very shy and not talkative at all, so I ain't yet got the chance to ask one myself."

Cue image of a giant green sea turtle with Guy's face shuffling along a moonlit beach, tears streaming down her face in the same manner they roll of the real Guy's face every day. Behind her she leaves a clutch of three eggs deeply entrenched in the sand.

"But I do know that when a sea turtle mama cries, it's so's she can shed the salt that's built up in her body from bein' in the ocean all the time. Too much salt is bad for you, don't you know. Raises your blood pressure an' such. I…I think crying for us people works about the same. We cry so we can release bad feelings that build up inside us. And salt."

She sways to and fro, looking for a proper way to conclude her rambling. "So, if you hafta cry, please don't feel bad about it. Because something that's a part of nature can't be wrong."

…

That has got to be the dumbest thing he's heard all week, and he's spent just about every waking moment of it with motor-mouths Lee and Guy. He's no sea turtle! He's a snake! Snakes don't cry! Besides that, he doesn't answer to nature! He is nature! He's beyond nature! How he wishes he could tell her so!

It's unlikely she would understand even if he had the liberty.

Even without that, her insight is so asinine that it actually starts to sound cute and funny, and he just has to burst out laughing. Which, as he realizes too late, he does.

But Aina doesn't appear offended by this. If anything, she looks pleased with his reaction, as she responds in kind by clapping her hands. "Ahhhh, see? I knew you'd feel better!"

Kabuto makes gagging noises. Anko reaches up and pulls his pants down in retaliation. The shock attached to the gesture is enough to make the former lose his footing and topple down to the ground with a THUMP!

Finally, Kimimaro returns with the necessary first aid. Fast-forward a few minutes and Orochimaru's right hand is all bandaged up. "Thanks, Kimimaro! Here, you done earned yourself a radish! Care to stay with us for dinner?"

Kimimaro accepts the vegetable with a bow. Sensing he's overstayed his welcome, he declines. "No, thank you. I was just on my way home."

"Well, awright. It's getting dark and I wouldn't like you to be walking home alone."

"I won't be alone. I have…friends waiting for me."

"Neat! In that case, have a good night. Say, if you're thirsty, help yourself to the fridge on the way out. I got that milk you like."

"Thank you, Ms. Kich—I mean, Kame." He nods quickly to regard his master before he disappears into the house. It takes Orochimaru a second to recognize what's just happened. So she's taken it upon herself to oversee Kimimaro's dietary needs? Why would she do that? They barely know each other. He never understood kindness for kindness's sake.

Not that he can complain. Actually, it would be good to have an extra pair of hands around his lair, an extra pair of eyes to watch his mooks. It's better when the person is willing to go along with whatever he wants. No arm-twisting required.

Hmm…and to think I was thinking about killing you just minutes ago. Keep this up and I may have to spare you when I annihilate the Leaf, instead.

"Such a nice boy, that Kimimaro. You've taught him right well," she says.

"Huh? Oh, yes, thank you."

Aina jumps up and points towards the horizon. "Ooh-ooh, look, Orochi! The sunset!"

He shields his face. "You're not supposed to look directly into the sun, you do know that, right?" Although if she doesn't, it would explain a lot.

"Yep-yep, I know. That's why I got these." She pulls out two pairs of plain black sunglasses from the pocket of her apron and hands one of them to him. "I like how the sun looks like a big ol' kumquat and the clouds look like plum blossoms. What do you think about when you see a sunset?"

"The total fiery destruction of all my enemies."

"Huh?"

Shit. What's wrong with him today? He doesn't normally feel so up and down. Oh no, did the Leaf brats hear that? "I'm sorry, did I say that? I meant, er, I like how the clouds look like shed snake skins and the sun looks like an egg. I find it all very, um, symbolic. End of the day, start of a new one and all that."

Aina nods in approval. "Golly, I never thought of it like that before! But that makes sense, yep-yep."

Yes! Nailed it.

"Oh, Kame? There's still the matter of those eggs."

"Oops! I plum forgot about the eggs in all this excitement. Hold on, I might need to add more wood to the fire before I start."

He raises a finger to hold her still. There's no doubt in his mind, now that he's thinking clearer than before, that Anko's tampered with the carton. She probably replaced most of the eggs with bombs, knowing her. Well, he's not going to let her get him for the third time tonight.

"Actually, before you do that, I'd like to give you a tip. One thing I like to do before I cook with eggs is to check them for their freshness."

Aina blinks. "Is that right? I thought the farmers and grocers did that?"

"They do, but think about all the eggs they have to collect and package every day. I'm sure they do their best but they can't realistically track every single one. Sometimes a few rotten eggs slip past them and end up on your plate," he explains with a shiver. "What I like to do is…I take each egg and throw them. If they stink, they were bad eggs."

She takes a minute to let this information sink in. "What a peculiar way to check eggs…what if they were good? I don' reckon you can eat an egg that's broke on the ground, whether it's good or bad."

He tosses his hair with an air of authority. "That's the chance you take. Trust me, you're better off losing out on a good egg than eating a bad one. Go ahead, toss some over there by that tree," he suggests, enticing her with a deceptively innocuous finger pointed towards Anko and Kabuto.

Aina scratches the back of her neck. Ultimately, however, she finds no reason why her friend would lie to her, for the concept of lies does not exist in her mind even as a resident of a major shinobi nation. People always say what they mean and mean what they say. That's how it's always been. "Huh…well, if you say so. Okey-dokey! You're the expert. Aha, expert, eggs-pert! Ahahahaha! Get it? 'Cause 'ex-' sounds like 'eggs' and I'm gonna cook you some eggs!"

"Mm-hmhmhmhmhmhmhm…why, yes. That, it does." His heart and ego swelling with anticipation for sweet revenge, he gets up to take several steps back and to get a better view of the spectacle that's bound to unfold. "Oh! By the way...the process could get noisy, so you might want to wear something to protect your ears."

"Noisy? Oh boy, thanks for the warning."

"Oh no. He didn't just—"

Anko jolts upon realizing just what Orochimaru is doing. That fiend, turning poor Aina against her own friends! Kabuto was lying, then! Damn it, why does she have to be so nice and stupid?! But what can she do now without blowing her cover or hurting Aina except retreat?

But if Kabuto had expected this to happen, it doesn't show on his face. He's still recovering from that fall and pulling up his pants when he hears Anko bark, "Take cover, Helmet-head! We're about to have a gas!"

"I-I-I beg your pardon? What the hell did you pants me for?" He watches her dash off into the woods shaking his fist at her. He doesn't get any time to realize that he's given his fangirls and fanboys a brief but satisfying shot of his boxers (which, for today, are white and dotted with the insignia for Jiraiya's Make-Out Paradise series, that being a heart inside a red circle with a slash through it) when Aina fires the first blissful shot.

PPPPHHHHHHBBBBBT!

The stink bomb is every bit as disgusting and devastating as Anko had played it up to be and then some. The first strike leaves him dazed, wheezing and gasping for air as his upper and lower airways crackle and burn to the scent of unbridled flatulence.

PPPPHHHHHHBBBBBT!

The second one explodes at his feet just when he's about to find a straight path out of the noxious cloud, knocking him off-balance once more.

The third, fourth and fifth fly into his head and splatter yolk and albumin all over his silver locks, since these are ordinary eggs.

PPPPHHHHHHBBBBBT!

The sixth finally sends him blasting off to kingdom come. Which he is used to, except for the fact that he's blasting off alone this time.

Aina, clutching the carton to her, stops to fan her left hand in front of her nose. "Hoo-wee. Those were some nasty ones, huh? That's half the whole carton." She briefly pulls off her earmuffs. Quite an arm she has.

Does he dare? Does he dare?

Yes, he dares. And if they confront him about it later, he can always play dumb. He's good at that. He's good at many things.

"Indeed. Here, why not try throwing some over there, next? I wouldn't want you to become overwhelmed by the stench."

"Aha! Good idea! You're so smart, Orochi!"

"So you've told me, and I never get tired of hearing it."

Neji's hair rises in panic. "Everyone, look out!"

Tenten, already thoroughly rattled from bearing witness to those explosions on the other side, screams and takes to the trees with Guy. There's no way to counter such an assault.

"Everyone, where are you going? They are just eggs! We have nothing to—"

PPPPHHHHHHBBBBBT!

"NEJI, NOOOOOOOOO!"

"Save…yourselves…go…"

Lee's eyes sting as he braves the scent-cloud to reach his dazed fallen comrade and hook his hands under his arms. "No! A true ninja never leaves his teammates behind—"

PPPPHHHHHHBBBBBT!

"I can't breathe!"

Splat! Splat!

Splat!

"My eyes, my eyes! I have got yolk in my eyebrows!"

"You don't need your eyebrows to see, you moro—"

PPPPHHHHHHBBBBBT!

…

Her earmuffs back in her apron, Aina eyes the now empty carton one last time and frowns. "Oops! Aw shucks. Looks like they were all bad eggs. Now I can't fry you up those eggs you wanted. I'm sorry, Orochi. I wonder why I keep making these mistakes…this don't usually happen to me. Thursday's supposed to be a lucky day."

With a newfound and depraved contentment washing through him that he hasn't felt in a long time, Orochimaru sighs and dusts his hands. Very gingerly, so as not to exacerbate his burn. "It's okay, Kame. I'd hardly call them mistakes. I prefer to call them…learning experiences. Don't worry about the eggs. There's always next time."

She perks up at this new term, and the promise of a second date. "Learning experience," she hums back. "Mm-hm, I like the sound of that much better. That I do. Say, it might be a little cold now but you can have my miso soup if you're still hungry. I can warm it up again—ooh, maybe crack open a can of plums an' fry those up on the side?"

"And what will you eat?"

"Nah, don't you fret. I got a salad. And we can share the plums. Wouldn't that be nice?"

He takes another sip of his tea. He's so high on the note that tonight has somehow managed to end on, he finds himself caring less about her humble menu than he might have under less favorable circumstances. There will be plenty of opportunities between now and the fall of Konoha for him to totally get this way.

Through the shades he watches the sun finally disappear into the horizon, leaving a brilliant dark purple hue bleeding across the sky in its wake. He even finds it in him to throw her a wink and one of her words, which naturally makes her bounce in place.

"That would be marvelous, thank you."


	7. The Slug Princess Awakens!

Anko shows up for work the next day with bloodshot eyes and dragging feet, unsure of how much more she can take. Ever since Orochimaru moved into the Leaf, her mark has been waking her up every night like the screaming, hungry, incontinent product of a drunken one-night stand (some people would call it a baby).

She's got to get rid of him somehow. Hopefully Tsunade will be up and about today. She'll know what to do. She'd want to be rid of the bastard as much as her.

Since Kabuto had received the bulk of last night's onslaught, he'd spent the morning holed up in the bathroom trying to wash off the smell. He has yet to succeed. It could take twenty showers before he can get back to not smelling like a portable toilet at a baseball game. In the meantime, Anko has had to forego taking her own shower.

It's like she's doing the walk of shame, except she hasn't drunk a drop.

She could sure use a fix of red bean soup right about now.

Luckily Aina is there to provide, like always. Provided of course that she hasn't tried another new weird spin on it. The women encounter each other again in the locker room, with the former trotting up behind the latter as she washes her face in one of the sinks.

"Gooood mornin'-mornin'-mornin', Anko!" she greets in that sing-song lilt she takes on when she's particularly joyful. Which is often. Normally Anko would find it cute but today it just amplifies her headache, mainly because of why Aina is joyful this morning.

Anko gargles some of the water and spits it out, forcing a smile at her reflection. "Uh, morning, Kame. What have you got for me?"

"Red bean soup and dango. Your favoritest." She reaches into the basket hanging off her fat right arm and pulls out the goods.

"Did you do anything new with these?"

"Nope. I'm sorry, I forgot."

Anko nods in approval and fixes her hair and forehead protector in place. "Don't be sorry. Stick with what you like. And by that I mean what I like. Thanks, Kame." She takes the food and wastes no time taking a massive gulp of soup without bothering to blow on it to cool it. Ah…

"We are friends. That's what friends are for. They make each other snacks when they get hungry. Yep-yep-yep! Oh, be careful, there! It's very hot."

Anko smacks and licks her lips. "It's fine. I like my soup piping hot. I don't like it when it gets all cold and gets a skin over it, you know?"

"Heehee, that's a coincidence. Orochi likes his food hot too, don't you know!"

Anko has to cringe inside at the nickname everyone's bestowed on her former teacher. She could think of more appropriate and colorful names for him. It kills her to see the other woman bouncing in place. She can tell she's just itching to tell someone about her first date. It's not like she has anyone else to share the intimate details with. Most others lack the patience to sit through her bumpkin ramblings, never mind humor them.

Not that Anko is what you'd call "patient" herself, but it's hard not to feel at least a little sorry for the produce lady. The latter does make it worth her time, repaying her with daily homemade offerings of her favorite snacks.

She takes a second gulp and rips open the paper bag to bite off a dumpling. "I'm guessing this is the part where you tell me about your date?"

Aina's eyes light up with stars, a broad love-struck smile stretching over her chubby face. "Why yes, I would love to tell you about our date! Oh Anko, we had such a nice night, that we did!" she cheers, clapping her hands. "Well, a few unexpected not-so-nice things happened and we ended up picnickin' in my backyard instead of my fishing hole, but Orochi said we could do that on one of our future dates instead."

I know. I was there. Anko takes another sip of soup to hide her grimace. "Well, how about we have a seat over here and you can give me a play-by-play of everything from beginning to end? You know, before we gotta go to work."

Maybe this way I can figure out what the hell went wrong with the mission? And from there, figure out how to make it right.

"Okey-dokey!" So the pair sit down on the nearest bench and Anko ends up tuning out over her breakfast while Aina relays her long-winded, rosy and quaint interpretation of Chapters 5 and 6…which, to save time and keep on schedule, we shall fast-forward to the end. Trust us, it's better that we do. We wouldn't want you to fall asleep on us.

"…so I go an' feed him his dinner 'cause he done burned his hand and couldn' lift the silverware on his own. I think that was the best part!" she exclaims with a blush and her fists balled under her chin. She slowly gyrates left and right on her waist like some of the younger girls may do when talking about their crushes or their pets outside of class or between missions.

"I hold up the spoon to his lips like this." She pulls out her dull wood-carved pipe, the mouthpiece bumpy and crooked from decades of being chewed on, and mimics the act of eating (or would it be drinking?) a bowl of soup with the pipe in place of a spoon. "Then he blows on it like this—fffffff—and oh, you shoulda seen how his lips puckered when he slurped it up, Anko! He was adorable. Orochi is adorable! I don' reckon you can get much closer to a body than by feeding 'em. I feel bad for gettin' all bad eggs so I couldn't cook his favorite food, but he jus' said to consider it a learning experience for next time. Oi, did you know you can check for bad eggs by throwin' 'em and checkin' their smell when they break open? Orochi told me."

Anko throws up a little in her mouth, then swallows it back down as she is not the type to waste food, even if it's partially digested. When one puts "Orochi" and "adorable" together in a sentence, how else can and should you react? Even with one hand out of commission, he could still eat with his other one just fine. Prick.

"Yeeeeaaaah. Sounds like you, uh, had a great time, all in all."

Her rough hands lightly slap against her chunky thighs without care. "Yep-yep-yep, that I did! I'm so happy we're gon' get to do it again."

Anko sighs, drains the last of her soup, and claps the cup down on the floor between her feet. There's got to be something she can say to turn her friend off to Orochimaru without breaking her promise to Team Guy. But what?

Wait! Aina must not know how old he is. As vastly different as his means are, Orochimaru, like Tsunade, has always been good at hiding his age. That could work. No sane and sensible woman would bother with a crusty old man…unless she's a gold digger and the old man in question is rich and desperate. But such is not the case here, luckily.

"Kame? For real, are you sure you wanna date someone like Orochimaru?"

Aina nods, too enthusiastically for the other's tastes. "Yep-yep, pretty sure. If I wasn' sure before—which I was—then I sure am sure now. Sure as the sun in the sky."

"I mean, there are plenty of other folks here in the village you could go out with instead."

She makes an O-shape with her mouth, as she tends to do when she's confused. "Why would I want anybody else? Orochi meets all my standards."

"Uh, I don't know, it's just—don't you think he's kinda old for you? What are ya, 23?"

Blink. "23 what? Centimeters? Kilograms? Radishes?"

Anko holds up a hand, palm up. "Y-you know, 23 years. I'm talking about your age."

"Oh. Aha, no, silly! I'm 32 years old. You got the numbers backwards, ahahaha!"

That's something an 8-year-old girl might say, not a 32-year-old woman. Anko frowns behind her sleeve as she wipes her mouth clean. Being reminded of her acquaintance's age sure puts things into perspective.

"Yeah well, I dunno if he told you—it's unlikely he would—but Orochimaru's like, 54? 55? Somewhere 'round there. That's twice your age, almost."

Aina tilts her head, her smile easy-going yet steadfast. "Oh? No, he didn' say nothin' about his age. But that's okay."

Anko keeps forgetting that the former needs to have basic social concepts that most everyone should know on instinct explained to her in frank and explicit detail. Sometimes repeatedly. She bites back a mirthless snicker and points a cleaned skewer at her. "Okay? Let me put it in context: when you were just barely out of your mom's vagina, he was going out trying to get in other girls' vaginas. Doesn't that bother you at all?"

Anko is fibbing, of course. To be accurate, partying and womanizing were always—and to this day still are—Jiraiya's thing. By both Tsunade's and his own accounts, the days of Orochimaru's youth were less hedonistic: staying at home in the basement making up jutsus, coming out on occasion only to bail out Jiraiya or Tsunade, or both, when they got into some drunken shenanigans. Or fights. Or both. If nothing else, it gave him an excuse to take said jutsus out for a test drive.

Aina knows none of this, of course. It would make no sense for one to know of the exploits of three celebrities they have never so much as heard of before. Never mind the mystery of how they could possibly have gone without hearing about them.

"Wow, really? Hmm…he said he was a doctor but he never said he was a gynecologist in particular. And to be so accomplished from such a young age, too. Neat! I should ask him 'bout that later. Ahahaha, why would that bother me? Do whatever you want if it makes you happy, it helps people, and it ain't making nobody unhappy. You do you."

Fuck me. You have no clue. And now I'm wondering if it's worth filling you in.

Kichida is older than her and yet her intellectual capacities are beneath most of the kids'. Even Naruto is smarter than her. It's depressing, in a way. Anko throws the thought over her shoulder along with the skewer before she makes herself too sad to keep up the conversation. It ultimately may not go anywhere given who she's talking to, but she's got to try, at least.

"But—but, he's an old man so he probably can't get it up anymore! That's another thing! Doesn't that bug you a little?"

Aina laughs, shrugs and beams at her friend. "Oh Anko, you're so funny! Whatever he has trouble liftin', of course I'd be there to help him out, whether we were dating or not. He jus' has to call me. That's what neighbors are for, don't you know. Anyway, what's it matter if he's a little older than me? We're both adults, ain't we? We're both mature adults who like each other. My Papa was 35 years older than my Mama and it didn' bother them, none."

Anko slides her hands down her face and pulls down her bottom eyelids in the process, aggravated. She remembers Mrs. Kichida-Kocchar well enough; she knows the Mr. only through photographs and stories provided by Aina herself. They were as plain and peculiar as their daughter and positively prehistoric. They were more reserved than Aina and refused any acknowledgment or reward for their charity, but there could be no mistake where she'd inherited her generosity and proverbial green thumb.

It's been four years since her mother died, twenty since her father had. For a while Anko was unsure if Aina would make it on her own—maybe that was another reason she'd taken her on, being so accustomed to not having parents to depend on herself—but so far she's been all right. As all right as someone like her can be, at least. If nothing else, she's one of the most chipper folks in the Leaf.

She'll be damned before she lets Orochimaru destroy her. It doesn't matter if he hasn't done anything evil since moving in with Guy. That proves nothing to her.

Aina's still chattering away, leisurely swaying in place. "Besides, I've always liked older people. Now I like all people, of course, but older people are so sweet an' calm an' wise. Like Tsunade! She's the bestest," she coos with hearts popping in her eyes.

Ha. You clearly haven't spent enough time with the Fifth Hokage if your opinion of her is "sweet and calm and wise."

Anko folds her arms and sticks out her tongue. "Gross. You really are a weirdo, Kame. And if I were you, I wouldn't let Lady Tsunade hear me call her old…"

Aina hums with gentle curiosity. "Say, Anko. You sure seem to know a lot about Orochi. Are you two friends?" she asks, tickled by the prospect of her best human friend and her date being related in any way. She couldn't explain why if you asked her, but somehow she can see that being the case.

Oh shit. Have I said too much?

Anko blows a long, deep raspberry at the idea. "Me and Orochimaru? Yeah, right!"

Once again, she forgets Aina's incompetence in sarcasm. Apparently she ignores the raspberry preceding her answer. "Aha, that's great! So how close are you two? Did you, um, used to date?"

Anko's head inflates to three times its normal size, her eyes turning blank with disgust and fury. "WHAT?! Ew, no! Seriously, that's the first place your mind goes? And after all that talk about how I think he's too old for you! I'm friggin' younger than you, or didja forget? Get your head out of the gutter!"

"Sssssh. Please don't shout. You're hurting my ears…"

"Aw whoops. Sorry, I didn't mean to," Anko blurts, immediately lowering her voice in kind as sweat condenses on her cheek. Aina is the only person she would ever apologize to for being loud. You'd have to be a total asshole to keep shouting at a person like Aina, and while she has never pretended to be perfect in any way, Anko prefers to believe she isn't a total asshole. She is not Orochimaru.

"No. We've never dated. Never in a trillion years."

Aina takes her hands off her ears and clasps her hands together to tap her fingers. "Phew. That's all you had to say. A-and my head is right here, attached to my neck. The gutter is outside on the roof. Ooh! That reminds me, it's about time to clean it out again…gotta put that down on today's to-do list."

She takes this time to do just that: she fishes out a small dog-eared notepad and flips it open to the next blank page to jot down her note. "S-so, how do y'all know each other, then? If you know how old he is an' that he was a gynecologist, you must be very close."

Great. Anko has dug herself into a hole. Sometimes she wishes Aina would go along with things without question. How is it possible for someone to be so trusting and ignorant and yet so nosy at the same time?

She throws up her arms. "Ugh, fine. You got me. He used to be my teacher." There. That should do it. It's the truth, minus the gruesome details.

Just like that, the stars return to Aina's eyes. "Wow, you're another one of his students? That's so neat! Orochi must be a very popular teacher."

I guess so, depending on how you look at it…

"Can you summon snakes, too?"

"Uh…yeah." Anko prefers to keep work relatively far away from her slow friend. She's too soft to know the hardcore duties and exploits of a kunoichi. Let her keep playing with her radishes and making dango for her.

Aina claps her hands. "Ah! Orochi can do that, too! He musta taught you, huh? Jus' like he said he's gonna teach me. Yippee! We can all practice together! Wouldn't that be nice?"

Anko gives her a partially forced chuckle. "Did he say that? Gee, I dunno. You're not a ninja, so it may not be possible for you to pull off…why would you wanna learn how to do that, anyway?"

Shrug. "Because I like snakes. And it's okay if it turns out I can't do it. I'd still like to try. Ooh-ooh! Speakin' of snakes, the Reptile and Amphibian Appreciation Club is havin' its first official meeting next month, after the holidays. I'd love to see you there as a fellow reptile-lover!"

Anko swallows. Oh crap, that's right. Aina's starting a herpetology club. The first meeting was supposed to be last week or something, and it's only now that she remembers promising to be there. She'd honestly forgotten all about it. If she's rescheduling it, then no one else must have shown up, either. Anko doesn't know whether to take any consolation from this fact. Snakes are cool and all (save for one), and she likes to think of herself as an expert on them by now, but it's not like she spends her free time studying the rest of the reptiles and amphibians like Aina does. She has better things to do.

Aina has no business learning forbidden snake techniques, especially from Orochimaru. It'd be a slippery slope for total corruption, no matter how you look at it. But how can she dissuade her without saying too much?

I could sabotage her efforts…assuming she even could make an effort in the first place.

"While we're waiting for next month, I'm gonna make a banner for the club! I wanna put a toad, a turtle and a snake on it—no! Two snakes, curled together to make a heart-shape! I think I'd like to use Manda as a model! Oh Anko, you should see 'im! He's a big beautiful purple python-viper hybrid that is Orochi's friend, just like how Masa is my friend."

Oh, I know Manda, all right. Anko snorts, "Well hey, while you're at it, why don't you ask Gamabunta and Ningame to pose as models, too?"

"Who?"

"You know! Oh wait, no, you wouldn't know. Gamabunta is a toad and Ningame is a…turtle? Tortoise? I don't know, never could tell the difference between them. They both look the same to me. My point is, you can ask Naruto and Might Guy to call on those two if you wanna draw them."

Aina gasps at this wonderful new information. "That's a marvelous idea! I'd love to meet those two, and the Reptile and Amphibian Appreciation Club is always looking for new members. Yep, I think that's what I'll do! Naruto and Mighty Guy work for Tsunade, right? I'll talk to her this afternoon on setting up an appointment with everyone. Aha, this is gonna be so much fun!" She bounces up onto her feet, remembering then that there's work yet to be done.

As she picks up the cup to wash it for later use, she asks another question: "So Anko, how come you were saying earlier how I shouldn't see Orochi? Are you worried about my intentions, like Kimimaro?"

The latter grunts uneasily. Believe me, it's not your intentions I'm worried about. "Forget it. I just think it's weird for someone I know to be going out with an old teacher of mine, that's all. But if you're really into him, and he's into you…who am I to interfere?" she lies through her teeth. "Thanks for breakfast, Kame."

Aina beams. "You're welcome! Also, before I forget, it's very easy to distinguish a turtle from a tortoise. Tortoises spend their time on land and have dome-shaped shells, an' turtles spend most of their time in water and have flatter shells." To illustrate her point, she uses her pointer fingers to draw in the air a dome for a tortoise, and then a surfboard for a turtle.

Anko stands up and stretches her arms over her head. "Thanks for the tip."

If anything positive has come out of this conversation, her stomach is full and, strangely enough, her neck and shoulder don't hurt nearly as much as they did earlier.

The sooner she can get a hold of Lady Tsunade and pull the plug on this nonsense, the better.

…

It so happens that the Fifth Hokage has come to work with a few aches of her own, more so in the head and the wallet. Shizune, her ever-faithful assistant, greets her with a tall glass of water, crackers and two pills of aspirin. "Good-morning, Lady Tsunade. Feel any better how that you've gotten a whole day to sleep it off?"

Her hazel eyes slide over to the other, slightly less glazed and bloodshot than they would be without the nap. "G'ugh," is all she can manage.

Shizune titters. "I'll take that as a yes." The snake in the village is going to have to be addressed soon, but she'd rather do that after Lady Tsunade has rid herself of her pounding headache. She has no illusions of her taking this news well at all drunk or sober, but to take it while wrestling with a hangover? She runs the risk of levelling the village, if not the entire country. Taking a breath, she loops an arm around Tsunade's back and helps her into her seat, which Tonton dutifully pushes out to her with her head.

"You know, Lady Tsunade, if you ordered a glass of water to go with your sake, you could avoid feeling so hungover the morning after." Or you could just not drink so much, she thinks, but is wise enough to refrain from saying out loud.

Tsunade grumpily munches on the crackers, swallows, tosses the pills into her mouth and downs the water in one sitting. Decades of practice has made her an expert at drinking fast. "Yeah, right," she grumbles, more coherently this time. "Life's too short to settle on water."

"Um, pardon me, but I said 'with your sake,' not 'instead of sake.' If you alternated between water and sake, you could replace the fluid you lose when drinking straight alcohol and—"

"Yeah, yeah, that's all well and good, Shizune. I'll remember it next time I go out."

Translation: "I'm going to forget all about it as soon as we move on to the next topic and utterly fail to learn my lesson."

"Let's just get today over and done with. What's on the agenda?"

Shizune sighs and hands over today's stack of documents. "Well, er, there's that trip we need to make to Kusa."

"Oh, right. The Grass Village. Why do I have to go again?" the Hokage asks, rubbing circles into her temples as she waits for the aspirin to take full effect. "Never mind. I guess that means I'll need to pick someone to fill in for me while we're gone. I think Konoha will be best left in Kakashi's hands, don't you?"

"I would agree, my lady, but Kakashi is currently out on a mission. He isn't expected back until after we come home."

"Oh. Then I'll appoint Shikaku as substitute Hokage."

Shizune frowns. "I'm afraid Shikaku is out on a mission, too."

"What? Are you serious? Who's the idiot that sent everyone out on missions when I need them here?"

"Er…forgive me if I speak out of turn, but that would be you, Lady Tsunade."

Tsunade rests her jaw in her painted hands and huffs. "Yeah, I know. That was a rhetorical question. Okay, so then who's free?"

Shizune gulps behind her hand. There is another jōnin on Kakashi and Shikaku's level who is available. But after this recent stunt of his, she is unsure if it would be wise to leave the whole village in his care. Oh, she is not looking forward to this.

"Well, there is Guy, my lady. He's free. Except—"

BANG!

The women jump up at the sound of the door being kicked open, and in barges who else but Anko Mitarashi. "Lady Tsunade, we've got a problem!" she shouts, a hand tightly gripping the doorway.

The other two are used to this sort of hyper-energetic behavior from her. Nevertheless, the eldest of the three rolls her eyes. "A problem? Aw come on, it's way too early in the morning for this…"

"Wh-what is it, Anko?" inquires Shizune, the knot in her stomach warning her of what the latter has to say.

"It's Orochimaru! He's back!"

"Orochimaru, you said? Him again? Ugh…I'm sure Guy's team can handle him. They've beat him off dozens of times before."

Tsunade's feelings toward her ex-teammate are very mixed. At one time fairly close, things quickly turned sour between them when he'd started dabbling in grotesque experiments for the purposes of unlocking immortality. He used to be so menacing. Nowadays, for reasons unknown to anyone, he's little more than a pest, crawling out of the woodwork at least once a week to ruin everyone's day. She's got more important things to worry about than his petty drama. Like the Akatsuki, for instance.

Then again, alcohol-induced headaches make it difficult to even have the lights on, never mind assess the full danger of having your evil ex-teammate slither around in your village again and act accordingly.

"No! Lady Tsunade, it's serious this time!" barks Anko. "He's living here, now! Him and Kabuto! Guy took him into his team and everything. Says they're 'rehabilitating' him with the 'power of youth,' or something."

Shizune hastily picks up a shaking Tonton and tucks her under her chin in cover. Oh Lord, the fuse has now been lit. She can see it in the bright red aura that flashes around Tsunade.

…

…

…

Outside the Hokage's office, the school grounds rattle under the force of her mighty roar:

"WHAAAAT?!"

…

"What do you mean, he's been staying here since last week? Why the hell didn't anyone bother to tell me?!" With every step the Slug Princess takes, her heels leave holes in the ground 6 centimeters deep. Women who can run in heels and not get them caught in holes or grates are to be feared. In other words, every woman in the Leaf Village, but Tsunade most of all.

"That's all my fault, my lady," says Anko with a bow of her head, racing to keep up with her on her left. Shizune briskly tags along on her right. "I thought I could take care of the problem myself, but he's as stubborn as he ever was." Every now and then she reaches back to clutch at the junction between her neck and left shoulder. He's close.

Shizune gasps in dismay. "Oh no! If he's been here every day since last week, then Anko, you…"

"Aw, don't worry about me. I'm tough. I can handle a little pain. It's Kame I'm more concerned about."

Tsunade, squinting against the intense sunlight that characterizes a typical day in the Land of Fire, is too caught up in her outrage to hear this last remark, loudly cracking her knuckles over her subordinate's words. Orochimaru is going to pay for making her come outside with a pounding headache.

"Ah! Over there!"

There's the old snake bastard leaning by the entrance to the men's locker room, arms folded and smile as smug as Tsunade remembers it. What sort of malicious mischief has he gotten into today?

Guy and Tenten stand opposite him, both pinching their noses as Rock Lee and Neji step out of the showers, both of them shirtless and with towels draped over their shoulders. "No good," grumbles Neji. "That's the fifth shower in a row and I still reek. I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to get this smell out."

Lee, preferring to look on the bright side of things, takes a whiff of his armpit. "Oh, I do not think we smell that bad. Not as bad as before. I am getting used to it, actually…"

Tenten glares at the rouge sannin. "I'm not. No thanks to you, Orochimaru."

"I've said it once and I'll say it again: I had no idea you were hiding in those bushes. And it's not my fault we happened to get all bad eggs."

"Sure, you didn't. Alternatively, you knew very well we were there and we just can't prove otherwise," retorts Neji.

"I burned my hand, didn't I? In any case, it should make us even," he sniffs. (Although if you asked Orochimaru, getting even would entail no less than the utter obliteration of these brats and everything they love and hold dear.)

"Hey, I wear bandages on my hands, too. If we wrapped some around your other hand, we could match! We would be like brothers!"

"No."

"Now, now, everyone. We as Leaf shinobi are not about getting even," says Guy. "We're about being fair. For now, let's give Orochi the benefit of the doubt and congratulate him on a successful first date. Forgive and move forward!" He holds out his arms at his sides and grins. "How's about we hug on it?"

Lee doesn't hesitate to race into Guy's arms. The other three, on the other hand, share brief and contemptuous glances with one another only to each look the other way with arms folded. With the number of times Lee and his mentor are prone to embracing on a given day, Orochimaru has to wonder if they share some kind of energy link that requires them to hug each other so much. Maybe they've got magnets in their heads where their brains would be?

"Come on, everyone!" wails Lee. "If we never put aside our differences, nothing will change."

Before anyone can make a cynical joke out of this attempt at a love-fest, a thundering voice cuts in and rattles the hall from the ground up: "Orochimaru! What the hell are you doing here?"

Oh, great. I was hoping I wouldn't run into her this soon. But that's my luck for you.

Putting on his most equanimous smile, he faces her and her posse down. "Ah, good morning, Tsunade. Long time, no see. I was wondering when I'd get to see you again once I moved here."

She jabs a finger at him, and he notes with very slight apprehension the vein throbbing on her hand just under her fair skin. "Don't you 'good morning' me! What's the meaning of this? Is this some kind of joke? 'Cause if it is, it's not funny!"

"It's not a joke, Lady Tsunade! Orochimaru is turning over a new leaf," exclaims Guy. Everyone in the hall groans at this terrible pun. Except Tsunade, who grits her teeth. "He came to us renouncing his past ways and wishing to start over as a good ninja. So we're here for him as his hot-blooded guides!"

"Yes, his guides!" Lee testifies.

"You mean you two are here for him," grouches Neji. "Tenten and I were sort of dragged into it by association."

Guy is many things but he is not a liar. Tsunade knows this. Somehow this makes the situation even more absurd and awkward. She never thought the Noble Green Beast could be that stupid. Ooh, she could just punch both their lights out right now! "And you believed him? After everything he's done, you believe him?"

"That's exactly what I said," mumbles Tenten off to the side.

"Everyone has a capacity to change," says Guy semi-solemnly. "No one is the villain in their own story. No one is evil for pure evil's sake. Orochimaru wouldn't come right out and say he was wrong unless he truly realized the truth in his own cold heart and wanted to atone for it. So yes, I do believe him."

"Waaah-hah-hah-hah! Beautiful! Succinctly and eloquently put, Guy-sensei!"

Tenten usually follows up comments such as this by calling out her team for their idiocy, but this time her idol beats her to the punch, in more ways than one. "Just what have you been putting in your protein shakes? Never mind, I'll just have to beat some sense into you two instead! HAAAAAAA!"

"Go get 'em, Lady Tsunade!" hails Anko from behind her, kicking herself inside for being unable to bring Orochimaru to justice herself but happy to see it being dealt by none other than the mighty Slug Princess.

At least until, as Tsunade charges at the lot with the speed and force of a bullet train, Shizune yelps, "My lady, look out!"

The kids get up along the walls out of the way, and in all the commotion, no one but Shizune notices Aina toddle out of the men's locker room, having just cleaned the toilets inside. She's humming a merry tune to herself and wearing her earmuffs. She has a very low tolerance for any loud and/or sudden noises, including the flush of a toilet, and so it's common to see her with her muffs on while she's working (which, now that he's seen this, helps Orochimaru understand what she may have meant when she said the Leaf was quiet and peaceful).

As such, she is blissfully deaf to the drama unfolding around her, as she usually is, and fails to see Tsunade storming up from her right.

Because the first thing she sees upon popping out is her man on the left. Just like that, she lights up inside and out, drops the bucket of cleaning supplies at the threshold, and dances directly towards him with a twirl on her heel. "Oi, Orochi! Good mornin'! How's your hand?" She instantly reaches for his left hand—the one that isn't currently tender and bandaged up—and with her back turned to the Hokage inadvertently puts herself between him and her as a human shield.

By the time Tsunade realizes this to her horror, she's already thrown out her fist and cannot draw it back. She instead has to settle for the next best thing: swerving sharply to the left and thrusting it through the wall. Her grudge is not with Aina.

THUN-KRSSSH!

It's a miracle she does not bring the whole building down. Only a section of the wall the size of Chōji. Who, as coincidence would have it, happens to be just on the other side when all the debris clatters to the floor. Everyone (sans Aina, off in her world) can look into the hole to see him frozen on the bench with his breakfast. His hand hovers over his open mouth clutching a potato chip, shivering with as much terror as Team Guy.

"H-hey! What's a guy gotta do to eat his breakfast in peace around here?" he protests.

"Oh, um, good morning, Kame," Orochimaru answers back, trying not to wince at the monstrous crack Tsunade's fist has made upon impact. "My hand feels much better today, thank you."

"What?"

Since she's got his left hand gripped in both of hers, he lifts his right to gesture to his ears.

"Oops! I plum forgot 'bout my earmuffs. Ahaha, I'm so silly!" she laughs, louder than is typical of her since she is momentarily deaf. She lets go of him to slip off the muffs and let them hang around her stump of a neck. "Now what were you saying?"

"My hand feels a lot better today. Thank you for asking," he repeats, as much as he hates to repeat himself. Oddly enough, he catches himself sounding a little more genuine this time around with his gratitude. Perhaps because he's somehow just evaded getting punched in the mouth by Tsunade without having to do a thing. He's been punched by her before. It's not fun at all.

"Great-great! Orochi, I got a wonderful idea for the club. I'm designin' a banner for it, and I'd like Manda to pose as a model. Would he like to do that for me?"

Right. Her club. In all this excitement, he'd forgotten all about it. At the very least, he needs to play along to keep her infatuated with him. "Manda? A model? I don't see why not. He's a vain one. I'll take it up with him." He takes this moment to conjure up an image of his summon lying saucily across a bed a la Manet's Olympia, with Kabuto showing up behind him with flowers.

"Yippee! Thanks, Orochi! I can't wait to get started drawing him. I could kiss you."

He's not exactly comfortable with the gesture, but he does need to look like a good boyfriend (date, gentleman friend, whatever) in front of everyone else. "Well, what's stopping you?" he invites, impressed with himself for not stuttering even under these pressing circumstances.

"Well, you're s'posed to ask permission first before you give a person hugs-n-kisses."

"Er…I meant to say, go right ahead. Kiss me, Kame."

"Oh! Heehee, don't mind if I do! Mwah!" He's treated to her smell again as she leans in and rises up on her toes to peck the tip of his nose, a hand on either of his shoulders. Cue a long gushing string of "Awwww!" from Lee and Guy.

Everyone else just looks ill. Especially Tsunade, who looks like she's ready to have a stroke.

"I'm gonna talk to Tsunade about commissioning the other models I need. We can set up a time for Manda once I know when they'll be available. We can meet under the oak tree for lunch to talk more about it. Okey-dokey?"

"Yes, that sounds doable. Actually, what a coincidence, Tsunade is right behind you." Anything to distract the Hokage.

Aina slowly spins around to smile at the princess. "Oi, howdy, Tsunade! Huh? Holy frogs! Where'd this big old hole come from? It wasn' there before. My goodness!"

Aina forgets to address anyone by their proper titles, preferring to call everyone by their first name. The staff and faculty tried at one time to correct her but eventually gave up on it when they realized it wasn't sticking. Really, how could they expect anything else from someone who can only name one of the people whose faces are carved into Hokage Rock—that being Tsunade herself?

"Uh, um, good morning, Kame. Sorry, that was me. I had an…accident?" Everyone else is well accustomed to Tsunade's fits of temper. Aina is not.

"Oh dear! Are you awright, Tsunade?" Aina bounces over to her with hands open to her. "That's mighty big, that there hole. Are you hurt?"

"No, yeah, don't worry about me, I'm fine. Physically, at least…"

"What?"

"Nothing. If you could please patch it up for me when you get time, I'd appreciate it."

"Ah, sure thing, friend! That's what I'm here for. I'm gonna put that on today's to-do list right now." As she takes out her notepad and writes down the errand, Aina takes this time to submit her own request. "Say, Tsunade. I'm makin' a banner for the up-n-coming Reptile and Amphibian Appreciation Club and I'm lookin' for models. Animal models, I mean. Anko told me that Naruto and Mighty Guy have animals I can draw."

Tsunade glances at the proctor in question, who quickly clarifies. "She's talking about Gamabunta and Ningame, my lady."

Guy perks up—as though he could be any more perked up than he naturally is—and flashes a thumbs-up. "Sure, I can ask Ningame to pose as a model for you! Just gimme a date and time, any date and time! We're always free."

"And I do not see why Naruto would not want or be able to summon his toad for you. I see him just about every day so I will pass the word on!" Lee volunteers.

Tsunade glowers at Guy. The fact that she's not currently beating the snot out of him doesn't mean he's off the hook. But for now, she must address Aina's inquiry. She takes a deep breath. "Shizune, are either Naruto or Guy set to do any assignments between now and…when did you say you wanted to do this?"

"Ah, I'd like to meet 'em all Saturday at my house. Then we could all have lunch afterwards, my treat. Thursday is lucky but I'm goin' on another date with Orochi that day," Aina explains, totally oblivious to the lines of disgust crinkling the corners of the Hokage's eyes.

The words "Orochi" and "date" simply do not go together in Tsunade's diction, or that of most rational people. It's like trying to divide any number by zero: it's enough to break one's brain. Just when did that happen? How? Why? One is liable to miss out on more than they think when they sleep through a hangover.

"Fine. Shizune, what are their schedules between now and Saturday?"

"Neither Naruto nor Guy have anything lined up at this time, my lady," replies Shizune uneasily.

"It's settled, then. They're all yours for Saturday, Kame."

Aina claps her hands. "Yippee! Thanks, Tsunade!" She extends her pinky finger on her left hand, which Tsunade wraps around with her right to seal the deal.

"Ooh! Here, before I go back to work, I got something for you. Hold out your hand."

Tsunade hesitates but ultimately complies, whereupon Aina drops a small, smooth yellow stone into her palm.

"Oh, it's—it's a rock. Another rock…"

Aina eagerly nods. "Yep-yep! I found it on my way to work today. It made me think of you, because you are like the rock that supports everybody in our village. Look! It's even shaped like your head. Like a heart."

Tsunade averts her eyes, a faint blush filling her cheeks. "Uh…thanks. I guess. It'll make a good, um, paperweight. Just like all the other ones…"

Kichida has been giving Tsunade little trinkets ever since she started working for her, for what reason the latter knows not. Mostly rocks she finds laying around while on her walks or crops from her garden, occasionally a jar of her homemade fungus tea. Tsunade doesn't particularly care for rocks or radishes or fungus in themselves but she has yet to find the heart to ask her to stop. It's just another one of the produce woman's many odd but harmless rituals. She does it with everyone.

Besides, the rocks do come in handy when she needs something hard to throw at a person she's displeased with. Like Guy or Orochimaru.

"Heehee, you're welcome! Well, now that that's all set, I'm off to clean those gutters. Then I'll get started on fixin' the wall. Everybody please try to stay back until I can get this cleaned up. Have a nice day, Tsunade! You too, Orochi! Mwah!" She blows a kiss in the other's direction before dancing her way around Tsunade to find cones to put around the hole, so no one goes near the debris and hurts themselves.

As soon as she's gone, it's back to negotiations. Tsunade clenches her fist around the stone, making it a point to let the two men see it in case they were wondering if they were still in trouble.

"Did she just blow you a kiss? Or kiss you at all?"

Orochimaru steels his nerves. "Your eyes don't deceive you. At least we know you're sober now. Yes, in case this was your next question, Kame and I have just started dating." Why didn't she give him the rock? It's not like he's crazy about rocks either, but he's the one Aina is seeing, not Tsunade. Plus, if you asked him the stone is shaped more like a snake's head than Tsunade's.

On second thought, why does he even care about that, all of a sudden?

"You don't think he's brainwashed her, do you?" he hears Shizune whisper to Anko, who half-shrugs in reply.

"Wouldn't put it past him, although Kabuto said that wasn't the case. It's equally likely that Kame's just that stupid."

"Anko!"

"What? You know it's true. Not long ago I tried to tell her about his age to get her to not like him anymore. You just saw how much that worked to change her mind."

"What about my age?" he snaps.

"Relax, old man. Nothing I said mattered to her. She still thinks you're hot stuff," Anko growls.

"You! And you!" Tsunade jabs her other hand at Guy, who is starting to look a tiny bit less cheerful. Not that he is at all easily cowed, but when it comes to intimidation, Lady Tsunade is in a league of her own.

"Both of you, in my office! Pronto!"


	8. Orochimaru Is One Smooth Operator!

"Awright, let's start over from the beginning. I wanna know when and how this…thing came about, and most of all why the hell no one bothered to ask for my input. And why do you boys smell so bad?"

Too furious to sit down at this point, Tsunade instead stands at her desk with one hand on her hip and the other propping her up on the surface of the furniture. Shizune stands along the wall to the Hokage's left with Tonton cradled in her arms. All relevant parties to this trial stand in a line before her from left to right: Kimimaro, Kabuto, Anko, Guy, Orochimaru, Lee, Neji and Tenten.

"It's a long story," grumbles Neji. Tsunade doesn't possess much patience for long stories.

"Orochimaru. You've got a lotta brass to stroll back into this place like you're still welcome here. The only reason I'm not tossing you through any walls right now is because we don't have the money to rebuild the school from the ground up if I did."

But she can blast a Chōji-sized hole through the men's locker room and then leave it for someone else to clean up. That's perfectly okay.

"Whose fault would that be, Tsunade?" the accused shoots back, concentrating deeply so as not to let apprehension shake his words or the corners of his lips, but rather anchor both with his sharp sarcasm. It's unlikely that Aina will show up again to shield him from his ex-teammate's wrath, although she has so far demonstrated a penchant for popping up at the most random (yet strangely convenient) moments.

Anko puffs up with anger and jabs a finger across Guy's face. "You watch your mouth! This is the Lady Hokage you're speaking to, buster! Just because she's showing you a little mercy doesn't give you the right to talk smack. 'Specially when you totally don't deserve it. Have some respect!"

A vaguely nostalgic chuckle bubbles up from Orochimaru's throat despite the situation that he holds back by sealing his lips. To think that almost two decades ago, Anko would have said those same things in defense of his honor, or at least what honor she'd believed he had at the time even in the increased absence thereof. As much as he could do without this shouting in his ear, a part of him also can't help but derive a speck of satisfaction to see how little she's changed from the last time he'd seen her.

For a moment, he almost feels bad for letting the girl go. Almost. But that's another burned bridge not worth the effort to fix, provided there was anything salvageable left, to begin with.

"Please, Tsunade, control your guard dog, won't you?" grumbles Kabuto, a hand cupped over his ear.

Anko responds to this by reaching around the back of his head to yank his exposed ear as hard as she is able, earning a dog-like yelp from the rogue. "That's Lady Tsunade to you, Helmet-head!"

"Enough. That'll do, Anko. I'll take it from here," assures Tsunade, a ghost of a smirk tugging the corners of her coral-pink lips. It quickly vanishes when she turns to face Team Guy. "Well? I'm waiting for my answers."

"N-not to make any excuses, Lady Tsunade, but we didn't think he'd stay this long," explains Tenten. "Honestly, I was expecting him to get overwhelmed at last week's speed-dating party and rage-quit, like he always does."

"I do not!"

Neji looks at his teammate with a raised brow. "What's that? You're still not over being wrong? Perhaps you enjoy being the straight man more than you let on…"

Tenten's cheeks burn and inflate with irritation. "What? That's not it at all! There's just a certain order to things, even if everyone around here likes to act like it doesn't exist."

"I don't disagree. If there was no such order, where lies the point in being the straight man?"

"Didn't you hear me? Just you wait, something's going to go awry any minute now and then we can get back to our lives!"

"It makes sense that your equilibrium's been upset," says Kabuto, pushing up his glasses. "Playing the straight man is all you have going for you in either this series or canon."

"Hey, hey! Let's stay on topic, all right?"

Guy steps forward, deciding to take it from here to provide the sorely needed explanation and be Orochimaru's advocate. The latter lets him speak on his behalf. After all, he's his best ally so far and for obvious reasons no one is going to want to listen to what he says alone. Although he could stand not to have the hyper-energetic man's muscly arm wrapped around his neck and pressing his nose dangerously close to his sweaty armpit like they're best friends. He didn't like it when Jiraiya did it and he dislikes it no less now.

Personal space is a small price to pay for maximum manipulation.

"It's exactly as I said," the Green Beast declares, jabbing a finger over Tsunade's head and out of the window towards the brilliant blue sky. "Orochimaru came to us pleading for the chance to start over with the village and be friends with us all again."

Is that what I said? Yes, I suppose I did. More or less. He remembers making up the cheesiest and most cringe-worthy lines just to squeeze out some tears. Tears and sentiment are the language Lee and Guy are most fluent in.

"Now? After all this time?" asks Tsunade, her stance unyielding.

"Better late than never, if no one minds my saying so," pipes up Lee, his large black eyes shimmering with optimistic conviction. "After he told us his hopes and dreams about being a normal ninja again, we concluded that the best way to begin to realize them would be to have him start dating."

"You mean you concluded he should start dating," says Neji. Honestly, sometimes Orochimaru wonders what he and Tenten are even there for except to be the closeted transvestite and straight man respectively. Rock Lee and Might Guy pretty much are the team. The other two are hood ornaments to their muscle cars, at best, present only to distract from the smell of their sweat and burning passion, and even then it's in vain.

"That is how he met Kame. Shizune, you were there! Surely you saw everything, too?"

Tsunade narrows her eyes at her assistant, who quietly gulps. Not that she wouldn't like to see the woman happy, but if she had foreseen Orochimaru attending the party, let alone catching her eye, she would have never encouraged Aina to go. "Yes, it's true. He was there. But he was so off-putting, I didn't think he'd find anyone. For some reason he thought bringing Manda along was a good idea."

"A-hem! I'm standing right here! And for the record, bringing Manda was Lee's idea."

"That is all correct! We have been watching them interact every day and they really are hitting it off! Orochi, would it be okay if I confessed that I may be a teeny-eeny bit envious? Because I am. But in a benevolent way! It just makes me that much more determined to get Sakura to acknowledge me."

"I still can't believe you fell for all that bull," mumbles Anko, cramming her hands into the pockets of her jacket.

"And Kabuto and Kimimaro? What are they doing here? Especially Kimimaro. Seriously kid, the last I heard about you, you were dead."

Kimimaro squares his shoulders and stands as straight as possible, refusing to be intimidated even by Lord Orochimaru's arch-enemy. Or at least one of them. "I was. But Lord Orochimaru was kind enough to grant me a second chance and resurrect me, along with the rest of my team. Kabuto and I are here to support him, as should you. He has so much to offer this village."

"Uh-huh. Yeah. Reanimation. With forbidden jutsu, I'm sure. And still you've got the nerve to say you've changed…unbelievable!"

Orochimaru shrugs. He's going to have to speak up for himself at some point lest the Leaf nins become that much more suspicious of him for being too passive. What a delicate balance to maintain. "It's not that different from the technique your granduncle made up. Come now, Tsunade, as much as I do wish to come back, it's not as if I can change completely overnight. That'd be like asking you to quit drinking or gambling cold turkey. That wouldn't be fair."

The princess is absolutely flustered, now. "G-gambling is one thing. We're talking about being flat out evil and rotten to the core, here! Why the hell should I trust your word instead of tossing you out the window this instant?"

He reaches a hand under his hair to push it back behind his ear. "Well, I've changed my mind before. Is it so unreasonable to humor the notion that maybe I could change it again, especially if this villain business isn't working out for me? Besides, I don't think Kame would like it if she saw you throw me through the window. Heh, I doubt she would think so highly of you anymore after that…"

Everyone's eyes are on him, showcasing many emotions. Kabuto wonders if he's deliberately trying to sabotage his own plan or is simply talking out of his tail as he tends to do.

"Excuse me? Yeah, right. Like you give a damn what she thinks. You've never cared for anyone except yourself," Tsunade rumbles.

Scowling, Kimimaro steps forward to defend his master's honor, only to have Kabuto block him with his arm and a warning look. The last thing they need is to start a brawl in such a small space with little room to escape.

"You know, Lee's right. While it hasn't been that long yet, we've been getting along quite well. You saw that for yourself. I don't expect you to care so much about me or my feelings, but it would surely break her heart if she couldn't see me again. I don't remember you being so tyrannical. Unless…you're envious because I'm seeing someone at all and you're still alone."

Oh. Snap. Everyone braces themselves.

"Tyrannical? Envious? Get out! I'm the Hokage! It's my job to do what's best for my people. Don't like how I do it? Tough shit!"

The air boils around her with her sheer fury as she hops over her desk and stomps up to him, her fist again raised up to eye level—

"Oi, Tsunade, I'd like to ask for your—oh! Hello there. What're y'all doing?"

It's like a valve has been opened that leaks the pressure out of the room. Everyone turns to see Aina propping the door open with her shoulder, tapping her fingers in front of her. Kabuto facepalms. "Oh great, her again…"

Aina's mouth morphs from a smile to an O-shape. "Huh. Why're ya holdin' up your fist like that, Tsunade?"

"Um…I…I'm testing Orochimaru's reflexes! Yeah, that's it! I'm checking his eye reflexes by moving my fist towards his face. If he blinks, then his reflexes are fine." She starts to move her fist closer to his face, but slower this time, without making contact.

Blink.

Tsunade withdraws it, figures she should get some kind of lick in, smirks, and then juts it back out a little faster this time just to see Orochimaru flinch. Again, without making contact. Her ex-teammate bites back a yelp.

Blink-blink!

Satisfied (though not nearly as much as she would be if she could hit him), Tsunade pulls back and fakes a smile. "Good! You've passed this part of the exam. As you all know, a good shinobi's gotta have lightning-quick reflexes. Can't be slow in any way."

Aina tilts her head, her thick, dark, curly mop of hair bobbing about like the float on her fishing line. What a peculiar way to check a person's eyes. It almost looked like she was going to hit him. No. Tsunade wouldn't do that. Besides, Tsunade is the world's leading medical expert. When has she ever been wrong about these things?

"Is that right? You're interviewin' Orochi for a job. Aha! Marvelous! He did say he's been meanin' to get a job as a ninja. Ooh! Orochi, if you get hired, then Tsunade would be the boss of both of us. An' if we got the same boss, then we'd be working together. An' then we could see each other every day! Yippee!" she cheers with clasped hands, unaware of the aura of revulsion coming off of everyone in the room.

Barring Lee and Guy, of course, who give the couple their blessings with two thumbs-up. And Kimimaro, who for some reason stares at her hands like they are two shoots of a plant he has never seen before and is unsure if they are poisonous.

And, to his own puzzlement, Orochimaru. He reckons right after that thought that it's because he's dodged another assault thanks to her interruption. It would seem Tsunade keeps a tighter lid on her temper around Aina, probably so as not to distress her. She's not a ninja. If Tsunade weren't careful, she could rip through the poor woman like tissue. Hmm…

"You gotta hire Orochi, Tsunade! You just gotta!" she urges, bouncing on her feet like a child who's just come home with a small animal and pleading with her mother to let her keep it, no matter how ugly or dirty it is to the latter. "He jus' moved here an' wants a job. He's a very hard worker, and skilled at many things."

Kabuto and Anko exchange looks despite their mutual animosity. "Is she talking about a different Orochimaru?" the former deadpans. "She must be." Orochimaru fires a glare in his direction. Traitorous buffoon.

Needing no invitation, Aina taps her nose and elaborates on his skill set: "He can cook eggs, an' pull out snakes from his sleeves, an' teach kids, an' he's a leading expert on herpetology, an' a sannin…"

Everyone refrains from mentioning that Tsunade would know all these things already, being one of the Legendary Sannin herself. Or if it does cross anyone's mind to speak up, it's quickly forgotten as soon as Aina follows up with:

"…an' also a gynecologist. Ahaha, and that's all just the things I know, so far."

A scandalized hush falls over the room and drains the color from everyone's faces. Except Orochimaru's, but only because he's naturally bone-white and has no color in him to drain. "Do I even want to know?" says Tsunade under her breath, hiding her face and straining her brain to deter the images that threaten to seep into it.

The hairs on Orochimaru's mortified head stand up. "Wh-where did you hear that?"

"Anko told me. She said you been doctoring since you were in your 20's. We got us a prodigy, that we do. Say, would you look at that! She and Kimimaro are here. You two must be here to recommend him, being old students of his and all. My goodness, ain't that nice. Oh! You too, Kabuto. Howdy-do!" She waves at the bespectacled younger man. He doesn't return the gesture.

"Say, I didn' get the chance to say so last time but I like your name very much. It means 'helmet' but it also sounds like the tinkle a cowbell makes when you ring it. Kabuto-Kabuto-Kabuto-Kabuto!"

Cowbell?

In spite of the previous awkwardness, Orochimaru has to stifle a chuckle behind his hand. That woman says the darnedest things. As long as they're at someone else's expense and not his.

Kabuto's left eyebrow twitches as he pushes his glasses possessively up to his face. How dare she? Something about the syrupy sweet, shamelessly silly and totally un-ironic way she gushes about his name, and his master—his master, not hers—has him spouting smoke from his nostrils. Why can't she see she's unwanted? Can't she take a hint? Those goody-goody Leaf ninjas aren't helping the problem at all by letting her waste all their time with her rustic rigmarole.

All three Sound nins stare at Anko, who clears her throat and whispers out of the left corner of her mouth, "She misconstrued something I said about you in the locker room. You gotta admit, it's kinda funny." She snickers. "But that could be because it's you this is happening to."

What could she have possibly said that would make Aina draw that sort of conclusion?

…

On second thought, would he rather not know? All he has to know is that it was a lie. A bald-faced lie. Whatever it was, it's clearly done nothing to make Aina any less fond of him. Never mind. He'll clear it up later. For now…

Orochimaru smiles and waves at her. "Well, thank you for your support, Kame, dear. I do greatly appreciate it. It's more than I can expect from certain others, apparently."

A woman he's known for barely a week is showing him more support right now than a man he's known for years, saved, took under his wing. Ingrate. What, is he still mad at him for the time they'd temporarily split up and separately tried to infiltrate Team Guy? He can't help it if he had a point to prove. He's always been stronger than Kabuto. Kabuto wouldn't even be here without him!

Speaking of skills…

Tsunade rolls her eyes and tries to get the conversation back on track. "Kame, was there something you needed? Did you finish cleaning the gutters?"

Aina blinks at her. "Oops. Aha! Yep-yep. I mean, nope. I mean, yep on needin' advice, but nope on the gutter bein' cleaned. I need your advice on a very important issue. We got us a little nest tucked up in there. Looks like some newlywed crows liked it enough to pick it as the place to raise their new family. It's blockin' the pipe, but I dunno if I should move it or leave it be. Thought I oughta get a second opinion."

"What? That's the big problem you barged in here to tell us about?" snaps Kabuto. "Don't you think your Hokage has more pressing matters to attend to than a crow nest?"

Under different circumstances, Anko would clunk him over the head. She'd love to see a nice big bright red hematoma rise up from the man's hair like a flame through ash. But since Aina is watching, she settles on a more covert attack: a pinch on the thigh. "Who asked what you think? If Kame thinks it's important, then it is," she says, smirking at the way he jumps five centimeters off the floor with his hand shielding the back of his leg.

Tsunade frowns. Anko isn't wrong but neither is Kabuto. Aina's priorities have always been…different than others'. "Aw. A nest, huh? I'd love to help, really I would, but I'm a little busy right now. With this, um, interview. Sorry, Kame. But you can take it up with Shizune, if she doesn't mind."

"Never, my lady. That's what I'm here for. Please, let's go outside."

"Oink-oink!" chimes Tonton.

"Oh. Okey-dokey."

Shizune, relieved to be granted an exit, bows to her mistress and ushers Aina back out into the hallway with Tonton still in her arms. Before she can close the door behind them, Aina waves to her man. "Good luck gettin' the job, Orochi! Ain't no way you couldn'. I'll be thinkin' happy thoughts for you. Mwah!"

Orochimaru reaches up to catch the kiss she blows to him before pocketing it. For the sake of keeping up appearances more than anything else, mind. Normally he would be irritated about not being the center of attention—and having the spotlight stolen from him by a bird's nest, no less. (Nowadays the mention of birds and nests conjures up images of his deeply unpleasant last encounters with the Uchiha brothers, none of which he'd like to dwell on.)

But all this twiddling around has helped him hatch another idea. If he can't appeal to Tsunade as a friend, then he can appeal to her as the Hokage.

He really wants to stay in Konoha.

For his evil plan to work, of course.

"I think I'm about to throw up," groans Kabuto, clutching his stomach once the doors shut behind him.

"You and me both, Helmet-head," mumbles Anko. With the exception of Guy, Lee and Kimimaro, the sentiment echoes in the thoughts of everyone else in the room, even if they don't put words to it.

"She is right about one thing. Ignoring everything else for the moment, I do have a certain set of skills you may be interested in."

"Skills? You still have those? Color me shocked," Tsunade taunts with a hand over her breast. It's the first time all morning that she's laughed, but there's no trace of jest or even amusement in it. Only bitterness.

He grits his teeth. "Of course I do! Let me reiterate." He counts them off on his fingers. "I'm still a sannin like you and Jiraiya; that hasn't changed. I'm an expert at espionage and camouflage, and I mean real camouflage. Just ask the brats how many times they encountered me in disguise and didn't recognize me."

Lee taps his cheek. "Gee, I do not know. Let us see…there was that time when you tried to lure us to your water park…then that time with your hot spring…you even passed yourself off as Gaara, and Guy-sensei, once—"

"All of which were pretty ridiculous in hindsight," remarks Tenten. Neji nods in agreement.

"Ha! You heard them! Numerous occasions! And still so many more they wouldn't be aware of because I'm that good at going undercover. Then there's my vast expertise in the sciences that I'd be happy to share with you if you let me. Plus, I've got a number of elite ninjas under my thumb, like Kimimaro and Kabuto, who you've met.

"Not to mention my equally vast intel on countless missing-nins. Like, say…the Akatsuki. Or Sasuke, for that matter. It's no secret how much you miss him. You only talk about it every episode in canon."

He prudently omits the fact that sometimes he catches himself missing Sasuke, too. For all the grief he's caused him. That boy was, and is, something else.

Another hush falls over the room, this one injected with the sort of apprehension people may feel towards an offer they'd prefer to refuse but for whatever reason find they can't quite do that. Tsunade folds her arms across her chest and stares him down. "What and how would you know about the Akatsuki?"

Yes. He's got her attention, now. "When you get kicked out of your village and branded a criminal, you get lots of time on your hands. You see places, you meet people, you try things. I was in the Akatsuki for a while, in fact. And, not to brag, I'm also the only person who's ever successfully escaped from them, with all their dirty laundry."

"Wow, Orochi! You stole the Akatsuki's laundry? What would you want with their clothes?"

"I mean metaphorical laundry, you bushy-browed eyesore. I'm talking about their secrets, their weaknesses."

"Did you escape because of any legitimate skill on your part," asks Neji, "or is it because you're simply not worth even their time?"

"The former! Don't you Hyūgas have any manners? Ahem. As I was saying, I can help you stop them, and more. Much more. All I ask for in return is a single chance to prove myself to you."

But Tsunade wouldn't be Tsunade if she fell for gilded words that easily. "And why the hell should I trust you? You could be lying, for all I know. You're not exactly the most honest guy I've ever met."

"Are any of us, really? We're shinobi and kunoichi, after all. But if I am lying, then you can do with me whatever you wish. You just said so yourself. You're supposed to do what's best for the village as the Hokage. Well, I'm the best means you're ever going to get for reaching that end. If nothing else, at least consider that."

…

"Fine. If you still can't trust me, why not put the three of us on probation? I'm already being supervised by Guy's team and living with him. And I see Anko's already appointed herself as Kabuto and Kimimaro's babysitter."

"Babysitter?" Anko and Kabuto protest in unison, only to freeze, glance at one another and then turn abruptly away.

Hook, line and sinker.

Tsunade takes her turn to clench her jaw and glances at her feet, begrudgingly contemplating his deal. It's strange. For a moment, he almost sounds like his old self. His canon self. She's not sure whether to be afraid of this or…

"Hn. You'd be right. I still don't trust you."

Anko pumps her fists in the air. "Yes!" Though he dares not give voice to his agreement, Kabuto sighs with relief. Finally, someone is making sense in this wretched village—

"Which is why I'm gonna give you six months."

Both Anko and Kabuto crash down on their bottoms. At the same time. Again, shouting in unison: "Whaaaaat?! No way!"

"Hooray, Orochi can stay!" cheers Lee, diving in to pull the elder into a hug. Orochimaru swallows the urge to knock the boy away and accepts the rib-squeezing gesture, but he doesn't return it. Even if he wanted to, Lee has clamped his arms under his.

"Hold on, everyone, let me finish. I'm giving you six months to clean up your act. Not a day more, not a day less. Might Guy may be your foreman, but he answers to me like everyone else here, so I'll be your boss. You'll do every assignment I give you under supervision, with or without pay, and we won't put up with any of your lazy petulant bullshit. You won't be allowed to return to Oto unless you ask me permission first, and if for whatever reason I give the okay—like you could count on it—you'd be making the trip supervised, and then coming right back here. This all goes for your two cronies over there, too.

"You only get one, count it, one chance, Orochimaru," says Tsunade, holding up a single painted finger. "You screw me over one time, you betray the village one time, you hurt one person one time…all bets are off. I'll kill you, myself."

"Hmph. Get in line," he says sourly.

"Oh, I'll be in line, all right. Since I'm Hokage, I'd get first dibs." In case there is still a trace of doubt about the sincerity of her threat, she cracks her knuckles as loudly as possible for everyone to hear.

Orochimaru holds up his arms in a shrug to throw the fear off his back. What reason has he to be afraid? He can go for six months putting up with these losers, without doing anything evil. He always did like challenges, although honestly this is the most determined he's felt in too long of a time.

"You really shouldn't crack your knuckles like that, Tsunade. You could damage your joints, that way. In fact, at the frequency you punch things, it's a wonder you haven't yet."

"Hey, watch it! You're gonna break your probation before even getting out of here if you keep shooting your mouth like that," scolds Tenten.

Tsunade brushes him off. "No need to rile yourself up. I'll let that one slide. Insults aren't adequate grounds for expulsion, especially not lame ones. If they were, no one would be left in this village. When Shizune comes back in here, I'll have her write up the contract. Paper is always more reliable than word of mouth."

In theory, at least. But Orochimaru passes up the chance to comment on it. He's in. He's still got it. It's so hard not to break out his evil laugh. He'll have to hold it until he can be alone. If he'll ever get to be alone from now on.

Her narrowed hazel eyes rove over to Kabuto and Kimimaro. "Now, before we get this written down, about you three…"

"They're living with me right now, my lady," says Anko. "We're like our own little team. It hasn't been an easy first week but we haven't killed each other yet so that's gotta count for something. They won't start any trouble as long as I'm around."

"Lady Tsunade, if I may get a word in. I understand if we're prohibited from privacy when speaking to Lord Orochimaru, but I'll have to ask that you not separate Kimimaro from me. When we lived at the Sound, I was in charge of his health," says Kabuto. "No offense, but he trusts me the most out of everyone here, after Lord Orochimaru, of course. Apart from that, we agree to the same terms as Lord Orochimaru."

Kimimaro nods once, his expression stoic.

Tsunade grunts. "All right, I'll grant you that much. Anko…"

"My lady, if you're worried about whether I can keep these two on their leashes, don't be."

"No, that's not it. Your mark…if you're feeling pain again, the seal the Third Hokage put on it may be weakening. We need to re-apply it. Or else…"

The two women glower at the man responsible for that mark.

"What? You want me to come up with an easy way to remove it? I don't suppose anything is impossible, but I'm going to need access to my laboratory," he sniffs. "And subjects." Really, it's a shame that Anko never used the gift he left her with. If she could survive receiving it in the first place, who knows how much more she could do?

Anko shakes her head. "Forget it. I want nothing to do with you as it is. I've seen what you do in a lab. We don't trust you, never mind that much. I'll just ask Kakashi to re-seal it when he comes back. But Lady Tsunade, what about Kame? She…we can't let her keep seeing him! We just can't!"

For Anko, this is like having your next-door neighbor going out with your psychopathic asshole dad who you haven't seen or spoken to for almost 15 years.

"What are you, her mother?" scoffs Orochimaru. "I think that's something she can decide on her own."

"Oh yeah? I don't remember you being the type to let people make their own choices. Then how's about on the next date you guys go on, you tell her how much of a bastard you really are? I bet she won't be so keen on you then," Anko challenges.

Provided that Kichida isn't as dense as she acts.

Hm. Kichida is sweet on Tsunade. She doesn't exactly keep it a secret (apart from Tsunade, that is). Perhaps Anko could—

No. That would never work. Tsunade only likes men. Specifically, one man. Not to mention the way too tall pedestal Kichida has the Fifth Hokage on. It would be a plain disaster all around. Besides, matchmaking is not Anko's specialty. Orochimaru is. Specifically, getting rid of him. Yeah. She needs to focus on beating Orochimaru. Forget finding Kame someone else, for now. They'll cross that bridge later. Leave that detail to the kids.

Or maybe not. They'd probably set her up with another psychopath in a misguided attempt to "redeem" that guy, too.

It may or may not be his place to speak up, but decorum has never stopped Guy when he has something to say. "Hold on! I appreciate your hot-blooded investment in Orochimaru's growth but these things can't be rushed."

Anko's right eye twitches. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Please don't misunderstand me. Orochimaru will have to disclose his past to Kame eventually. We would just like to put forth the stipulation that he be allowed to reveal his checkered past in his own time, after he and Kame have gotten to know each other better."

"Tell me you're not being serious," groans Anko. What is it with men and their stupid short-sighted ideas?

"Guy-sensei is always serious! And so are we! Besides, it is unlikely he will relapse into villainy as long as we are watching him."

"Lady Tsunade! Knock some sense into these two, won't ya?"

Tsunade, more conspicuously than she intends to, pulls Anko off to the side. She whispers into her younger subordinate's ear, "Listen. I don't like this any more than you, but I honestly don't expect Orochimaru to last six months here. Do you? I will admit it's vaguely impressive that he's made it for a week, but six months? Nah. Stay within the terms of the truce, but otherwise do whatever you can to get him out of here faster."

Wow. Damn. Do these fools really not fear or respect him at all anymore? It's like he's invisible. No, like he's non-existent. He wants to hiss at them, lash out at them, command their attention like he used to. But he doesn't. Orochimaru doesn't know how but he bites his tongue this time. This must be a trick to get him to break his probation. It has to be.

When and where and how did he go wrong?

Sasuke. Probably Sasuke.

Things haven't been the same since they met in the Forest of Death. It'd been a barrel of fun for a while, but now he's off with Karin, Suigetsu and Jūgo doing who knows what and he's stuck here with no new body and no Sharingan to show for his efforts. Where could that boy be now?

Oh, damn it. Now he's pining for Sasuke, too.

Tsunade and Anko break up and resume their intimidating arm folds. "All right, fine. I'll grant him that much. Obviously I'd prefer that you didn't wait until the honeymoon to talk about it."

"No, no, I promise you, I won't take that long," he says, waving his hands in front of him as leisurely as he's able. "By the time we were to get married—not there's any rush to do that, needless to say—we'll be on the same page."

"Great. Then your first assignment is to go down to the locker room and patch up that hole in the wall."

"What? But didn't you just ask Kame to do that?"

Tsunade sneers at him. "Yeah well, she's a little occupied right now with a certain bird's nest in the gutter. Besides, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have had to punch a hole in the wall in the first place. Remember, you're on my payroll now. So snap to it," she orders, snapping her fingers to emphasize her point. "You're all dismissed. Except you, Guy. You too, Anko. You both stay put."

Kabuto sighs. "So we've been relegated to custodial duty. Of course. Come on, Kimimaro. Let's go find some plaster and enjoy the peace while we have it."

"Yay! Another bonding activity with our new comrades!" exclaims Lee. "Awaaaaay we goooo!"

…

Tonton somersaults and tumbles about the women's feet as they discuss the third big issue of the day. "I see. That is a problem, Kame," says Shizune, nodding thoughtfully. "A very…sensitive one, at that."

"That it is, friend. The nest has gotta be moved but I don't reckon Mama-n-Papa Crow would much like that. They built their nest there for a reason. I wouldn' like it if somebody moved my house from its spot. Oh, I'll bet there's eggs in there. I didn' get the chance to see," Aina explains, tapping her fingers and swaying on her feet like she's dancing to an imaginary breeze.

For someone with so values peace and quiet, Shizune can't remember ever seeing her still. She's like a small creek: slow, steady, easy, the direction of her flow (if there is one) only she knows. But never truly still, unlike the rocks she loves so much.

"Er, well, you have many birdhouses at your house, don't you? Maybe you could build a special box, fix it above the gutter and put the nest inside it? You're very good with your hands."

Aina blushes. "Aw, shucks. It ain't nothin'. Just doin' my job. Aha, that's a great idea! I'll make a box with an arch cut into the bottom to let water flow under it, an' a roof to keep the sun and rain off their little heads—baby birds are born bald, don't you know—and a perch for Mama-n-Papa Crow. Oh. But Shizune, I have so many other chores to do today. It's gonna take me a whole day to put it together. And I need to speak to the new parents before I can go on with it."

Shizune's smile is warm but doubtful. What on earth would someone like Orochimaru want from someone like Aina? She still can't figure that out. Poor Kame. Whatever she may feel about him, it's unlikely to be mutual. That snake doesn't care for anyone except himself. He hasn't had that capacity in decades.

"There's always tomorrow to clean the gutters if you can't get around to it today. And we can always get someone else to start fixing the hole in the men's locker room."

Aina puckers her lips. "But…I promised Tsunade I'd do all those things for her. I never make promises and not keep 'em. Nope-nope-nope."

"It's okay, Kame. We know how important the birds are to you. They should come first. You won't be letting down—I mean, disappointing anyone. Remember that we're a community. No one person shoulders the load."

Some individuals would disagree with this, but they are not present at the moment.

Aina briefly shuts her eyes to cradle that wonderful word in her mind and all the comforting images it conjures. Community. "O…okey-dokey. Lemme make a new note." She pulls out her notepad to jot down her new project above the other two tasks. "Then, if it's okay, I'm gonna go get some wood an' nails an' trail mix. Wood an' nails for the box, trail mix for the crows. Animals get along better when you feed 'em. So do people, don't you know. I reckon they'll like berries and walnuts and peanuts most," she ponders out loud, scratching her left cheek. "Are you sure I can go?"

"Of course," Shizune assures her with a bow. "Thank you for all the help, Kame. We do truly appreciate it."

Aina smiles back before kneeling down to give Tonton a radish when she catches the pig sniffing about her legs. Just then, the doors to the Hokage's office fly open. The women turn to watch Rock Lee marching out with a giant grin plastered over his bright face, with Neji, Tenten, Kabuto, Kimimaro following suit. Orochimaru shuffles out last.

"Aha! Howdy, Orochi. How'd it go?"

He stops to look back at her. "Oh, you're still here."

"Yep! I was just about to go to the hardware store. So how'd it go with your interview? Did you get the job?"

"R-right, the interview…yes, I got the job, just like you predicted."

The stars return to her eyes, and she claps her hands in delight. "Aw, yippee! That's marvelous. Congratulations, Orochi! I knew you could do it." She stands up and waddles over to him with outstretched arms. "I'd like to hug you. Can I?"

He grits his teeth and thinks to say no, only to catch Shizune glaring suspiciously at him from out of the corner of his eye. Damn it! Why couldn't he get stuck with someone less affectionate? "Darling, I'm all yours," he answers, faking a smile and opening his arms to her in return. "You did help me to win her over, after all."

"Yeehaw!" Before he knows it, he's being squeezed against 165.1 centimeters and 75.2 kilograms of warm fat flesh and thick wiry black hair and the earthy stink of sweat and peasant labor. She holds him rather tightly, almost like this is the first hug she's gotten in years and he's the unfortunate soul offering her it who's realized this too late. He's not used to intimacy.

He holds his breath and waits it out. It's for the plan. It's all for the plan. He's suffered far worse duress than this.

Kabuto turns up his nose, snorts loudly for him and looks away with arms folded. Kimimaro glances uncomfortably between his fellow Sound nins and says nothing.

Aina gently pats his back five times—of course—before finally letting him go. "I'm so happy. Now we can see each other every day, Orochi. We gotta celebrate! I'm gonna get some materials to build a nursery box for the crows. Wanna come with me?"

"Ah, sorry, Kame, I can't. The Hokage was so impressed by my résumé and my charms that she decided that I needed to start my job immediately. I'm going to fix that hole in the wall by the locker room."

"Hmph. Sure, she was," mutters Shizune.

"Wow, really? You'd do that for me? Golly, you really are neat, Orochi! Thank you," she says, taking his hands into hers and ignoring all the dirty looks fired their way. "Now I can concentrate on helping the crows move their nest. Let's meet up for lunch so you can tell me all about it."

"Weren't we going to do that anyway to talk about Manda?"

She giggles. "Yep, I ain't forgotten that. It jus' gives us that much more to talk about. Ooh! I can even pick up more eggs for you on my way back."

"Mm-hm. How thoughtful of you. But you needn't worry about me. I brought my own lunch today. Unless I say otherwise, I would assume that to be the case every day from now on."

"Okey-dokey, but you know I wouldn't mind feeding you a'tall. What are friends for?"

"What is this I'm seeing?" says Tenten. "These two are supposed to be dating but it sounds more like some kind of bizarre business deal…"

Neji shrugs. "You could argue that dating and marriage are business transactions in themselves. I believe some develop professional careers exclusively based on them."

Tenten grimaces. "Ew, not that I wasn't aware of that but you don't have to sound so cynical about it."

"It's Orochimaru we're talking about. What else am I supposed to make of it?"

"Ugh. Yeah, you've got a point…"

…

"I don't believe you, Guy. I just…I can't. I simply cannot. Do you realize I've gotta leave the village soon for a business trip? I was gonna ask you to fill in for me while I was gone—and mind, that was only because Kakashi and Shikaku can't—but after this stunt you've pulled now I don't know if I can even trust you with the job. I might just have to cancel the trip altogether."

Guy frowns. "Now we both know you can't do that, not on such short notice. With all due respect, Lady Tsunade, I may get a little carried away sometimes…"

"Feh. Little, hardly."

"…but I would never do anything that I knew from the start would endanger the village," the Green Beast insists, pointing a thumb towards himself. "Orochimaru does sincerely wish to make amends, and I will continue to support him until he gives me grounds not to. He's been getting along great with me and the kids so far."

He lowers his voice as much as he's able, which is to say quite negligible. "Besides, when was the last time he did anything legitimately dangerous? I don't know why, but I don't think he has the capacity anymore."

Tsunade maintains her scowl but she can't think of an argument good enough to refute him at this time. Her headache has only just started to go away (or is another one coming on? Some days she can't tell). "Yeah well, if you're gonna busy yourself with babysitting him, who am I supposed to make interim Hokage in the meantime?"

Anko momentarily glances at her shin guards before shooting back up to face Tsunade. Normally she'd prefer not to have so much responsibility. Being Hokage is honestly a sucky job no matter who you are, despite what you may hear from kids like Naruto and Konohamaru. Well, maybe not so much these days, but their reckless ambition still exists.

But if Tsunade can't trust Guy with the job, and if Kakashi and Shikaku can't be here to do it…

Actually, on second thought, maybe being Hokage for a couple of days would be kind of fun? She's got to make the best of a crappy situation somehow. If she can't use her temporary power to make that old bastard leave outright, perhaps she could at least make him and his cronies squirm a little?

"You know what? Screw it!"

She lunges forward, squarely planting a foot on the edge of the desk. With hands firmly clutching the lapels of her jacket, she declares: "I'll be substitute Hokage!"


	9. Lady Anko, The Fifth-and-one-half Hokage!

Usual nonsense aside, the day decidedly ends as a success for everyone. Orochimaru has more firmly secured his place in the village. Team Guy secures their new teammate and pet project. Anko, with some not-so-gentle persuasion, secures her spot as substitute Hokage, thus securing for Tsunade the lack of excuse not to—sorry, securing for her the means to keep her appointment.

But Aina goes home the happiest of everyone, pleased to have managed to convince the crows to let her build a box for their nest. She never quite liked to argue. But luckily animals (and people) tend to be much more flexible when you feed them good food. Yes, indeed! Today has been a good one. Just like yesterday, just like tomorrow will be. Everything the same.

Well after dinner and the sunset, and just before bedtime, Aina sits at the table with her muffs over her ears as she slowly and lightly taps the final nail into her newest craft. Hold the nail in place so it don't go in crooked…be gentle but firm to your nails…yes, Papa…aha!

She sets down her hammer and holds up the box over her head to examine her handiwork. Beaming with satisfaction, she turns to Minori and Masa, who are lounging on her left. "Well now, what do y'all think of this one?"

It's lovely, Aina. I'm sure the crows will love it.

Eh. It's all right for a birdhouse.

Snakes are not ones to care much for others' affairs unless they directly affect them. Turtles are slightly more caring, but still prefer to keep to themselves.

Aina giggles at her companions. "Thanks, y'all. Just need to stain-n-finish it an' then it'll be all ready to put up. Oh, dear! Tsunade's gonna be leavin' first thing tomorrow for her business trip, and Shizune-n-Sakura are goin' with her. Which leaves Anko in charge of all of us for the next few days. I'm gonna pack 'em a picnic lunch while the stain dries," she announces, pulling in the cans of wood conditioner and water-based wood stain/finish sitting across from her. The stain/finish is natural color, as the crows had requested. By the front door, a window is cracked open for ventilation. It's not too cold yet outside. Tonight the breeze is cool and quite pleasant.

This may sound like a lot of work to do just before bedtime, but Aina is too excited to sleep, anyway. Sometimes she feels so happy and productive that she gets too restless to go to bed at her regular time (8:00 pm), and channels these boosts of energy through cooking, cleaning and making things.

And why shouldn't she be happy? The Reptile and Amphibian Appreciation Club—or RAAAC, for shorthand—is finally coming to fruition. She has gained a gaggle of new neighbors and friends. She's got a wonderful new beau that she'll get to see every day…

"Ahahaha! Slow down, li'l lady," she says out loud, echoing a phrase her Mama would sometimes say to her. "It's only been a week. It's too soon to say we're boyfriend-n-girlfriend right yet. Ooh, but there ain't no denyin' it's sure lookin' that way, yep-yep."

Minori tilts her head to the left, doubtful. I…don't know, Aina. Mating for humans is different than for us turtles. We don't form pair bonds like you do. Many of us don't even settle on one mate in a nesting season. But something about your gentleman friend unsettles me…it could be his pointy teeth, and his eyes. Humans don't typically look like that. His pupils are slits. Doesn't that mean he's venomous?

"Oh, his eyes? Aha, I been thinkin' maybe those were contacts he wears 'cause he loves snakes so much that he relates to them. And the teeth are dentures. When you spend lotsa time with animals you love like I do with you two, you start to pick up their habits, don't you know. Though it would be really neat if they turned out to be natural. Anything's possible, I reckon. I'll hafta ask him."

Masa flickers her forked black tongue. Oh Minori, you should know that you can't judge humans like you can other predators. Besides, pupils aren't everything. Now if you really want to know if he's venomous, look at his anal scale. If he lets you, that is.

Easing out of her coil, she slithers up Aina's right arm and briefly lifts her tail. See how mine has a double row of scales after it? A venomous cousin would have a single row after theirs.

Other animals are less concerned about hiding their anuses than humans.

"Heehee! Oh Masa. Of course I knew that. But for Orochi to have an anal scale, he'd have to be a snake himself, silly. And he isn't. At least, I don't think so…though if he was, I don' reckon I'd mind, none."

In Aina's world, magic and science are one and the same. By day, Mama and Papa would teach her about the plants and animals outside; by night, they would lull her to sleep with fanciful tales of gods and goddesses and spirits and people who could turn into animals, or animals who could turn into people. Many of them also looking for friends. As a little girl, she would sometimes wander about after completing her chores to look for these magical folks for herself.

For instance, when she was six, she'd once heard a story about a prince who was turned into a frog against his will. The curse on him could only be broken by true love. Aina, always eager to help and make a new friend and naturally inclined to play with critters, spent the next few days after that looking for frogs to kiss, hoping to help a prince—or princess, or even just an otherwise ordinary person like herself—regain their original form.

Her search turned up nothing in that regard, but she did gain a new appreciation for frogs, and by extension, all animals. Because that was the time she discovered she could speak to them like she could speak to people. After that, rather than chasing after them, she could just ask a frog upfront if they would like to be kissed. All of them had politely denied being enchanted, and sounded quite content to live as frogs even if they were.

Masa leisurely crawls up Aina's arm to settle into a coil around her thick neck, a gesture which never fails to bring a smile to the woman's face. She lifts her head, beady eyes glowing. You could always ask him later. Anyway, I disagree with Minori. I for one like him! He'll make a fine and powerful mate for you. You want someone like that on your side.

"Oh, Masa. I don' like to think of it like it's a business deal, but I'm glad to have your blessing, anyway. And don't worry, Minori. We've only just begun welcomin' Orochi into our lives, but so far he ain't been nothin' but nice. You ought not judge a fellow just by how he looks. It's what he does that matters. Give it a little time. You may be pleasantly surprised."

Minori blinks and turns her head to the right in dubious contemplation. Well…all right. I will continue to watch him.

Aina nods, pleased with Minori's accommodation, and gets up to take both of her companions to her room for their bedtime.

Once she's gotten them tucked in, she resumes her seat at the table and pops open the can of conditioner. Conditioner always goes on before the stain and finish and must be allowed at least 15 minutes to dry before applying the latter two. She dips her brush and begins to stroke it along the edges of the birdhouse, working her way from the roof to the arches on the bottom. Her strokes are slow, long and deliberate, like most other things about her.

As she often does when working, she begins humming. It's "Love Song™" once again. She'd heard that song last week the day after she'd met Orochimaru and, like him, it has been stuck in her head since.

Not that she minds. It's a welcome distraction.

…

"Oi! G'mornin', Tsunade, Shizune, Sakura, Tonton! G'mornin', Anko!"

At the doors of the Hokage's office, the kunoichi break from their debriefing to acknowledge Aina toddling up to them with a smile and a basket packed with lunch boxes bouncing in the crook of her right elbow. She's so sad about having to see them go, even when knowing they would return, but grateful to have caught them before they'd left.

The last time Tsunade left town without telling her—back when they had both just begun their jobs as Hokage and school custodian respectively—Aina had spent the following three days either waiting by the village gate or asking everyone where Tsunade had gone, when she'd be coming back, whether she had a place to stay and enough to eat. Almost like a child missing her mother. Or a mother missing her child. Aina has a strange tendency of alternating between the two personas, to the point of blurring the line between them. At least in the eyes of outsiders. Either way, Tsunade has made it a point to let Aina know when she's going out of town, since then. This is their ritual.

"I made a picnic lunch for everybody," she says, offering the basket to Sakura, Tsunade's apprentice. "But you can also eat it for breakfast if you ain't eaten already. I put your name on your lunch box so's you know which is whose. I made anko dumplings, umeboshi, and anmitsu for you, Sakura. Your favorites!"

"Oh! Thank you, Kame! How sweet of you," says Sakura, nodding her head in gratitude and beaming back at her. Sakura's smile is so very warm and pretty, leaving little room to wonder why so many boys in the village are head over heels for her, Rock Lee and Naruto most prominently.

"Hey! Where are my anko dumplings?" Anko cuts in teasingly.

"Don't you worry, I made some for you too, Anko. An' soup to go with it. Here." She pauses to pull out a brown paper bag to hand to her friend. "For you, Shizune, I cooked you some brown rice, and packed some carrots and radishes for you, Tonton."

The pair take their turn to express their gratitude. "Yum! All of our favorites! Thank you, Kame," says Shizune. "Very considerate, as always!"

Tonton waves her tiny hooves as she rests cradled in Shizune's arms. "Oink-oink!"

Aina giggles before turning to face Tsunade, hands clasped under her chin. "A-an' for you, Tsunade…I made grilled teriyaki seitan with steamed vegetables-n-rice. I also packed water for y'all in case you get thirsty. Ooh! And taiyaki with anko or sweet potato fillin'. Somethin' sweet!"

"Gosh, Kame! That's a lot of food," says Sakura. "You must've had to get up pretty early to make all this."

"Nah, it wasn' no trouble a'tall," Aina declares. She'd ended up not going to bed at all. She just couldn't find it in her to be tired, even after finishing the birdhouse. She does not tell them this, however. They don't need to know.

"Haha! Thanks, Kame! That's less money we gotta spend on meals, too," says Tsunade. Personally the Lady Hokage prefers real chicken, but seitan will do. Aina is a pescatarian. She won't go anywhere near meat or poultry, but fish is likely to spoil quickly on the road, especially with today's sunny forecast.

The reason she gave when Tsunade had once asked her out of curiosity about her tolerance for fish but no other meats: "Fish don't talk."

A peculiar answer, yes, but so is everything else but Aina. So like everything else about her, everyone lets it go.

"Awright, then! Ladies, I think we're officially ready to go. Expect to see us back in a week from now. Anko…"

Anko grins mischievously at her boss. "Heh-heh, I've got this. We've got this. You can count on us to hold down the fort in your absence, Lady Tsunade. In fact, I've already come up with a list of stuff for us to do to entertain ourselves while you're gone."

"Don't forget about the other things that need taking care of, too," Tsunade chides. "The less paperwork I have to come home to, the better."

"Aw, don't worry. I've got that covered, too." That's what her two new Sound stooges are for. And Lee's team.

Aina glances down at her bare feet and feels her arms beginning to stretch out before her, the request to hug her friends goodbye bubbling up in her throat. But Tsunade cuts her off with, "Later, you two! Let's move out!" She turns on her heels and walks away, beckoning the other two to follow her before Aina can decide whether to ask.

Oh. Never mind. They have a schedule much tighter than hers to keep, and they probably would have said no, anyway. They'd said no before. She would respect that. The picnic basket should suffice in expressing farewell. Besides, she has Orochimaru to give all the hugs to now.

Sakura, with her keen green eyes, must notice her half-hugging the air, because she stops to regard her with concern. "Kame, is something the matter? Do you need something?"

"Huh? Um…jus' wanted to say good-bye to y'all, is all. Have a nice, pleasant trip."

Sakura looks over a moment more but can't detect any hidden meaning behind her statement—after all, Kame is known for her many unusual and seemingly meaningless tics and everyone by now has come expect to take her word for it—so she beams at her again. "Oh! Thank you, Kame, we will!"

"Do…you have a first aid kit? In case one of y'all get hurt while traveling?"

The young kunoichi giggles. "Yeah, we do. We're all medics, so I think we'll be all right in that department."

"Oh…yes. I just wanted to be sure. Naruto-n-Mighty Guy are gonna see me today about drawin' their animals for our club banner."

Sakura frowns slightly at this news. Naruto and Guy are good people and all that, but they can be loud and obnoxious. It's bad enough that Orochimaru, of all people, has inexplicably decided to move back into the village and start dating her. The only reason she hasn't yet paid him a visit was because this development had been sprung on her so quickly, and Tsunade had insisted that it would work out in the end without having to use her brute strength. But she was free to do what she thought was right if it didn't.

She hopes those two don't end up overwhelming her, that they can dial it back just for today, for Aina's sake. "Is that right? Well then, you're in for a treat, Kame!" She dashes over to Anko to whisper into her ear, "Make sure those guys take it easy on her. Tell them if they don't, they can expect a pounding when we get back."

Anko nods in understanding.

"Anko…a-are you sure you'll be able to handle Orochimaru on your own?"

"Oh yeah. Not that I'll be all my own, I've got—"

"Sakura, shake a leg! We're burning daylight."

"R-right. Coming, Lady Tsunade!" Sakura waves a friendly arm over her head as she takes her turn to leave, clutching the basket in her other hand as she shrugs the straps of her backpack back into place on her shoulders. "Bye! And be careful, Anko."

Aina slowly reciprocates the gesture, her smile soft and sad. "Bye-bye. Anko, what was Sakura whisperin' in your ear, if you don't mind my askin'?"

Anko joins in on the waving, her movement much brisker. "What? Uh…oh! Sakura just suggested I put on the Hokage's hat, so everyone knows I'm taking over for the week." She mentally pats herself on the back for her quick wit. She was going to try on the hat, anyway.

Once their friends have disappeared from view, Anko wastes no time stuffing her snack into one of her coat pockets and donning the red and white hat with the kanji for "fire" printed on the front. Arms akimbo, she grins playfully at Aina. "So Kame, how do I look? Do I look pompous enough?"

Blinking, Aina turns to her and tilts her head. "Hmm…I must admit you do look peculiar with that hat on. But I reckon that's only 'cause I ain't never seen you wear a hat before. I wouldn' say you looked pompous, though." The smile returns to her full, dusky lips. "Matter of fact, I'd say you look rather nice in it. Darling, even."

Anko flaps her hand, smirking. She's not entirely sure about being called "darling"—that's not really her style and the Hokage is supposed to look "daring" rather than "darling"—but it's Kame. Everyone is darling in her eyes. "Aw, go on!"

"Okey-dokey. Not only that, but the hat looks kinda like an umbrella. It'll give you shade from both the sun and the rain. Very practical. Just like the Hokage, I reckon."

"Uh, yeah, that too."

"You want I should continue complimenting you?"

"Nah, no thanks. I think that's enough. I could listen to you tell me how great I am all day, but you know we both got jobs to do." And snakes to beat out.

Aina taps on her nose. "Ah, that we do. Well now, I'd best go an' put up that house I made for the crows. After that, I'm gonna clean the gutter, an' then go patch up that hole in the men's locker room."

"Oh, no need to care about the hole, anymore. My team and Guy's took care of it, yesterday." Anko rips open the sack Aina had put together for her and digs right into the first stick of dumplings she pulls out. "For today, I'd focus on helping the crows settle in and keeping your appointment with Naruto and Guy."

"Huh, really? Golly! Thank you, Anko! Would you an' Kabuto an' Kimimaro like to come to my house for lunch? I oughta thank you for helping me with that chore. It ain't easy patchin' up a hole in the wall."

"Mm, some other time," Anko replies, a little more hastily than she means to. Little does Aina know, Anko hopes to keep her as busy as possible so as to keep her apart from Orochimaru. Without her interference, Anko could make that bastard do every humiliating and menial thing she can think of. That should make him crack and give up his façade. Then they could kick him out, as hard as they pleased.

Yes. That's the only logical explanation for this radical change in his behavior. It's an act. Kabuto is Orochimaru's yes-man. Of course he'd lie to cover for him. Tsunade will be so relieved to come back to find the trash taken out at last!

Oh yes. She knows exactly where to put him today. She tips the hat over her eyes, a lingering grief trickling into her thoughts. To think that this hat used to sit every day on the balding, dandruff-ridden head of her old friend, the Third Hokage. Sarutobi-sensei. Orochimaru had screwed them both, and many others, over so terribly.

How could Tsunade ever think it's a good idea to welcome back the man who'd killed their teacher and the Leaf's leader? The man who'd tried to kill them both personally? What had she been drinking the night before?

Then she reminds herself of what Tsunade had said before they'd parted:

"Stay within the terms of the truce. But otherwise, do everything you can to drive him crazy enough to want to leave."

Anko reflects on her promise and cracks her knuckles with determination. She will pull no punch.

"Anko, are you all right? You've gotten all quiet…"

"What? Uh, nothin'. Just, uh, mentally going over the list of stuff I gotta do today." She briefly toys with the inkling to ask her to call her Lady Anko, but squashes it. Kame has never called anyone by their proper titles, not even Tsunade. She wouldn't want to scramble her poor already scrambled brain by forcing such a radical change in her routine. Having everybody else call her Lady Anko should suffice.

"Anything I could help you do? After puttin' up the crows' house, cleanin' the gutter, an' drawin' with Naruto an' Mighty Guy, I reckon my day'll be pretty free. Anything I can help you do?"

"I've got a friendly suggestion: perhaps you could go around all the toilet stalls and replace all the toilet paper so it's hanging over the roll rather than under?"

The woman glance back to see Kabuto and Kimimaro approaching them. Kabuto's narrowed black eyes slide down towards Anko's left hand clenched as a fist in her right palm. "I can't help but notice you've been cracking your knuckles an awful lot lately, Mitarashi," he says, clutching a paper cup of hot tea in his own hands. "I've read somewhere that cracking your knuckles is a sign of sexual frustration."

Anko glowers back at him. "Helmet-head. First of all, it's Lady Anko to you until further notice, now that I'm the Fifth-and-one-half Hokage."

Kabuto scowls. "I beg your pardon? Don't you mean, substitute Hokage?"

"No! The Fifth-and-one-half Hokage! It sounds more official putting it that way," she states matter-of-factly, folding her arms with extra authority.

Kabuto huffs. "To the contrary, it makes you sound even less official…"

"Yeah well, I'm your captain, and in case you forgot, you're in the Leaf now, not the Sound. I don't think you've got much of a say in anything."

"Wh-what're you talkin' about, Anko? Jus' 'cause Kabuto's new here, don't mean his opinions on things don't matter. Everybody's opinion matters here. The village is a family."

Anko freezes up, forgetting that Aina is standing right there and can hear everything they're saying. Whether she understands it, though, is another matter. Kabuto continues to glare at her, a knowing smirk playing with his lips.

"Uh…well…y-yeah, he and Kimimaro are family, now! The problem is, they're…they're just not initiated! Yeah, that's it! We haven't formally initiated them as Leaf nins, yet. Then they'll officially be considered family. That goes for Orochimaru, too. That's one of the things I was gonna do today."

"Aha, wonderful! I'd like to sit in on that. I can make snacks," Aina offers, clapping her hands. She always loved welcoming new neighbors.

"Uhhhh, I dunno if you'll be allowed to sit in for all of the rituals. Ninjas only. Super-sensitive secret stuff. You know how it is. But yeah, you can take care of the reception for after the fact. 'Kay?" Anko offers with a wink.

"Oh. Um, okey-dokey. Ninjas only. I understand," says Aina, a tad more quietly this time as she scratches the base of her neck. "Just be sure to let me know when-n-where…when you're able."

"Sure, whatever. You should go on and check all the toilet paper like Kabuto said. Which brings me to my second point! I find it interesting that you've been noticing me cracking my knuckles so much to begin with. Maybe you're the sexually frustrated one? It'd be no surprise to anyone if that was true, since you-know-who left you."

Kimimaro ignores his teammates' hostile exchange and instead nods to Aina, who is beginning to seem a bit left out in his eyes after Anko's rather careless rejection. Sometimes the less one speaks, the more they hear. For someone who's supposed to be her best friend and friendly in general, Anko doesn't treat her very well, does she?

"Good morning, Kame."

Aina perks up and smiles in turn. "Ah, g-g'mornin', Kimimaro! Mornin', Kabuto! I reckon in the meantime, I can check all the stalls, yep-yep. Although, I coulda sworn when I replaced all the toilet paper yesterday I put it over the roll. Aha, mistakes happen, I reckon. Can't say I ain't been a teeny bit distracted," she confesses with a blush. "Thanks for lettin' me know, Kabuto."

Kabuto resists the urge to gag. "My pleasure, Kichida."

"Oh Kabuto, you don't gotta call me by my last name. Aina's fine, but Kame's better. Everybody calls me that, don't you know."

"I noticed." Kabuto never could stand nicknames. His very name, Kabuto, is but a nickname, granted to him by Nonō and Urushi after the latter had put a helmet on his head to protect it from further harm, as if somehow the first bump he'd gotten on it had been his fault. His real name, whatever it might have been, has been lost in time and space due to circumstances beyond his control.

But he prefers not to think or talk about that point in his life. It's irrelevant, now.

Without that, nicknames are a sign of closeness and affection, neither of which Kabuto feels for Ms. Kichida. Nor does he predict he ever will. Unlike Orochimaru, he refuses to lower himself by feigning feelings for someone inferior to him, even if it is to ultimately destroy this wretched village.

Then again…what would they be doing right now if not wasting their time on this plot? Unlikely anything that much more productive, he concedes with a sigh. Ever since Sasuke left, Orochimaru has gone back to obsessing over Konoha's destruction like never before, coming up with one over-the-top yet petty plot after another. Kabuto would have thought that after spending all that time chasing after Sasuke for his body, he would be obsessed with getting even with that ungrateful Uchiha brat, rather than constantly trying to best the bushy-browed brat that can't even do ninjutsu or genjutsu (as he takes care to tell everyone every episode).

But apparently not so. No one can even say Sasuke's name in the lord's presence without triggering a tantrum from him.

And now they have to work with that nitwit Rock Lee and all his equally nitwit ninja pals every day for who knows how long until Orochimaru can find the perfect opening to launch his attack. Or he comes to what senses he still has and quits. Whichever comes first.

"K-Kabuto? Now you've gotten all quiet," comments Aina. "Is everybody okay?"

Hell no, the other three are tempted to say. But they all prudently bite their tongues and instead let the well-rehearsed lies flow forth.

"It's still fairly early in the morning, Kame. Not everybody's like you: they aren't too chatty when they just get up and eat. Give us some time to, uh, let us digest our breakfast. Then we'll be in a more talkative mood."

"Oh. Yep, that's understandable. Aha! Speakin' of chatting, I wonder if Orochi's here yet? I gotta see him about bringing Manda to my house. I'm drawin' 'im too, don't you know."

"Wh-whoa. You're gonna draw Manda, too? Kame, you do realize that toads and snakes don't exactly get along with each other, right? I don't think Ningame likes snakes either, now that I'm thinking about it."

"Huh? Y-yes, I know they don't. That's why I'm gon' draw everybody separately. But I need to let Orochimaru know what I'm doin'. Okey-dokey! Lemme just write up my list for today, and then I'm off to work." She pulls out her notebook to write/draw her personal reminders of today's tasks.

"There. Ha, y'all have a nice day!"

"Later, Kame," Anko answers, at this point finding herself increasingly unable to mask her impatience. Aina can be so damn slow sometimes, mentally and physically. If one were to play a game of Pictionary™ with her, everyone would have fallen asleep by the time she'd finished her drawing. After all, you can't yell at her to hurry up like you could at most of the other Leaf residents.

"You have a good day also," says Kimimaro, his two ponytails sliding off his shoulders as he bows.

Kabuto, more for the sake of meeting the bare minimum for politeness than anything, says, "Yes, thank you." His sarcasm would be wasted on her, anyway. He says nothing more until he sees her disappear down the hallway and around the corner, whereupon he takes his turn to fold his arms and ask Anko, "So what's this initiation ritual you have in mind? Whatever it is, I suspect that it's something you made up just for us."

Anko cracks her knuckles once more. "Maaaay-be. Don't forget, Lady Tsunade put me in charge. So you two jerks have to do everything I say. Heh-heh, and I mean everything!"

"You're doing it again…"

Kimimaro closes his eyes in steely determination. He'll do everything he can for his master, even obey this terrible woman. To think that she used to be one of Lord Orochimaru's pupils, herself. "Well, out with it. What do you want us to do?"

…

Speaking of Orochimaru, he shows himself to the break room to fix his breakfast. He can't be sure as to whether it'd been intentional, but Guy had taken the last of the eggs for his breakfast (smothered in curry), forcing him to stop on the way to work to buy a new carton. When he'd protested this, all Guy would say on the matter was since the eggs did not have his name on them, they were free for anyone in the house to claim. Not so different from how they ration food at Oto, actually.

So much for being a "nice guy." Or is that act reserved for everyone else but him?

"If you want eggs for yourself, you're going to have to buy your own and write your name on the carton," Guy had told him. "I'm very happy to share a space with you, but you've got to earn your keep. After all, we're not going to be living together forever. Gotta learn to be self-sufficient."

He'd growled, "You say that like I've never done it before."

Guy, unfazed, chuckled back, "And you say that like you still act like you do it."

The only thing stopping him from attempting to throttle his obnoxious roommate was the reminder that doing so would break the truce. He used to be so good at controlling his temper, mostly because hardly anything could arouse it to begin with short of failure. What's happened to him?

Oh, right. Failure is all he's seen lately.

Never mind. He is not going to torture himself with those thoughts. He pulls out a pot from the cabinet over the stove and fills it up with water from the sink. He is about to add three eggs from the carton when Aina comes toddling up to him from behind. He knows it's her because her bare feet have a soft slap to them as they make their way across the floor.

"Good mornin', Orochi," she greets him, all sunshine and flowers, just as she'd been the day before and the day before that. "Makin' breakfast?"

He looks over his shoulder to regard her. "Oh, good morning, Kame. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am."

"Ooh! I see you're cookin' eggs. Can I cook 'em for you? Please? I wanna make up for not gettin' to do it on our date. Plus, I'd like to learn how to make eggs like how you want 'em."

He blinks at her. Even after a week of seeing her, he still finds her kindness, and naïveté, astounding. "Er, sure. Knock yourself out."

"Huh? But if I did that, I wouldn' be able to cook for you."

Right. He can't use figures of speech with her. At least, not without expecting to have to explain them. Apparently no one in this village uses them around her, either. Hard to believe that this woman is actually over 30 years old. "That's another expression. I don't actually want you to knock yourself unconscious."

Because if you did, I'd be the one to take the heat for it.

"I'm giving you permission to do what you want. That's what I mean," he says coolly.

"Oh! Ahaha, that's a peculiar way to say so. Okey-dokey. Thanks, Orochi!" Grinning, Aina takes the carton off the counter and heads for the exit.

"Uh, Kame, where are you going? The stove and pot are right here."

"I know. I'm just goin' outside to check the eggs to see if they're fresh. Jus' like you taught me."

Orochimaru grits his teeth upon realizing what she's about to do. They're his eggs she's going to waste, this time. "W-wait! There's no need to do that. There's another way to check them. A much better way." He beckons her with his finger. "Come back, dear, give those to me and I'll show you."

Aina hesitates for a shake, but can't help but blush when he calls her "dear." She's dear to him. She would obey even if he hadn't dropped that pet name, but calling her so seals the deal. "Huh? Um…hm. Heehee! Okey-dokey." She ambles back to him and hands over the carton.

Orochimaru steps aside to let her watch as he carefully drops his three eggs into the pot. He lets them sink to the bottom before he explains, "All you have to do to check if an uncracked egg is safe to eat is to put it in cold water. A fresh egg will sink to the bottom, while a bad egg will float on top. As you can see, all these eggs have sunken, so they're good."

Aina's eyes widen as she leans in for a closer look and lets this new fact sink in. "Ahhhh. Why do the bad eggs float to the top, Orochi?"

Orochimaru cracks a smirk and tosses his hair. "Gases, my dear. When eggs rot, the proteins inside release gases that make the egg buoyant for as long as the shell is intact. Also, the shell of an old egg is more porous than that of a fresh one, so it would have more air trapped inside it. Finally, as an egg ages it loses water and becomes less dense. Take all of these factors into account, then add water, and voila! You've spotted your bad eggs."

Now he's on a roll. He never could resist showing off his knowledge of this and that. The problem is that he hasn't had many opportunities to do it lately. "Oh yes. You can also tell how fresh an egg is by the manner in which it sinks. A very fresh egg will lie on its side, but slightly older eggs will stand on one end. These eggs are standing up, so they're perfect for hard-boiling. A reclining egg is better suited for frying or scrambling."

"Oh! Would you look at that? They are standin' up. Aha! How wonderful. You're so smart, and so right! I like this way much better, that I do," she gushes, clapping her hands. Then she stops and makes an O-shape with her mouth. "Huh…that's strange."

"What is it?"

"Well now, this way's so much simpler and less wasteful. So, how come you told me to throw the eggs I bought for our date to see if they were good? I coulda just got some water from the sink and checked 'em this way."

Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap. Why didn't he think to do that? Then again, had he had Aina check her eggs this way, he wouldn't have gotten the satisfaction of turning the tables on Anko, or getting some overdue revenge on Rock Lee. But telling her the truth is, needless to say, out of the question.

Just outside the window a crow flies by, chanting, "Ba-kaaaa! Ba-kaaaa!"

Luckily, Orochimaru is good at lying and Aina is very trusting by nature. When you mean everything you say, you tend to assume everyone else does, as well.

"Er, well, I, uh…I was starving when I said that. You see, my mind is slightly less sharp when I'm very hungry. I was so distracted by my desire for eggs that I must have gotten confused when I gave you that suggestion. There's something quite gratifying about the act of breaking eggs, especially when you're craving them like I do. I'm…sssssssorry."

Phew! Hopefully that will be the last time I ever have to say those two words together.

The stars twinkle in her sweet honey-brown eyes like he's the most magical person she's ever met. After watching her hand hover over it, he lets her take his hand, as she's becoming increasingly fond of doing. "Oh, Orochi! Please don't be sorry. I understand completely. It's like Anko said earlier: ain't nobody thinks or feels good when their stomach's rumblin' with hunger. This was a learning experience for both of us, jus' like you said. Now we know better for next time."

"Hah, yes, that's right. Well, now that we've gotten that lesson out of the way, let's hard-boil these eggs, shall we?"

"Yep-yep-yep! And after you eat, if you could please summon Manda for me so I can draw him, I'd appreciate it very much! I'm gonna draw 'im alone, 'cause you know snakes enjoy their space."

"Oh yes, I haven't forgotten." Actually, he did. But of course he's not going to admit that. "You're preaching to the choir."

Aina gasps. "You sing in a choir, too? Golly, you sure are a busybody, Orochi!"

Ugh. "Wh-what? No, that was another expression. I mean, you're telling me things I knew already."

"Oh. Okey-dokey. Let's get a-cookin'!" She turns on the heat under the pot. "Ooh! I wonder if we got any mayonnaise an' onions an' paprika 'round here in this kitchen. Maybe we can make some egg salad? It'll be fresh-n-hot, jus' like how you like it!"

"I appreciate the thought, but I think for today I'd rather eat my eggs plain. Another time, perhaps?"

"That's awright. They're your eggs, aha."

This relationship business is going to take some getting used to, even if Aina is beginning to seem a little more tolerable than he'd thought she would be at first. Still very awkward, yes. Could stand to change a few things. But not totally intolerable. All in good time. He knows well enough to hold off on proposing marriage until at least after his probation is up.

What has he got to worry about? He can last six months! He'll show Tsunade! He'll show Anko, and Kabuto, too! He'll show them all!

Then it happens. He gets so caught up in fantasizing about his evil ambitions coming to fruition, in the visions of this very building burning and crumbling to the ground, that he does the thing that everyone hates, the thing that used to send chills of fear and disgust down everyone's back oh so long ago.

He sticks out his massive serpentine tongue and licks his lips, from right to left.

He realizes this when Aina snaps him out of his daydream with her clapping. "Oh my goodness! What a big tongue you have!"

He blinks and just barely stops himself from biting his tongue in surprise, his pointed canines teasingly pressing into the side of it. "Be'ck your par'on?" Realizing that it's still hanging limp out of the corner of his mouth, he quickly retracts it with a slurp.

"Your tongue. It's so big-n-long-n-wiggly. Ahahaha, it's almost like a snake unto itself!"

That description is not too far off, actually. But what truly takes him by surprise is her reaction to seeing this one of his many quirks. She's not scared or put off by it. If anything, she seems to have found it…cute. Like how others might find a bunny brushing its face cute.

No one has ever seen him whip out his tongue and react that way, before. He's not sure what to make of it. Then again, she hadn't been put off with the snakes he'd launched at her in the shower…

"Poor Orochimaru, you must be so hungry to be licking your lips. Don't you worry, the water's startin' to simmer. Heeheehee! Y'know, Anko sometimes does that, too. Reckon she picked that up from you?"

"D-does she, now?" Damn it, why is he stammering, all of a sudden?

Perhaps because he's unsure whether to be amused, flattered, irritated or depressed by this development. That's how low he's sunken, apparently. Even his tongue doesn't do it, anymore.

Wait a minute. I'm trying to woo her, not scare her away, he reminds himself. And this doesn't prove anything about my reputation. She doesn't know who I am at all. Maybe she really does just find it endearing in its own right? For some reason. What a strange woman…I wonder how she'd take it if she did learn my true identity? Not that there's any rush to let her know.

"Yep. Her tongue's long, too. But not nearly as long as yours. And sometimes she uses it to lick sharp or pointy objects. I worry she'll cut herself doin' that, but it ain't happened yet. My tongue is very short. See?" To demonstrate, Aina squints and pokes out her own fat, little tongue. She can barely reach it over her top lip. After a few seconds of trying, she pulls it back into her mouth and giggles.

Once he squashes down his insecurities, Orochimaru concludes that for whatever reason she finds his tongue attractive, and it would be remiss of him not to take advantage of this. He could see it in the way her eyes dilated when he'd whipped it out. They still are. She's still smiling at him.

He leans against the counter, props himself on his elbows, and narrows his eyes. Pulling out all the stops to look as enticing as possible. "Well, well. It would seem you like it when I pull out my tongue," he says with a wicked smirk, tilting his chin up so he can get his hair falling off his shoulders just right.

Aina, blind to his intentions, nods. "I think it's pretty neat, yep. Just like everything else about you, aha!"

His chuckle matches his smirk. "My dear, that's only a glimpse of what I'm capable of. Watch this." Noticing her look to the direction of the table where the condiments sit, he stretches out his tongue even longer than before. Taking care not to touch her, he circles it once around her chubby waist, prompting her to shoot her clenched fists up in the air with a squeal. He keeps stretching it all the way to the table, where he wraps the tip of it around the salt shaker before pulling it back the way he'd steered it.

Aina is absolutely enthralled, her eyes straining to keep up with his tongue as it slithers back to his lips. He drops the salt shaker in his open palm, holding it up for her to see like it's a trophy, but not too high up in the air because he's got to maintain some air of humility at the same time.

Now free, she bounces in place and claps even harder, laughing as heartily as she ever has. "H-holy frogs! My goodness, that was amazing! Marvelous! If I had a tongue like that, ain't nothin' would be outta my reach!"

"Mm-hmhm. You'd be right to think so, Kame. Nothing is out of my reach." He scoots over oh so casually to reiterate his point with a whisper, "Nothing."

He's not sure if she understands what he means by that. Honestly, he's not entirely sure what he's referring to, either. His words can be interpreted a number of ways. But he's always had a knack for improv and either way, she's eagerly lapping it up.

The blush returns to her face full force, turning it the color of the darkest, healthiest beet. "Heeheehee, oh you!"

"Aw, yuck! What the hell are you two doing?"

The pair break apart to see Anko in the doorway. She's still wearing the Hokage's hat—which looks too large and plain ridiculous on her head, by the way, and no, he's not just making sour grapes of it—but this time she's slouched on a makeshift throne on a stretcher carried by a disgruntled Kabuto in the front and Kimimaro in the back.

Orochimaru can see his right-hand man turning red from the neck up with quiet fury. What with having to spend every day with the woman, he can't necessarily blame him. Kimimaro merely tilts his head and peers out from behind the chair, curious. The latter has never seen his master flirt with anyone before. It's an unusual way to go about it, but as long as they're both enjoying it, he finds no problem here otherwise.

"I believe we are courting," Aina replies gleefully, oblivious to their revulsion. "What're you doing, Anko? How come you got Kabuto-n-Kimimaro carryin' you 'round on a chair?"

"What, this? Uh, this is part of their initiation. I'm testing their upper-body strength. Gotta be strong to be a ninja, you know." She swings her legs over the right arm of the chair and lightly kicks them around. "I thought you had a birdhouse to put up? And what about the gutter?"

"Oh! Already did 'em. I'm gonna look over all the bathrooms, soon. Orochi, the water's boilin'. Your eggs should be ready soon."

"Hm. So they are. Now we cover them, remove them from the heat and let them sit aside for ten minutes. After that, we drain, rinse them with cold water, and peel the shells."

"I got it!" The two briefly resume ignoring the other three as Aina does what Orochimaru tells her to.

"So, er, when did you want me to summon Manda for his modeling appointment?"

"Would ten o'clock work for you? In front of the schoolyard?"

"Sure. But won't that be cutting rather close to your eleven o'clock opponent with Naruto and Guy? Manda is a large snake, after all, and I know you like to take your time with these things."

"Nah, don't you worry. I've got it all planned out."

Aina is like one of the many plants she grows. When you look at her, it seems she's doing nothing. But somehow when your back is turned, she flourishes and produces many good things in due time.

"Would you like me to peel the eggs for you, Orochi?"

"Oh, no, thank you. You should probably see to the bathrooms. I'll show you how to peel eggs later, though. I'll take it from here."

"Okay. Orochi? Before I go, I'd like to nuzzle you. Can I?"

Now she wants to bump noses? Where did this come from?

She looks so hopeful for an affirmative answer that he almost feels sorry for her. Almost. But then, he supposes bumping noses is less intimate than a hug or a kiss, it would count towards their flirting, and it would look bad for him to say no in front of Anko. So he concedes. "Go right ahead, Kame, darling."

"Yippee!" Before long, she's rubbing the tip of her big crooked nose against his narrow sloping one, humming all through it. Quite gently for someone who speaks so robustly. Soft brown on hard white. He wills himself to return the gesture at least slightly. Anko is watching with her sharp smoky eyes, after all.

Kabuto closes his own so he doesn't have to watch. Kimimaro blinks.

Then it's over. "See you later, Orochi! Have a nice day."

"Uh…yes, you too."

She turns to Anko, then. "I reckon I understand the need to test them, but please don' have 'em carry you 'round all day. Make sure they get to rest in between tests."

The Fifth-and-one-half Hokage stretches her arms over her head and then inserts a pinkie into her ear. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Lady Tsunade put me in charge for a reason. Awright, you two. Move over so Kame can get out."

Now Orochimaru is alone and at the mercy of his former student. Aina won't be coming back to shield him for a while. What heinous things has the vengeance in her heart brewed for him? "You look ridiculous in that hat, Anko. It doesn't suit you at all. I can't fathom why Tsunade would make you her replacement, of all people. Even I'm more qualified."

After looking over her shoulder to check that Aina is gone, she blows a raspberry. "That's Lady Anko to you, old man. And I know you're just saying that 'cause you're jealous that you wanted the job and got tossed aside like trash for someone better. Now hurry up with those eggs. I'm sending you over to Ibiki for your first assignment."

The mention of that name sends a mild jolt through him, the emotion behind it ineffable. It figures she would put him in T and I, with a man who happens to especially hate him. Then again, who doesn't hate him, these days?

It also does not escape his notice that Anko has just paraphrased something he'd once said to her in the Forest of Death all those years ago, during the Chūnin Exams, when he'd given Sasuke his cursed seal. Whether she'd meant to do that or not, he can't discern. Does it matter, anyway?

Anko pulls out one of the sticks that used to carry dango on it and starts to scrape under her nails with it. They're starting to look rather dirty. Normally she wouldn't care so much, but for the rest of the week she is the Fifth-and-one-half Hokage. "Hey, while I'm thinking about it, I've got another idea to make this even more official." She licks her lips in anticipation. "Where's Yamato? Hey, Yamato! Come on out. I need you to make a slight modification to Hokage Rock."

Kabuto twists his neck to slide a glare up to her. "Letting the power go to your head already, Mitarashi?"

Kimimaro says nothing but maintains his center and keeps observing. For someone who supposedly hates Lord Orochimaru, Anko shares more than a few quirks with him, doesn't she?


End file.
